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Sun, Dec. 25th, 2005, 01:03 pm

 

For the week of December 26, 2005

 

Rudolph the teal nosed Reindeer

Had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it

You would even say

“That’s not red, it’s not even rose!”

 

 

The Lily red thing is driving me nuts. So nuts that I have been driven to do a poor parody of a Christmas classic. Lily is bothered by red, except when she isn’t.  She needs to wear sunglasses to avoid getting upset. (And don’t ask me about her peripheral vision, OK? Please don’t since I am trying not to rant too much this holiday season.) And yet she could see, sans sunglasses, the red PINE CONE sign while facing Erin and Aidan without being fazed at all.  And wouldn’t Erin’s burgundy velvet top fall into the red color range? Not to mention Erin’s red hair?

 

Red clothing upsets her yet Erica has been wearing red almost every day. Even a narcissist like Erica would show some consideration for her stepdaughter’s needs. How come Jack has never said to his wife, “Ixnay ethay edray othesclay alreadyway.” And how come Lily insists on going out on holidays where red runs rampant? Or hasn’t the Life Skills class gotten around to avoiding stressful situations?

 

This is what I need: I need Lily to make a list from the Pantone Color Guide of which reds upset her and which do not. That would certainly stop me from seeing red each time Lily doesn’t, how about you?

 

My stress while watching Tad “Mop Top” Martin dropped a bit this week when he said to Ryan, “If he’s innocent then so are you. Your road to redemption runs right up your brother’s back.”  That was incredibly insightful on Tad’s part.  I agree that Ryan sees his redemption as tied to Jonathan’s. Which is why, more than ever, I want Jonathan to be faking his recovery.

 

I am not certain that Ryan can be redeemed no matter what happens with Jonathan. After all, we are to believe that Jonathan sans tumor will never do anything bad again. We are not aware of Jonathan doing anything bad, like murder or girlfriend beating, since his return to PV.  On the other hand Ryan is still pretty much the belligerent ass he has been since he returned from his walkabout in the desert.  Aidan very politely asked Ryan to let go of his arm. Several times. Ryan continued grabbing Aidan and pushing him back until the Christmas tree fell over. Just like Patrick Lavery, né Curry, would have done. 

 

(Much like wanting to know the answer about Lily and red, I also want to know why, at some point, all the Curry clan adopted Mrs. Curry’s maiden name, Lavery.)

 

Ryan’s fans might now mention how nice Ryan was to Kendall at the Wildwind-not-Wildwind chapel.  I believe it was only because Ryan was distracted by the bright shiny object that was his St. Christopher medal.

 

A true Christmas miracle did happen in the Wildwind-not-Wildwind chapel. Not that Kendall decided to continue the pregnancy, but that she actually said a few nice things about the Harts. I confess to a few quicktears when Kendall revealed how much Alice loved her, no matter how unlovable Kendall behaved. Does that mean Kendall will tell Alice about her pregnancy? Probably not, but it was a nice moment nonetheless.

 

There have been many nice moments since Bianca returned. I am not just talking about the ones that played in my head when Binky offered her sister a massage either. Josh acted positively awake while talking with Bianca. Zach was glowing in the presence of Binky and Miranda. And the Kane sisters manipulating Erica out of the condo was more AMC fun than I have had in ages.

 

I do not think Bianca is a saint by any means. I find her behavior quite often frustrating. However, this week I did realize why everyone on the Valley loves her. It is because Bianca, as an adult, has the rare gift of making other people feel better about themselves. No wonder they flock to her whenever she is in town. I just wish Binks would stop making Babe feel better about herself.

 

There is another reason to hang out with Bianca and that is Miranda. Who could resist her saying, “missing, missing, missing” when she showed up at  New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?)?  It is fun to see the other actors trying to keep focused while Miranda is talking, talking, talking and being adorable. It was sweet seeing how JR looked at the little girl he once loved as his own. However I did want to bitch slap Babe into next week each time she called Miranda “sweet pea.” And I am disappointed that Bianca didn’t.

 

Erica of course idolizes her granddau--, oops, I mean her daughter Bianca’s daughter.  “She is just a vision. Isn’t it amazing how she is starting to look like me?” No surprise that Erica’s narcissism extends to Miranda.  Cannot wait to see if Erica thinks Lil’Hockett looks like her, too.

 

Erica liked the looks of her new house. Jack truly has brass doesn’t he? Buying a house for a woman like Erica could be a dangerous thing. Fortunately it looks a lot like the last house Erica lived in. The house on the hill Erica had been craving since childhood. The house Trey burned down.  Shall we start a pool on how long it will be before a portrait of Erica appears over the fireplace? And I won’t be surprised if she is wearing a red dress; will you?

 

 

Now for the non-sequitur portion of the program.

 

A search for a missing child should be heart wrenching, yet it made me chuckle a bit. Chuckle because the adults were behaving like it was totally possible for Lil’A to get out of his crib, get down the stairs and out the front door of the Casa Chandler. This from a child we have yet to see really walk.

 

It is difficult not to notice the developmental differences between Miranda and Lil’A. While they share the same birthday, I bet their APGAR scores were light years apart.

 

One thing did touch my heart about Lil’A’s disappearance. That was Adam’s voice when he said, “He’s a little boy.”  I heard it crack with pain, but Krystal obviously did not. Why else would she say that she wants to get Lil’A away from the Chandlers because she “doesn’t want him growing up to think mean and hurtful is the only way to be.”?  Yep it would be much better if Lil’A grew up to be the like the Careys. Then he could perfect the skills of making ironed French toast, skidaddling out of town ahead of the bill collectors, and trading sex for passing grades.  Who wouldn’t want that for their grandchild?

 

Tad to Ryan, “You could pass on the best part of you.”  Ryan has a best part?

 

I do not really miss her, but where the heck is Anita?

 

When Tad asked Father Clarence, “How did you know Dixie?  I hoped in vain that Father Clarence would reply, “Dixie and her sister Di tag teamed me with pole dances.”

 

I am probably also hoping vain that Di will not take the heat when everyone finds out Dixie is alive. Why? Because if I had to chose between the oh-so-human Di and the oh-so-annoying Dixie, there would be no contest. Di would win every time.

 

“Did he bully you?”  I was rather appalled that Erica was referring to Zach and not Ryan.

 

I am also appalled that Palmer has teamed up with Krystal. However much he hates Adam, shouldn’t he hate DNA switching Krystal more?

 

“JR Chandler is a very bad man.” Well now that Jonathan, murderer and woman beater, has said that, it must be true.

 

“You care about Little Adam, you belong here.”  When JR graciously said that to Palmer, Opal and David, it was just further proof that Jonathan is right. JR Chandler is a very bad man.

 

I do really miss her, where the heck is Simone?

 

I was impressed with Krystal and Babe’s time management skills this week. What with running the ho-down, manipulating JR and the CE Board, searching for Lil’A as well as saving Fusion, they still found time to get new holiday frocks at Trollops R’ Us.

 

“Kendall is nothing like Maria.” Yes, Bianca, that is true. Yet I cannot help wishing that Kendall would consult Maria’s former psychic Frederick for some insight into her love life:

 

Kendall: “Frederick, I really need help deciding which man in my life is my soul mate.”

 

Frederick: “Well, Kendall, I see that your mother has very strong feelings about your soulmate.”

 

Kendall: “I am sorry that is no help. It could mean either man or that I am destined for an incestuous lesbian relationship.”

 

Frederick: “I am asking my guides to be more specific. Your soulmate has doubts about his ability to be a good father.”

 

Kendall: “ I am really losing patience here. If you do not clarify this for me I will see that you never appear on my mother’s show New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?).

 

Frederick: “Wait, wait, something is coming through. Your soulmate has never worn, nor will he ever wear, a clown nose.”

 

Kendall: “Oh, thank you Frederick, you really are gifted.”

 

The scene ends as Kendall joyfully runs across the condo courtyard and throws herself into Zach’s  waiting arms.

 

Will this week’s spoilers have us feeling joyful or not? Let’s see:

 

Beginning with the Maddening crowd:

 

Amanda is confused when she hears Josh saying nasty and somewhat untrue things about Erica to a group of reporters.

 

Where is Donald Steele when you need him?

 

Amanda is even more confused when Josh asserts that she erased one of Erica’s important tapes. Confused because Amanda does not remember doing it. She doesn’t remember because Josh erased it, not Amanda.

 

This homage to Gaslight could be interesting if I cared about Amanda and/or Josh. I don’t so it isn’t.

 

When Josh gets home he is very surprised by what he finds there.

 

A bunch of cobras greeting him with, “Yo, bro!” More likely it’s Janet with crowbar in hand.

 

Something Erica says makes Greg very uneasy. His reaction confirms Erica’s suspicion that Greg knows something about her life that she does not.

 

That the ratings for New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?) are not as high as she believes?  Or something more sinister and hopefully more interesting than the storyline has been so far?

 

It’s Christmas in Pine Valley:

 

Jack welcomes Kendall with open arms when she shows up for Christmas breakfast.

 

Jack is so easy. A little sex with Erica and he has seen the light about Kendall.

 

Kendall tells her mother and sister that she has decided to have the baby.

 

The sisters smile behind Erica’s back as she says, “Oh and he will look just like me. I know it!”

 

Kendall tells Erica that, although she is having the baby, getting together with Ryan is not part of her plans. Erica is more than a little upset.

 

Again I say, if Erica thinks Ryan is such a great catch she should marry him herself.

 

Erica is just not having a good Christmas. Lily happily announces that Jonathan bought everyone’s presents. Erica drops the fig-urine that Lily gave her.

 

If Jonathan as Lily’s personal shopper upsets Erica this much, why doesn’t the notion of Jonathan as Kendall’s brother-in-law upset her even more?

 

Erica’s mood does not get better when she realizes that Binky has been helping Kendall and Zach reconcile.

 

“OK, Bianca, it was one thing when you set fire to your dollhouse. It was one thing when you decided you just had to be a lesbian. It was one thing when you kept your pregnancy from me. It was one thing when you decided to move to Paris. But thinking that Zach is better for Kendall than Ryan is something I just will not tolerate.”

 

Kendal and Zach continue their pas de deux:

 

Erica convinces Binks that Ryan is far better than Zach for Kendall. Binks tells Zach that she has changed her mind about helping to unite him with Kendall.

 

Damn. I wish someone had gotten Binky a backbone for Christmas.

 

Zach realizes that Erica has convinced Binks to change her mind about him.

 

Zach always has Erica’s number. No wonder she cannot stand him.

 

Zach tells Bianca that he will do his best to never intentionally hurt Kendall. Zach lets Bianca in on his plan to surprise Kendall.

 

The next time he shoots at Ryan he is not going to miss? That surprise would certainly make me happy.

 

Zach lures Kendall to the casino, which he has closed for the evening. Kendall cannot believe that Zach has arranged such a romantic surprise just for her.

 

Why is Kendall surprised?  After arranging the most romantic divorce in history, a romantic evening should be a snap.

 

Finally Zach and Kendall see beyond their neuroses and admit they love each other.

 

The sound you hear in the background is Myrtle and thousands of viewers shouting, “It’s about damn time.”

 

Zach tries to buy Babe’s Fusion shares from her. She refuses.

 

This time the sound you hear is hell freezing over because a Carey woman turned down cold hard cash.

 

Not only does Babe still have her shares, now Kendall finds out that Simone has shares, too. Kendall is none too pleased about any of this.

 

Babe having shares would upset anyone, including me. It seems to me that Simone has earned her shares. No, not by bedding Ethan but by keeping Fusion going whenever Greens and Kendall would decide they had more important things to do than go to the office.

 

It’s New Year’s Eve in PV and I am missing the Crystal Ball.

 

JR goes looking for Babe at Fusion and finds her with Janet.

 

Yawn. Just another plot device to make Babe a victim.

 

JR tells Janet to stay away from Babe.

 

Just when I was really starting to like JR he pulls a boneheaded move like this.

 

JR kisses Babe and asks her to be his date for New Year’s Eve.

 

Just when I was really starting to like JR he pulls a boneheaded move like this.

 

Everyone is headed to the celebration at the Valley Inn, including JR, Babe, Amanda and Jamie.

 

I think I’ll spend New Year’s Eve at home this year.

 

Aidan and Erin are each other’s date. They kiss.

 

Sure, Erin doesn’t mind when Aidan kisses her, but can she do math problems with him?

 

Janet, in costume, also attends the New Year’s Eve celebration at the Valley Inn.

 

I love Janet’s costumes. I love Janet’s crowbar. I just plain love Janet.

 

Janet drugs Krystal and Babe.

 

Have I mentioned how much I really really really really love Janet?

 

New Year’s brings Adam and Krystal closer together.

 

And here I was, hoping that 2006 would be a better year.

 

Del’s New Year’s Eve date displeases Tad.

 

Krystal? David?  Julia? Aidan?  Or is Dixie on her brother’s arm?

 

The sisters meet again:

 

Di and Dixie fill each other in on their respective lives.

 

Dixie: “Well I have been busy pretending to be dead.”

 

Di: “Well, I have been busy being, umm, being, umm, acquainting, that’s it, acquainting myself with Pine Valley.”

 

Turns out that Dixie does not know that Di pretended to be Dixie. She also doesn’t know how close Di and Tad have become.

 

If Dixie is true to her character she will be very upset at Di’s duplicity. At the same time she will expect everyone to understand why she played dead.

 

Di wants Dixie to return to PV but Dixie refuses.

 

“I am not going back to Pine Valley until this awful hair cut grows out.”

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

Kendall and Ryan bond when they see the sonogram of their son.

 

And during this scene I will be bonding with a bottle of Tequila.

 

“The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”  Jack and David discover they both want the Laverys gone. David suggests they work together to accomplish this goal.

 

 I do not even care whether they work together in Jell-O or not, just as long as they accomplish their goal.

 

Jonathan teaches Lily how to skate.

 

Jonathan cannot open the door to the mens’ room  but he can skate? All I can say is, “Lily, stay away from the yellow snow!”

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

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Mon, Dec. 19th, 2005, 11:10 am

For the week of Dec 19, 2005

I was planning on apologizing because this week’s column is late. Then I remembered I had a really lousy childhood which means I do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

I took the energy I would have spent apologizing and spent it instead trying to figure out why watching AMC leaves me dazed and confused.

 

It’s because over at AMC the lunatics are running the asylum. Babe is Fusion’s savior, Jonathan is a good person, Zach is Satan’s right hand man, Ryan is the best thing that ever happened to Kendall and JR is evil. Krystal is a real person with a heart of gold while Adam is a “sorry excuse for a human being.” Have I left anything out?

 

Babe: “Mama, wanna see the product I came up with? See, it’s lip gloss on one end and a herpes treatment on the other.”

 

Krystal: “That’s my baby doll!”

 

A tour of PV history shows that many characters were not qualified for the jobs they held. Hayley ran Enchantment. Hayley and Charlie were private detectives. Stuart, who had no business experience, started an art gallery. Dixie was a patient ombudsman at PVH. Jake was Chief of Staff. Myrtle went from carny gal to Boutique owner. The list is fairly endless.

 

Why then is it driving me nuts that Babe is now one of the Fusion owners?  Let’s travel on the mobius strip highway that runs through PV: Greenlee wanted to really hurt Kendall. She wanted to make Kendall’s day-to-day life unbearable. What better way than to force her to work with Babe. Babe who kept Miranda from Bianca. And let JR believe his son was dead. In other words, the only reason Babe has Fusion stock is because she kept Miranda and Lil’A away from their parents. Babe has been rewarded for doing heinous things. Babe got stock and David got endless community service. And we are expected to think that is a good thing.

 

Not only has Babe been rewarded but we are expected to believe she is the best thing to ever happen to Fusion.  Simone, who has been running the company for years cannot deal with a simple crisis but Babe has the answer! And she has to learn about financing because she has to “save” Fusion!

 

Of course it is no surprise that Babe does not understand the simple arithmetic of company finances.  After all, she’s the girl who traded sex for a passing grade in math.  Sex is just so much more fun, and easier, than book learning.

 

Maybe, just maybe, I could get past that if Babe hadn’t reacted so badly when she discovered Amanda was working at New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?). And I don’t even like Amanda. Babe was pissed at Josh for hiring Amanda because Amanda had done bad things to Babe. And yet the Fusion women need to accept Babe as one of their own.  My head hurts.

 

However I cannot wait for Babe to start having an influence on the Fusion product line. I understand her first contribution will be in Fusion’s summer collection. It will be a matching eyeliner and nail polish combo called Blue Balls Bleu.

 

And if I thought Babe getting stock was hard to accept, imagine how I felt when Jonathan got a free Christmas tree. Is that to give him something to urinate on besides his own leg?

 

Note to my dearest Spotted Dick: the operative you had trailing Jonathan needs to be fired immediately. He was on Jonathan like a trucker on Krystal yet did not notice that Jonathan took over for the ailing Santa?

 

The Santa switcheroo was absurd. This kind of mistaken identity could be prevented in the future if all Laverys were required to wear clown noses all the time.

 

Speaking of Santa, whoever thought up the wretching cuteness of Jonathan and Lily deserves nothing from Santa but a stocking full of coal. Someone should call social services and turn Jack in for child abuse. Why? Because Lily is running all over town with a multiple murderer and Jack is, well, who knows where the heck Jack is these days.

 

I was about to apologize for being so negative during the holiday season. Then I remembered I had a really lousy childhood which means I do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

It’s a good thing that Zach always wears shoes, it spares us from seeing his cloven hooves. At least according to Ryan.  Did what Ryan was spewing about Zach to Kendall make any sense to anyone at all?  Zach lets Kendall make her own decisions. And stands by her whether those decisions are mistakes or not.  He recognizes her loyalty. He knows there is no way in hell Kendall would hang herself in hammock several stories up. When Zach refers to Kendall as “my wife” there is no tone of ownership but just great pride.  And most importantly, he makes Kendall laugh. When you find a man who makes you laugh everyday you are very lucky indeed. Yep, Ryan, Zach is the worst thing to ever happen to Kendall. How fortunate she is to have you point that out to her. How fortunate she is to have you reminding her that she is incapable of figuring out things for herself. And really what is a beautifully jeweled dragonfly pin compared to the Lavery clown nose?

 

The Chandlers do not have clown noses. They know better. The Chandlers have brains. And JR showed how well his works when he led Babe to believe that the engagement ring was for her. Yes, I know he was being evil and mean to dear little Babe. And I just loved it.

 

I did not love the trucker ho-down at the Chandlers. May I vent about Krystal for a moment? Krystal acts as if Adam just stumbled across his fortune while walking down the street and that now he should hand half over to her. Adam earned every penny through hard work. Of course the word “work” is an alien concept to Krystal.  Krystal never shows any respect for Adam yet expects the world to respect her.

 

The party was supposed to be funny, juxtaposing Krystal’s “real” people to Adam’s uptight actions. All the party did for me was to juxtapose the many reasons I do not like Krystal against the many reasons I do like Adam.

 

I was about to apologize for my Krystal rant not being very funny. Then I remembered I had a really lousy childhood and do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

Now for the non-sequitur portion of the program:

 

Jamie wearing glasses to look smarter reminds me of girls at my high school who stuffed tissue in their bras to look well endowed.  Both work at a distance but as they get closer you realize both are false advertising.

 

Why didn’t the heart surgeon recognize David, world-renowned surgeon and tabloid cover boy?

 

“I don’t want Jonathan around complicated people.” Well then, Ryan, maybe you should put Jonathan up for adoption. No wait, that’s right, the Laverys are not complicated, they are tiresome.

 

I loved it when Kendall told Zach to “do the big macho thing.”  I am pretty sure Zach has a big macho thing, how about you?

 

If Erica is so desperate to have Ryan as part of her family that she is asking God to intervene, why doesn’t she divorce Jack and marry Ryan, herself?

 

Why did Lily go to the mall if she hates malls? She could have just logged onto Llan-Net and done her shopping.

 

I bet the Kane-Montgomerys will be thrilled to discover that Jonathan picked out their Christmas presents!

 

Is the mall in Llanview? Lily and Jonathan were hanging out at Hallowed Grounds, a coffee shop Llanview residents frequent frequently.

 

 When Janet was talking about Amanda getting married with “her own dress, her own name and her own face” it brought back fond memories of the first time Janet married Trevor. My favorite was Janet trying to fit her too large foot into Natalie’s tiny wedding shoes. As unhappy as I am with TPTB, the decision to bring Janet and Kate Collins back makes me happy indeed.

 

What did the Carey women do to anger the wardrobe department this week?  Krystal has worn tackier outfits but none as unflattering as that green job that kicked off the trucker ho-down. The same goes for that cheap looking black number Babe was wearing. Babe has looked tackier but seldom worse.

 

I was going to apologize for not doing a complete All My Schmattes. Then I remembered that I had a really lousy childhood and I do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

Do you think we will ever see Ryan in a scene where he is not rude, self-righteous, lip-licking and finger pointing? Yeah, me neither.

 

It breaks my heart to admit that I never want to see Adam in his red silk pajamas again. Not after hearing Krystal has been wearing them.

 

Didn’t Lily’s description of her ideal boyfriend sound just like Aidan?

 

What was up with Winifred? Was it a special episode of Pimp My Maid? She should be smarter than to put her lot in with Krystal’s. She has seen too many Mrs. Chandlers come and go to really believe Krystal will last. (At least that’s what I keep telling myself.)

 

Jamie at the boathouse wearing glasses, a corduroy jacket and a scarf reminded me of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue. I wonder why?

 

Speaking of men and clothes, was Josh imagining himself in that poster because he wants to replace Erica on New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?) or does he simply want to wear her wardrobe?

 

This week’s award for Best Metaphor goes to Jamie stuffing the breakfast burrito into JR’s mouth. Oh, you naughty boys.

 

“You’re a doctor kind of but not really.” Was Jamie talking about Josh or himself?

 

Speaking of doctors, I no longer have any use for Joe. First, he let Bianca go on thinking that Miranda was dead. And then he acted like it was David’s fault that he almost had his chest cut open.

 

Let’s get some hot chocolate and check out this week’s spoilers. You know how the Laverys prefer their hot chocolate don’t you? With lots of minature clown noses floating on top, of course!

 

I was going to apologize for three clown nose jokes in one column. Then I remembered I had a lousy childhood and do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

Will this week’s spoilers have us wanting an apology from the writers or not? Let’s see:

 

This holiday tour starts at Casa Chandler:

 

Krystal’s soiree continues with the CE Board of Directors as attendees.

 

Doesn’t Krystal realize that if the Board’s confidence in Adam falters, so could CE stock prices? To cut her some slack, her previous business experience was in an all cash industry.

 

Babe insists that she wants joint custody of Lil’A and she wants to marry JR, too.

 

There are a lot of things I want for Babe, too. However they do not include joint custody and marriage.

 

JR has conflicting feelings towards Babe. Meanwhile Adam kisses Krystal.

 

In my best Adam Chandler voice I am screaming, “Have they taken leave of their senses?”

 

Adam is jealous when he witnesses the closeness between Krystal and Tad.

 

After all, Adam saw Tad first.

 

A mysterious Santa sneaks in and steals Lil’A.

 

An entire brigade could walk in and steal the baby unnoticed. Who could hear anything over the ho-down?

 

The Chandlers immediately suspect that Jonathan is the kidnapper.

 

Those evil Chandlers picking on a poor little lamb like Jonathan.

 

JR and Babe confront Jonathan. Ryan defends his brother saying that Jonathan could not possibly be the kidnapper, but Erin is not so sure.

 

Already Erin is feeling the aftereffects of exposure to spotted dick.

 

JR and Babe begin to think that Amanda is the kidnapper.

 

Well the kidnapper would have to know the tunnels under the mansion. What discounts this theory is that Amanda is not wearing her kidnapping panties. She is wearing her being duped by my boss panties instead.

 

Now to the Family Lavery:

 

Jonathan arrives home with Lily. Aidan is very unhappy that Lily has been spending time with Jonathan.

 

I am, too, Aidan because I don’t like having to FF’d Lily’s scenes. Perhaps to discourage Lily, Aidan should make her watch Primal Fear over and over again. Even the red parts.

 

Jonathan wants them all to pray that Lil’A comes home safely.

 

What’s next? Does Jonathan start rescuing kittens from trees?

 

Aidan, Jonathan, Lily and Erin put together Jonathan’s train set.

 

Suddenly a very tiny room at the Pine Cone has room for a free Christmas tree, a train set and four people? It’s a holiday miracle!

 

Jonathan finds Lil’A at the chapel.

 

Where undoubtedly he will be bathed in a glowing beatific light, befitting his status as Patron Saint in Training.

 

Jonathan is arrested for kidnapping.

 

Which means unfortunately that he is not guilty. Even more unfortunately this means even more paranoid and self-righteous ranting from Erin and Ryan.

 

It’s Christmas Miracle time in the Valley:

 

Kendall is stunned and happy to see Bianca and Miranda.

 

Kudos to the casting people for finding a little girl to play Miranda as a true diva-in-training.

 

Kendall tells Bianca how she feels about Zach. And that she is uncertain about having the baby.

 

I have missed these scenes with Kendall and Bianca. They are among the most intimate either character has ever had.

 

Bianca and Zach have a spat during which Binky tells him that Kendall loves him. Binky then tells Zach he needs to fight for Kendall.

 

Because Kendall is a Kane woman, dammit, and worth fighting for.

 

Kendall heads to the chapel in the woods where she meets Father Clarence.

 

This sort of treacly thing makes me realize I enjoyed Malachy McCourt much more as an Irish terrorist on OLTL. That plot also involved Patrick Thornhart, played by Thorsten Kaye. And if I may ramble a bit more, I once met Mr. McCourt in a drugstore in NYC. He was with Richard Harris, who recommended throat lozenges for my laryngitis. Both men were wearing capes, which made the experience somewhat surreal.

 

Ryan shows up at the chapel. He tells Kendall that he will always be there for her and the baby.

 

Kendall should believe him, right? It’s not like Ryan has ever broken a vow or a promise before, right?

 

Kendall decides to have the baby.

 

Just as long as she does not decide to also have Ryan.

 

Bianca runs into Babe.

 

Now, my kind of Christmas miracle would involve Binky running over, not into, Babe.

 

Despite their “differences”, Bianca and Babe have a close moment.

 

I don’t even know what to say. It’s difficult for me to think while vomiting.

 

Let’s check out the Maddening crowd:

 

Greg tells Erica he is still in love with her.

 

There is name for this and it is “psycho stalker.”

 

Erica does not quite believe Greg.

 

Why not? After all, she is Erica Kane and he is a man.

 

Josh eavesdrops on his father’s conversation with Erica.

 

You know what amazes me about Josh? That he can be creepy and boring at the same time.

 

Other stuff happens, too.

 

Tad also encounters Father Clarence at the chapel.

 

Are there no churches in Pine Valley proper? Is that why everyone heads to the Little-Chapel-in-the-Pines?

 

Tad has a chat with Dixie’s spirit.

 

Technically, can you have a chat with a person’s spirit if that person is still alive?

 

While Tad is chatting up Dixie’s spirit, Di is heading to Europe to visit a very much alive Dixie.

 

Is anyone surprised that Dixie is alive? Thought not. Will anyone be surprised when Dixie just loves Babe? Thought not. Will anyone be surprised when more people are mad at Di for this deceit than at Dixie herself? Thought not. Will anyone be surprised if Dixie is interesting? I will be.

 

Jack surprises Erica with a new house.

 

You know what would surprise me about Jack? If he paid any attention to what Lily was up to.

 

Oh those AMC actors:

 

Yes, Cady McClain is returning as Dixie.

 

I know this a great holiday present for many viewers, so I am happy for them.

 

I hope every one of you has exactly the kind of holiday you want.  With family or with friends or alone, whatever your heart desires.

 

Here in my home we will be following our long cherished holiday tradition of Indian take-away and violent movies. Hey, it works for us. And I hope your holidays work for you!

 

Kate
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Sun, Dec. 11th, 2005, 11:09 am

 

For the week of Dec 11, 2005

 
It’s a weird, unexpected time here in Pine Valley. We all pretty much thought the excitement for the year, save a Christmas miracle or two, was over. All the residents who returned from the dead were nestled all snug in their beds. It was fairly certain that people would not have to rise from their beds to see what was the clatter on the Fusion roof until February sweeps.  Erica had shouted, “New Beginnings to all and to all a goodnight!”  And the Laverys had already hung their clown noses by the chimney with care.

 

When suddenly our wondering ears did hear words that had not been spoken in Pine Valley for years (if ever):

 

             “This may sound hypocritical…”

 

And it was Di Henry who spoke them. My opinion of an AMC character has never changed as rapidly my opinion of Di has over the past few weeks. It’s not that I am forgetting her DiDixie days, but her willingness to take responsibility for her misdeeds makes it easier to see who she really is. And the fact that Di admits that she might, from time to time, actually be hypocritical puts her ahead of everyone else in the Valley. It certainly places her ahead of the object of her misplaced affections, Tad. Tad who gave Dixie’s afghan to her sister Di and then attacked Di for acting like her sister Dixie.  Does Di really need that kind of passive/aggressive behavior in her life? Nope. And a woman who is willing to be honest about herself will never be happy with a man like Tad to whom introspection is a foreign concept. While Di’s attraction to Tad puzzles me, her transformation into a likeable character amazes me.

 

Another character who continues to amaze me is Ryan. What amazes me about Ryan? How my loathing for him grows with every word that comes out if his mouth.  In fact my loathing for him is so great that it helps me understand how Lily feels when she sees red. My Ryan loathing can block out everything. I must exercise great restraint to see what else is happening on the screen. I have to remind myself that Ryan is a fictional character and not someone I can actually run over with my car.

 

To his credit Ryan has done something that I did not think was possible. He has surpassed Tad as PV’s leading hypocrite. When Ryan accused Zach of faking his own death because Zach wasn’t “man enough to stick around” he left Tad coughing in his dust. 

 

It’s not just Ryan’s hypocrisy that is leading me to have homicidal fantasies; it is his constant insistence that Jonathan is just a poor little lamb who has lost his way. Yes, perhaps Hocket/Sprocket’s brain tumor exacerbated his violent tendencies but it did not cause them. The root cause is still in Jonathan as it is in Ryan, parental abuse when they were children.  The only way for a PV resident to believe that Jonathan is all better now would be to be as stupid as TPTB clearly think we viewers are.  It’s just damn irritating.

 

Several AMC characters and situations are irritating me these days.

 

With Julia “could anyone possibly sound more condescending than I do?” Santos we get a twofer. The character and the situation are both irritating. Julia teaching a life skills class makes absolutely no sense. No sense except to prop the horrifying prospect of a Lily/Jonathan romance.  And her attitude towards her students reached new levels in condescension. Julia sounded like she was paper-training a puppy rather trying to help people by teaching them life skills.

 

And am I the only one who was surprised that Lily was taking life skills class with adults at the hospital? I erroneously imagined her taking it with other adolescents who had similar social skill problems. Silly me.

 

Erica’s actions usually do not irritate me. In fact, I expect her to do a certain number of irritating things simply because she is Erica. However her encouraging Kendall and Ryan to hang on to each other made no sense. No sense if she cared at all about Kendall’s happiness. Erica’s transformation into a Ryan worshipper is truly irritating. If anything, the worship should be flowing from Ryan to Erica because she stood by him publicly when that Kit Fisher person accused him of rape. All her ramblings about Ryan saving her life make no sense at all.

 

You might think Erin would be irritating me, but she is not. I have decided that nothing she says will ever make any sense. That way I can just ignore her.

 

Irritation can be a complex thing. For example, Adam and Krystal as a couple irritate me, yet Bobbie Eakes and David Canary as actors sharing a scene delight me.

 

And whether you find it irritating or not, here comes the non-sequitur portion of the column:

 

This week RJ Gannon, one of my favorite OLTL characters, mentioned another character doing “summer stock in Pine Valley.” It got me to thinking about the Pepper Pot Players and how much I miss them.

 

“I am a cynic.”  Why did JR say that as if it were a bad thing? To me being a cynic is the only sensible thing to be.

 

If we could have an Aidan/Zach scene every day it would make me almost as happy as having a Kendall/Zach scene every day.

 

I have tried and tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for Amanda’s unfortunate headband/scarf.  Did the hospital give it to her to hold her skull fracture together?

 

Why is Sam staying with Brooke? Isn’t her being on the backburner punishment enough?

 

Why was Danni, high school student, treating Simone, Brown University graduate, as if she were the dimmest bulb in the Fusion chandelier?

 

“I’ve never had it this good, so if you’ve never had this bad, that sucks for you.”   Babe said this to Kendall, which I didn’t like. However I might have liked Babe just a little if she had been honest enough to say this to Binky during the whole Mirabess mess. It would have been mean, it would have been bitchy, but it would have more honest than that “Bess has two Mommies” pap.

 

“The very suave, very important head of ABC daytime.”  Brian Frons pimping himself. That’s one class act, isn’t it?

 

Just when you think it is safe to look at the screen, Krystal wears the-bustier-on-top blouse again. We should be warned in advance about horrifying things like that.

 

Speaking of clothes, what is it with Erica and red? I am no saint, patron or otherwise, but if my stepdaughter had a meltdown each time she saw red, I would remove all traces from my wardrobe.

 

“He’s a liar. And you’re a sucker.” I do hope that was foreshadowing on Zach’s part.  And I hope Ryan remembers that line as the “real” Jonathan is holding his head under the PV Ocean for the third, and final, count.

 

“Doctor, janitor, psycho whack job.”  It is impossible for me to hate David when he has such clear insight into his various roles in PV society.

 

I am getting an awful feeling that Janet’s role in PV is as Norman Bates. Isn’t it odd that Amanda hasn’t heard from her dad?  How do we really know Trevor is in Ireland?  Janet looks heavenward to talk with Nattie, but looks straight ahead to talk with Trevor. Is that because a taxidermed Trevor is sitting in the chair opposite Janet? And the cooler helps confirm my belief that Janet is not home, but walking around PV unnoticed.

 

“I have not been this good. Have I?” Oh yes you have Simone. And Ethan is all the more interesting because he noticed how good you have been and has rewarded you for it. Watch out Babe and Kendall.

 

Jamie in glasses. I know it was AMC’s “subtle” way of trying to make him look smart. All I could wonder was, what did Jamie do with the attached non-clown nose and mustache?

 

“Laverys on Ice. How adorable.” Yes, it was adorable Zach. But you know what would be even more adorable?  Laverys falling through the ice.

 

It’s pretty clear I am smitten with Zach. In fact I think I want to build an altar to Zach. I also want an alter named Zach so I can walk around town being cool, funny and right!

 

Several people have written to me suggesting that Sam hammocked Kendall in order to frame Jonathan. It’s an interesting theory, but isn’t Sam too short to have done that?  Wouldn’t he need a booster chair or something?

 

Are the planets misaligned? For a moment there, when she was trying to embarrass Jamie in front of his adoring study group, I almost liked Amanda. And when it was clear Josh was using her, I almost felt sorry for her. Will someone please slap me now?

 

And finally, when all the Ryan propping gets to us, let us remember this: Ryan may have a clown nose but Zach has a magic wand (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). And a magic wand trumps a clown nose every time.

 

Will there be anything magic in this week’s spoilers? Let’s see:

 

Two doors down they’re laughing and having a party at Casa Chandler:

 

Krystal invites every trucker she knows, and that’s a lot, to a kegger at the Chandler house.

 

But does she check their driver’s licenses at the door?

 

Krystal tells Adam she will send everyone back to the truck stop if he will stop saying terrible things about Babe.

 

Terrible things like what? That her mother wears a bustier-on-top blouse? Or that Babe kept a mother from her child for months?  Or some other true and terrible thing about Babe?

 

Adam calls in the security guards to end the party.

 

I think Adam should have called Palmer and borrowed the Dobermans.

 

Despite Adam’s best efforts, Krystal manages to get the last laugh.

 

This is what irritates me about this story. No one should get the last laugh on Adam except for Palmer.

 

JR freaks when he realizes that Adam is starting to really care for Krystal.

 

If I were JR I would freak, too. After first locking up the silver and advising Adam to always, always shower in a raincoat.

 

Adam decides that he will do all he can to prevent JR from reconciling with Babe.

 

Again, I suggest that Adam call Palmer and borrow the Dobermans.

 

JR leads Babe on, only to dash her hopes about getting back together.

 

That JR is downright evil. Who does he think he is, manipulating Babe into a position that makes it difficult for her to manipulate him?

 

When JR rejects her, Babe comes to a startling realization.

 

That her plan didn’t work? Or that she genuinely loves JR? That evil SOB.

 

Meanwhile, it’s hardly party time over at PVH:

 

At the last minute David prevents the doctors from performing open-heart surgery.

But how could he have heart surgery when even his loving devoted daughter Babe swears David doesn’t have a heart? I think David should go to Joe and threaten a huge lawsuit. Unless of course Joe writes to the Pennsylvania Medical Association insisting that David’s medical license be reissued.

 

David accuses Amanda of causing the medical mistaken identity.

 

A logical assumption in an illogical situation.

 

Amanda tells Jamie that she is afraid she may actually be the one who tried to hurt David and Kendall and Babe. She doesn’t remember because of the blackouts.

 

This pretty much guarantees that Amanda did nothing to harm any of them.

 

Jamie asks Amanda to move back in with him so he can take care of her.

 

“Oh, thank you, Jamie. I knew there was a reason I put on my “moving in” panties this morning!”

 

Jamie tells JR the real reason he asked Amanda to move in: to prove that Amanda hurt Babe.

 

Is that a crowbar I see headed Jamie’s way? I certainly hope so.

 

Babe is angry with Josh when she finds out Amanda is working at New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?)

 

Babe: “How did you get this job? Your being here will make it hard for me to flirt with Josh.”

Amanda: “I’ve never had it this good so if you’ve never had it this bad, that sucks for you.”

 

And there is nothing like divorce to get those romantic juices flowing:

 

Kendall tells Zach she feels more like they are on their honeymoon than getting a divorce.

 

Gee, you don’t think Zach could have planned it that way, do you?

 

The Slaters have a romantic dinner. Zach tells Kendall that no matter what she decides about the baby, he will stand by her. Even if they are divorced.

 

That evil rotten SOB. Talking to Kendall like that. Being supportive and loving. Who the hell does he think he is?

 

Kendall goes for a walk on the beach. Zach finds her and tells her to forget that he said he loves her. He does love her but is afraid he will end up hurting her.

 

Zach is choosing to fall on his rather large sword in order to protect Kendall. How can Kendall resist offering to help him sheath that sword?

 

Kendall and Zach watch a fireworks display that Zach has arranged.

 

If only those fireworks were a metaphor.

 

 

Zach goes to bed. Kendall goes to bed. Separately. Zach dreams about Myrtle.

 

No, not that kind of dream. He dreams that Myrtle is telling him to fight for Kendall. Wouldn’t it be fun if Myrtle were dressed as Queen Gertrude during the dream?

 

Zach and Kendall move towards each other, when Ryan shows up, spoiling the moment.

 

And my Ryan loathing just kicked up a notch.

 

Ryan does his best to make Kendall feel insecure about Zach.

 

I am going to have to ask Santa for a new Ryan loathing gauge because my current one doesn’t go high enough.

 

What accounts for Ryan’s sudden interest in Kendall? Greg explained to him that on the night of the blackout all of Greenlee’s eggs were destroyed. That the only hope of giving Greens her supposedly dead husband’s baby was to impregnate Kendall.

 

Didn’t Kendall say exactly the same thing on Thanksgiving?

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

Myrtle gets her Christmas wish when Bianca shows up in PV.

 

But will we get our wish? Will Binky reunite the Slaters?

 

Di tells Tad that Greg has a file on him.

 

Now I get what Greg is up to. A research paper called Hypocrites and Fertility: Is there a connection?

 

Di also tells Tad that she once met Dixie.

 

Well, Di did say she would answer any questions anyone had about her past. Is it her fault that no one asked whether or not she had met Dixie?

 

Erin and Aidan get locked in a Christmas tree lot. Erin has a difficult time fighting her attraction to Aidan.

 

In Erin’s defense, once a woman has gotten a whiff of spotted dick, it’s hard to think about anything else.

 

When Sam realizes that Lily believes Jonathan has changed he tells her she is stupid.

 

As much as I would love to fault Sam on this one, I just can’t.

 

Lily and Jonathan head to the mall.

 

“Look---Lil—Lily-----I have lots----offf---mmm-money to spend---at—the ---whore----store.”

 

Lily and Jonathan talk about what they want in romantic partners.

 

Lily: “He would have to like math. And mysteries. And not mind not touching. He would have to like my Dad. And never ever wear red.”

 

Jonathan: “ She---would----have-to---bbbe- nice. Annnd---belll-smell- gggood. I would---lllove-her---with all---my--- fart---heart.”

 

Stuart believes Jonathan when he says he is good now.

 

Well if ever we needed proof that Stuart is brain-damaged…

 

Oh those AMC actors:

 

Say goodbye to Sam. Bobby Steggert’s last day is December 20th.

 

Sam is probably headed to California. I think his Aunt Julia should accompany him. Just to keep Sam company and give us a break.

 

Richard Masur joins AMC as Erica’s network boss.

 

I have always liked him. He was Anne’s boyfriend on One Day at a Time  and the recruiter from Princeton in Risky Business.  To me his best performance was when he was a guest on Crossfire.  Mr. Masur managed to keep a straight face when Robert Novak declared that Bo Derek’s acting talents were on par with Meryl Streep’s.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate
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Sun, Dec. 4th, 2005, 11:07 am

 

For the week of Dec 4, 2005

 

“I am a bitch. That’s what I do.”

                    Greenlee Smythe

 

 

It makes me a bit sad knowing this is the last time I can use that Greenlee quote. Greenlee’s actions often drove me nuts, but I do not despise her as some viewers do. Maybe it’s because I understand her motivations, which have nothing to do with being a woman in her 30s running a successful cosmetics company. They have everything to do with her still seeing the world as a small child routinely neglected by the people who should have been paying her the most attention, her parents. Greenlee undoubtedly learned that the only way to get acknowledgement was to act out whatever she was feeling. That is pretty much what children do, and what children with narcissistic parents do even more (i.e. Bianca setting fire to her dollhouse).  Children who feel loved grow past that stage. They come to realize they have a safe place in the world where they can feel secure. Greenlee never got past that because there never was a safe place for her. True, her grandparents loved her more than the nanny did, but all she could see, and understandably so, was that her parents did not.

 

Greenlee acts out because she believes it is the only way the world will see and hear her. And she’s a soap character so her actions are always extreme. Also because she is a soap character she will never seek therapy to help her.(Lysistrata does not count.) Greenlee has had one shot in her life at feeling safe and that was with Leo. Leo loved her and accepted her. Over time she could have learned that she did not need to be a drama queen to get attention. She would have never gotten that with Ryan because he is a drama queen himself.

 

David, who understands her more than anyone, could have shown her security, too. She was never going to get security from Jack because he too often lets his anger override his desire to be a good parent.

 

That is why Greenlee has always made grand dramatic public displays when she is hurt. It hasn’t always been pretty to watch. It hasn’t been fun to see her hurt characters I care about. It hasn’t been fun to see her hurt herself either. And if she were a real person I would be telling her to grow up and see a shrink but because she is not real, I am able to say that I am going to miss the little bitch.

 

Kendall, Greens’ best friend and nemesis, does not always act in her best interests either. When a man like Zach, flawed but grown-up, declares his love, the correct thing to do is fly into his arms. Kendall being Kendall could not do that, which left me yelling “my god, girl, you are an idiot.” Still love her but damn.

 

Poor Kendall. She is paying the price now for making a decision with her heart instead of her head.  Does it seem to anyone else that it is far too high a price? The way everyone, save Zach and Erica, treated her made me glad the Tar n’ Feather store was closed on Thanksgiving.

 

What I loved about Zach’s reaction was that he accepted her answer about Ryan. Just accepted it. No more questions. And isn’t part of what real love is, unconditional acceptance?  Kendall has never had that, so she does not recognize it. If she does not recognize it soon I am going to have to slap her. Or  have hot sex with Zach myself. As if.

 

Erica finally told Kendall what she has been longing to hear, that her mother loves her unconditionally. Unfortunately Erica followed that with an interrogation about Kendall’s reasons. Erica’s picking at the open wound that is Kendall sort of diminished the “unconditional” part of her statement.  If only Kendall had heard Erica tell Jack, “I will not allow anyone to attack my daughter.”

 

Jack. Jack. Jack. I have always adored you, but even crawling across cut glass naked might not get you back in my good graces. Of course Greenlee’s leaving has to be all Kendall’s fault. The reason your daughter fled, instead of turning to her father, could not possibly be because she did not want to hear you say, “I told you so.”

 

Damn I seem to be serious today. Can I blame it on Kendall? Just kidding. Can I blame it on the antibiotics and painkillers I am taking? Thanks.

 

Usually being sick makes me long to be a patient at PVH, but no longer. Not when they hook Babe up to a nebulizer and forget to plug it in. My mother had a nebulizer and those babies are loud and steamy. Not only that, Babe has sucked on dates harder than she was sucking on equipment designed to help her breath.  (See, I can be sensitive. I used the word “dates” instead of “customers” or “teachers.”)

 

Plus if Amanda, who has a skull fracture, has to take a number, what hope would I have of ever seeing a doctor? I mean a real doctor not Jamie.

 

I have no segue for this except that I want to talk about Di. Unlike Jackson, Di took a major step towards redemption this week. She managed to get through the humiliation of the videotape with her dignity in tact. She is one of the few people in PV to admit she has done something horribly wrong and is willing face the consequences with grace. And most importantly, she did not blame her career as a pole dancer on Kendall.

 

And now for the non-sequitur portion of the program.

 

When Ryan was fondling Greenlee’s bra, were anyone else’s prayers answered when he did not progress to sniffing her panties?

 

Janet in that wedding veil was wonderful. Sort of like Ms. Haversham on acid. Made me laugh. Yet when she spoke about being “Chubby Checker me” it made me sad for her. I adore Kate Collins.

 

Now we know that Greg lives at the Valley Inn, but where does Josh live? Oh, yeah, he lives under a rock.

 

“Can I speak with her?”  Who was Di calling?  Dixie? Her mother? The woman who does her bikini waxing? Or merely her parole officer? I think it all depends on how Cady McClain’s contract negotiations turn out.

 

Speaking of bikinis, life in the WPP really did toughen Julia up. Tough enough to swim in the Pine Valley Ocean in early December.  Brian Frons really had to reach for that excuse to have a PV woman scantily and inappropriately clad.

 

“Ryan is not Michael Cambias.”  That’s true, Erica. Michael even with all his heinous felonious faults was interesting.

 

Jamie in his underwear. If his brains were as large as his package I might believe he was smart enough to handle medical school.

 

This commentary started with Greenlee and it is going to end with her. This is the scene I would have preferred as her final one:

 

Paris. The late afternoon sun warms a sidewalk café. A beautiful couple shares a table. She is drinking Lillet, he is drinking Campari and soda. They are laughing the intimate laugh of a couple in love. Yes, Greenlee and Leo are laughing at how ridiculous Ryan always looked in his nez de clown.

 

 

Will this week’s spoilers be ridiculous or not? Let’s see:

 

Over at Casa Chandler:

 

JR messes with Babe’s emotions and Babe messes with his.

 

Remember now, JR’s messing means he is evil; Babe’s messing means her doggone heart is as big as the doggone outdoors.

 

JR gives Kendall parenting advice, which angers her.

 

Kendall is justifiably stressed. It’s one thing to plan on giving birth, it’s quite another to realize you are actually going to be a mother.

 

Krystle is concerned that Babe is falling for JR and begs her to give up her plan.

 

Yes, Babe’s plan is stupid. On the other hand Babe is much more interesting when she is with JR. They sizzle as opposed to the soforic effect of Babe and Jamie.

 

Babe and JR kiss but Babe does not let it go any further.

 

What happened? Did JR not put enough cash on the nightstand?

 

Adam believes Krystal will leave if he insists on consummating their marriage. Krystal surprises him by saying a “real” marriage is just what she wants.

 

Adam is so adept at being a cunning linguist you would think he could convince Krystal to go. Of course his skills as a cunning linguist could be one reason she doesn’t want to leave.

 

This week on Surrogacy: Secrets, Suspicions and Sperm:

 

Kendall wakes up to find she is  not swinging from a star but swinging in a hammock attached to the roof instead.

 

Man, that roof gets more action than Zach. Now, who put Kendall in that predicament? Well, since everything is Kendall’s fault, she must have done it to herself. Who else could have done it? Certainly not Jonathan, because he---is a----wo—od----good—b-b-boy---cow—now.

 

Zach rescues his wife.

What I like about Zach is that he doesn’t need a stupid Dynamite Kiddo ring to prove he is a hero. His actions prove it.

 

Elated by the rescue, Kendall’s mood is deflated when she finds that Zach has signed the divorce papers.

 

Zach undoubtedly sees that as another way to rescue Kendall, by giving her what she wants.

 

Zach convinces Kendall that they should travel together to get their divorce. On a tropical island.

 

Well, these kids never did get a honeymoon.

 

Ryan tells Kendall that he will support whatever decisions she makes about the baby.

 

As long as she divorces Zach. Worships Ryan. Gets Erin set up as co-host on New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?) And names Jonathan the new “Man of Enchantment.”

 

Unfortunately the Bloody Laverys are still in town.

 

Zach strongly advises Ryan to stay away from Kendall and her baby.

I would just be happy if Ryan stayed away from the front burner for about five years.

 

Zach starts punching Jonathan but Julia and Spotted Dick stop him.

 

Please tell me it’s because they want a crack, with a tire iron, at Jonathan.

 

Erin tries to figure out how many enemies Kendall has.

 

A few, Erin, but not any that would endanger a pregnant woman. In fact the only enemy Kendall has ever had that threatened her life, besides the very dead Michael Cambias, is Jonathan. I have a sinking feeling it will turn out to be someone other than Jonathan. He seems destined to be PV’s Patron Saint in Waiting.

 

Kendall’s bad week only gets worse:

 

Livia has surprising papers for Babe to sign. Greenlee has given Babe her Fusion stock.

 

I know Greens does not see it as rewarding Babe but as punishing Kendall. Still I think Leo would be very disappointed in her for giving such bounty to the woman who kept Bianca from Miranda.

 

Kendall and Babe do not agree when it comes to business.

 

“Babe, you idiot, you do not ask the President of Lacey’s to show you his driver’s license before taking a meeting.”

 

Other stuff happens, too

 

Myrtle has a lot to do this week.

 

Between Janet and Myrtle I almost look forward to AMC every day.

 

Di gets the job at Greg’s clinic.

 

She will be a good receptionist and she will save them money. Instead of all those subscriptions to porn magazines she can just pole dance for each depositor.

 

Tad convinces Di to nose around the clinic for him.

 

And the Adventures of DiSpy begin.

 

Tad tells Di he found a file about the Martin family in Greg’s room.

 

Maybe Greg just wanted the recipe for Kate’s special coffee cake?

 

Di tells Tad a secret about Dixie.

 

Dixie taught Di to pole dance?

 

Amanda tells Josh she has blackouts.

 

Making her the perfect person for Josh to set up. I do not know for what exactly but Josh seems like he is always looking for someone to set up.

 

Josh tells Erica he is on her side.

 

Erica, my dear, do you need help removing that knife from your back?

 

Jamie is determined to prove that Amanda is the soup poisoner.

 

“But Jamie I don’t even own poisoning panties!”

 

Sam and his friends harass Jonathan.

 

Sam has friends?

 

Oh those AMC actors:

 

Kate Collins will bring Janet back for the holidays.

 

Bianca and Janet both back in town. At the very least Christmas in Pine Valley will be interesting.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate
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Sun, Nov. 27th, 2005, 11:04 am

 

For the week of Nov 27, 2005


 

My Thanksgiving was great. It was restful. It was quiet. It was filled with good cheer. 

Obviously I did not spend Thanksgiving in Pine Valley. Holidays in the Valley are always an interesting time. They have been known to bring out the best in PV residents but that is a rare occurrence.  This Thanksgiving was not one of those rare times. How could it be given all that has happened over the past few months? Although it would have been fun to see the Slaters cooking their first Thanksgiving dinner together. Naked.

 

This year we were treated to glimpses into only two families: the Chandler Conglomerate and the Kane-Montgomery-Lavery-Hayward-Slater-Madden food fight, I mean, food fest.

 

JR certainly knows how to make his guests feel part of the pre-dinner entertainment doesn’t he? One of Di’s lifelong wishes was to be a “special” part of a “special” family. Her experience this Thanksgiving will teach her to be more careful about what she wishes for in the future, won’t it?

 

I can understand JR’s need to humiliate Di, because she humiliated him. He truly believed Di was whistling Dixie when in fact she played him for a fool. However, now that he has that out of his system I hope he moves on. Not because I have any sympathy for Di but because we already have Babe being made into a victim/heroine and one of those is all I can stomach. And I can barely handle that.

 

The gathering at Casa Chandler seemed an odd crew. If Palmer really felt the need to be present, why didn’t he bring Petey along? If ever there was child who would enjoy a lap dance, it’s Petey.

 

I was puzzled, too, as to why Tad was at the Chandlers instead of with Jamie and Brooke. Then I realized that Jamie was most likely called into PVH to perform emergency heart surgery. As for Brooke, the writers have forgotten about her, so why should I be surprised that Tad has too?

 

I won’t be surprised if next year the Valley Inn tells Erica they are completely booked when she calls for Thanksgiving reservations.

 

If Erica does manage to book a table, people will be begging for invitations just to see what happens. This year alone, hearts will be broken, maybe careers will be ruined and Erica will realize that she is related to the child Kendall is carrying. Not that it makes her a grandmother, mind you, but she is related to it.

 

The saddest part about the Kane-Montgomery-Hayward-Slater-Madden dinner is that they will not get to eat it. Very sad indeed considering that the Valley Inn chef made a Lavery family recipe for the occasion. And what was it? Why, sage, chestnut and clown nose dressing of course.

 

I admit that for a brief moment on Wednesday I felt badly for Greenlee. Given her poor prognosis for future pregnancies, she is understandably heartbroken that she will not be the biological mother. Yes, if her anger were about that, I would continue to be sympathetic. However since it will undoubtedly be all about Ryan my sympathy will be very short lived.

 

I am sympathetic to Kendall since the Patron Saint of the Disenfranchised Embryo will undoubtedly be demoted back to Pariah of the Valley. Sympathetic, but confused. For years, we have seen that most of Kendall’s emotional problems stem from feeling that Erica abandoned her. Kendall has brought up, over and over again, that Erica “gave her away.”  How then could Kendall so easily decide to give her child away to the Laverys?   Erica had valid reason to have Kendall adopted. She was 14 and had been raped. While that truth was hard for Kendall to accept, it seems to me that Kendall’s explanation of “the world needed Ryan’s baby” will be much harder for her son to accept.  Goodness knows I cannot accept it at all.

 

I can accept the medical inaccuracies of the surrogacy story far easier than I can accept this character inconsistency.

 

 

I thought it was also character inconsistency for the Martins not to have a big Thanksgiving dinner at their home. Then I realized Joe and Ruth probably went to Nova Scotia to visit their front porch.

 

All My Thanksgiving Schmattes

 

Clothing in Pine Valley is one thing that confuses me all the time.  Somehow it was appropriate for Greenlee, recovering from bruised ribs, to wear a tight strapless dress when leaving the hospital. Yet she wore pants to Thanksgiving dinner at the very proper Valley Inn. And the purse she was carrying was just about as big as Pennsylvania.

 

The colors of Greens’ top were nice. Very autumnal, as were the colors Simone was wearing. However Kendall should have been suspicious the moment Greenlee dressed her for a Saint Patricks Day Parade instead of Thanksgiving. The word schmatte was invented for just such an outfit.

 

And was Di wearing a nun’s underwear for her lap dance? Or was it simply thermal underwear cut down a bit?  

 

And now for the non-sequitur portion of the column.

 

“I know CPR. HELP!   JR had to go to CPR class to learn to shout “HELP” when someone is injured?   If he hadn’t taken the class would he have just sat there?  If so, maybe JR should be auditing Lily’s life skills class.

 

I would love for the person who shot at Jonathan to have a brain tumor.  That would be beautiful Karmic payback.

 

“My allegiance is to Greenlee.”  When David said that, I mourned again the supercouple that could have been.

 

I loved when Adam mentioned Palmer and fried chicken.  Ahh, sweet memories of Cluck Cluck Chicken. Memories that had me mourning the loss of Opal and Palmer.

 

NuDerek has turned out to be one hardass, hasn’t he? Not that I am complaining but if I were a criminal in PV I would be lawyering up before I committed a crime.

 

“If someone told me that Kendall Hart would redefine friendship...” I just wanted to smack Ryan when he said that. Kendall redefined a lot of things when she was ready to go to prison for a murder she did not commit. Ryan on the other hand has not redefined anything about himself.

 

I think New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?) should be cancelled. What should air in its place? Why, Zach and The Spotted Dick, of course. Aidan and Zach were simply delightful together.

 

“You and I both ended up loving Greenlee.” True, Kendall, but sadly only Ryan had sex with her.

 

I have been thinking a little bit more about Erica “As god is my witness I will never be called Grandma” Kane. Another grandchild is going to be problematic for her. Imagine her introducing both of them to the owner of Baby Gucci. “This is Miranda. She is my daughter Bianca’s baby. And the wonderful amazing Ryan Lavery is this handsome little fellow’s father. His mother? Oh, my daughter Kendall. We named him after the sweetest man, his Uncle Jonathan. Say “Hello” to Lil’Hockit.”

 

 Will this week’s spoilers be problematic for us or not? Let’s see:

 

The festivities continue at Casa Chandler:

 

Di offers to tell JR anything he wants to know about her past.

 

As soon as the writers finish re-writing it of course.  I do not really care about Di’s history. What I care about is how much responsibility she takes for her actions in the present.

 

Tad begins to respect Di.

 

Respect will lead to love. And love will lead to the return of Dixie.

 

Remember when Krystal told Adam her Thanksgiving soup would have him wanting to sleep with her? Instead, it sends Adam to the Emergency Room.

 

Well, sex with Krystal could have sent him to the ER, too.

 

Babe and Krystal also have to go the ER.

 

Only this time it’s not for sex.

 

Josh finds Amanda roaming aimlessly in the road. He takes her to the ER.

 

Why is that different behavior for Amanda? The writers have had her wandering aimlessly since she returned to PV.

 

Suspicions are running high that Amanda poisoned the soup. Amanda swears she is innocent.

 

That’s what Amanda gets for wearing her red herring panties to the Chandlers.

 

Josh backs Amanda up.

 

Against the wall? No silly, in her claims of innocence.  Josh’s loyalties certainly are fluid, aren’t they?

 

The holiday fun continues at the Valley Inn:

 

Kendall admits that yes, it was her egg that was fertilized with Ryan’s sperm.

 

Making it just the luckiest little egg in the world, right?

 

Kendall explains what happened and why her egg had to be used.

 

“Well, Rebecca Budig is leaving and there is no way Greenlee would leave without her baby. And Greenlee is Jack’s daughter so there is no way she could be killed off. And the writers must be smoking crack again because they believe Ryan is my soulmate.  And since all this matters more than my long established abandonment issues, my egg was used. Got it?”

 

Greenlee does not buy Kendall’s explanation. She believes Kendall’s true motivation was to get back with Ryan.

 

Wasn’t Ryan “dead” when the fertilization happened?  It’s not as if he and Greenlee were on a break, he was “dead.”

 

Greenlee announces she is leaving town. Ryan wants to go with her.

 

I think that is an excellent idea. Go with her Ryan. Trust me, we will adjust.

 

Greenlee refuses Ryan’s offer. She tells him he has to stay in Pine Valley for his son’s sake.

 

C’mon, admit it, Greenlee, it’s really because Ryan would be bringing Jonathan with him, isn’t it? And I don’t blame you at all.

 

Erica is furious with Greg.

 

So furious that her head tossing is out of control, getting hair in everyone’s salad.

 

When Tad hears the Surrogacy Saga, he agrees to dig up dirt on Greg Madden.

 

I don’t know, it just seems like Spotted Dick would be more suited for this case.

 

Fearing her mother’s wrath, Kendall is quite surprised when Erica wants to understand why Kendall did what she did.

 

As do we all, Erica, as do we all.

 

Zach is exceedingly kind to Kendall. She doesn’t understand why.

 

Read my lips, Kendall : “He love you.” Sometimes Kendall is so dense. Lovely but dense.

 

Zach defends Kendall to all comers.

 

This is what women want. A man who will defend you and your actions even if he does not quite understand them himself.

 

Myrtle advises Zach to tell Kendall how he really feels.

 

A Myrtle/Zach scene. Even better than a Zach/Spotted Dick scene.

 

Myrtle decides she needs to take action on the Slaters’ behalf.

 

Nothing stops a carny girl once she gets an idea in her head. Kendall and Zach do not stand a chance and that is a good thing, indeed.

 

Jonathan---blames---Kendall for---destroy---ing---his- broth—er’s--- carriage—marriage.

 

Like brother, like brother. Everything is always Kendall’s fault.

 

Someone attacks Kendall from behind.

 

Could this be the Zach and Kendall sex I have been craving? Alas no it just a simple case of assault.

 

One other thing happens, too:

 

Ryan and Julia sympathize with each other.

 

I cannot wait for their book, Pity Parties for Losers, to come out, can you?

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate
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Sun, Nov. 20th, 2005, 11:37 am

 


For the week of Nov 20, 2005

 


(This wonderful picture comes courtesy of Bernie and Nikki at www.karaokemiami.com They surprised me with pictures from their SSW trip. Thank you Nikki and Bernie for letting us see Thorsten Kaye not wearing a suit!  I am not prone to bragging but I really do have the best readers.)

 

That picture certainly gets this column off on a positive note, doesn’t it?

 

I do not even have to struggle to find something positive to say about this past week’s AMC thanks to the wonderful Kate Collins. Her return as Janet was the best AMC return in recent memory. Ms. Collins stepped back into the role as if she had never left. It is an understatement to say that Janet is an over-the-top character but Ms. Collins has never played her as a caricature. Janet’s heart and soul are always present. We see not only Janet’s psychosis but also the damage Wilma did to her. And Janet’s struggle to be “normal.”  Add to that Ms. Collins’ perfect comedic timing and what’s not to love?

 

I laughed when Janet walked into the room looking like she had just stepped out of Cherry Ames: Private Duty Nurse.  And I confess to quicktears when Janet was telling Amanda about her loneliness.

 

Amanda. In her scenes with Janet she felt real to me for the first time. Isn’t it amazing how a good actor can bring out the best in her fellow players? I have said for years that soaps make a huge mistake putting inexperienced actors into a storyline with other inexperienced actors. The results are seldom good.

 

As surprising as Amanda was, the writing supporting Janet’s return was even more so. Janet’s history was spot on. The enjoyment I felt while watching Janet was reminiscent of the pleasure I used to feel watching AMC.

 

Frankly, I do not get any pleasure from watching the Lavery Hour. Especially since the people shooting at them keep missing. When the Laverys were standing in the alley, I kept hoping Jack and Aidan would revive that Pine Valley pastime ”dumpster dumping.” I think I would have enjoyed that even more than the dumpster dumping of Michael Cambias.

 

Ryan’s tone of entitlement when bringing up Michael Cambias to Jack infuriated me. And the increasingly annoying Erin topped that by referring to Aidan as a “revenge seeking jerk.”  Well if someone had killed two of my friends and terrorized a few more, revenge might be on my mind, too.

 

Let’s face it, the Laverys are one tacky family. Arrogantly tacky.  They lack the class and grace to allow Jonathan’s victims time to be upset and angry.

 

The writers seemed determined to not allow the viewers to feel that way, either. A million visits from the lovely Lily are not going to change my mind about Jonathan. And Julia’s sudden psychic ability to read a man’s soul is not working for me, either. I expect that any moment Stuart will give a “Jonathan has a good heart, I can see it” speech.

 

The declawing of Erica, which began with her lack of revenge plans for the Concubines, continues:

 

Jack: “For all intents and purposes Ryan helped his brother harm Greenlee.”

 

Erica: “OK, I think you are oversimplifying.”

 

Erica seems to have forgotten that Edmund was her “dear, dear friend” and that Jonathan terrorized her daughters.  I have issues with Erica, but sacrificing the character’s essence for plot line purposes has got to stop.

 

I could go on for hours about this, but will end now by answering Jonathan’s question “Is the bad really over?”  Nope, Jonathan, as long as AMC is the Lavery Hour, the bad will never be over.

 

Now for the non sequitur portion of the program.

 

Finally I see the real reason Anita is hanging around Pine Valley. First, she lets Zach eavesdrop over the intercom. Then she lets Zach know Kendall is in the hospital and this week she let Kendall know about Zach’s visit. Obviously Anita is playing, albeit unintentionally, Cupid for the Slaters. Come here, Anita, let me give you a hug.

 

I did not want to hug Jamie this week, but I did like him for a moment. It was when he said, “Janet.. (I mean) Mrs. Dillon.”  I think that was the first time he has shown respect for an adult.  Janet may be crazy but in that scene she brought out the best in Jamie.

 

“She’s carrying my baby so of course I want what’s best for Kendall.”   I did not need further proof that Ryan is a self-serving arrogant jerk, but it was nice to have one of my core AMC beliefs confirmed.

 

The surrogate story is close to getting on my last nerve. It will all be worth it though when the Lifetime movie comes out. It’s title? Why, Ryan Junior Has Two Mommies, of course.

 

How wonderful was it to see Myrtle? If the Slaters ever get around to renewing their vows, I want Myrtle to be Zach’s “best person.”

 

In case you were wondering, I am not the one who shot at Jonathan. Honest. I even have an alibi: I was helping Zach rearrange his sock drawer.

 

Ahh Zach. When he asked, “You wanted me?” how many of us shouted out, “Yeah, baby!”

 

Speaking of characters who make me warm, why is David still doing community service?

 

Since it is the season of indulgence, I will indulge myself by re-writing one of Greenlee’s lines. It was when she and Kendall were discussing baby names:

 

“We need a name that sounds like music and means fate or transcendence or miracle baby or clown nose.”

 

Speaking of music, will this week’s spoilers have us singing a happy tune or not? Let’s see:

 

There will be no ABC soaps this Friday. On Thursday AMC will be showing a repeat featuring Greenlee and Ryan’s wedding.

 

I would prefer to watch an endless loop of Zach rubbing Kendall’s feet but maybe that’s just me.

 

Let’s get the Bloody Laverys out of the way.

 

Aidan goes to visit Jonathan and finds JR already there.

 

It’s probably too much to hope that JR is there to offer Jonathan huge piles of cash to leave town.

 

JR gives Jonathan a hard time.

 

Further proof that JR is evil, pure and simple. How dare he pick on poor sweet Jonathan?

 

Jonathan’s anger bursts forth. This helps confirm Spotted Dick’s belief that brain tumor or not, Jonathan is still dangerous.

 

Aidan really is a revenge seeking jerk, isn’t he? Doesn’t he realize that Jonathan is just upset?

 

Derek questions Aidan, Jack, Julia, Sam and Zach about the attempt on Jonathan’s life.

 

I think it’s probably Sam but it would be interesting if Maggie snuck back into PV to do the deed. Whoever it is I hope the DA decides it would be a waste of the taxpayers’ money to prosecute.

 

Ryan thinks the Laverys should find a new town to terrorize, I mean, a new town to live in. Jonathan explains why he wants to stay in Pine Valley.

 

And if anyone is capable of making a rational decision, it’s clearly Jonathan.  Fate must have one twisted sense of humor, how else to explain the Lavery line lasting this long?

 

This week on Surrogacy: Secrets, Suspicions and Sperm:

 

David confirms Greenlee’s worst fears.

 

That she won’t have hot passionate combustible sex with David before leaving town? Nope, that it’s Kendall’s biological baby not hers. (And isn’t that impossible given the hormone treatments Kendall was taking?)

 

Needing to confirm the egg duplicity, Greens seeks Joshua’s help in breaking into Greg’s office. Josh agrees.

 

“OK, OK, we can break into my dad’s office but we can only look at the file marked “Kendall’s Big Secret that Greenlee Can Never Know” not the file marked “Really Big Secret About Josh that Will Blow Pine Valley Sky High.”

 

Kendall tells Ryan that he and Greenlee will be having a son.

 

“Oh Wow. A Son! I can teach him so much. How to be pompous, how to treat women like dirt, how to lick his lips. Most importantly, I can teach him to make one clown nose last a lifetime.”

 

Now for Thanksgiving with the Kane-Montgomery family:

 

Jack and Erica are less than pleased when Lily tells them about her visit with Jonathan.

 

Is Reggie being punished for not keeping better track of Lily? Is that why there are no spoilers about him this week?

 

Jack and Erica are even more upset when David, Greg and Zach show up for dinner. Hey, they are not crashing. Greenlee invited them.

 

Let the games begin.

 

Jack and Ryan make peace.

 

And I am making my way to the bathroom because I think I am going to be sick.

 

Erica is stunned when she realizes that Kendall is in love with Zach.

 

“But I saw him first, I mean, I am just concerned your heart will get broken again, Kendall.”

 

Once everyone is seated, Greenlee announces that Kendall is not pregnant with her baby but rather with her own baby. (I love soaps because on a soap that sentence actually makes sense.)

 

We can all breath a sigh of relief because for the moment, it’s still Ryan’s baby. If that news makes you half as happy as it makes me…

 

Meanwhile over at the Chandler Mansion:

 

Wanting to protect her from whoever pushed her down the stairs, JR invites Babe to move into the mansion.

 

That SOB, how much more evil can he get?

 

Adam is less than pleased at Babe’s new living arrangements.

 

Of course he is. The cheese-in-a-can bill just doubled.

 

A private investigator delivers a videotape to JR. JR plans on using the tape to humiliate Di at Thanksgiving dinner.

 

Oh goody, I have always wanted to see Di Does Dallas.

 

I hope Thanksgiving finds you with the people you love the most and who drive you the least crazy.

 

And to my Canadian readers, a belated HappyThanksgiving and butter tarts all around!

 

Kate

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Sun, Nov. 13th, 2005, 11:30 am

 

For the week of Nov 13, 2005  

 

 

“Bloody Laverys”

 

                  Aidan “Spotted Dick” Devane

Busy week here in Pine Valley. I initiated the procedure for anointing Aidan Devane as PV’s Patron Saint of All that is Right and Reasonable.  It wasn’t easy getting time on the City Council agenda since Erica “he was just upset” Kane is already vociferously campaigning to reinstate Ryan Lavery as Patron Saint of Pine Valley. (Her actions in this regard are causing quite a rift in her marriage. Marion Colby, gossip queen extraordinaire, told me she heard that Jackson is considering suing Ryan for “alienation of affection”. Where, oh, where is Donald Steele when we need him?)

 

It is more than a matter of getting Aidan anointed; I also had to come up with ideas for celebrating Aidan Devane Day. The owner of BJs has already volunteered to turn his restaurant into a pub for the day. The menu will feature fish n’chips, bangers and mash, a mixed grilled and sticky toffee pudding.  A spotted dick tasting competition is also in the works. Krystal Carey was quite pushy about wanting to judge that competition until I explained it wasn’t that kind of dick.

 

I also pointed out that unlike festivals honoring Ryan Lavery, we all would most definitely not be required to wear clown noses all day.

 

If this gets approved I will certainly let you know.

 

I have always liked Aidan despite his unfortunate pairing with Maureen. AMC needs a male character that is a decent, charming guy. And who could resist Aiden Turner’s spot on delivery of  “Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry I am a psychopathic killer. All better now.” ?

 

Did anyone else want to slap Erica when she admonished Aidan about being so harsh with Jonathan?  Aidan had good reason to believe that a multiple murderer was dangerous. And not only that, Jonathan had really upset Lily.

 

It was funny how Jonathan knew about Erica’s show New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?). I can see why Jonathan likes her show since it is clearly geared towards people whose brains are in reboot mode.

 

The question is, should Jonathan get a new beginning? Sigh, if only we had a vote in the matter. He has not been in town for a whole day and he is already terrorizing people. And his innocence-of-a four-year-old shtick is really wearing thin.

 

Last week I mentioned how this story could be a David Cross/ Just Shoot Me homage.  I hate the Laverys so much this week that I would prefer this story be an homage to Edward Norton in Primal Fear. Mr. Norton plays a multiple murderer. MOVIE SPOILER ALERT! In one of the final scenes Mr. Norton’s character reveals that he is not an innocent but rather he is a master manipulator.  He reveals this by slipping back into the hesitant speech patterns he used to convince those around him he was too naïve to have committed such heinous crimes. I would be doing a dance of joy if we had such a scene between Jonathan and Ryan. Picture this: after Jonathan has been acquitted of all his wrong doings, he and his brother are celebrating. Suddenly Jonathan is speaking normally. Ryan looks surprised.  Jonathan says, “I really had you going there, didn’t I Ry? With all my “ me..not… bad… anymore... me… good now… bad all gone.” Who’s the smartest brother now?”  For me, that would be a really good day in Pine Valley.

 

          END OF MOVIE SPOILER ALERT!     

 

Have I mentioned yet how I hate all things Lavery?

 

Damn. I did not need a crystal ball to predict that Ryan would be blaming the mess that is his life on Zach. It’s not Ryan’s fault for playing dead. It’s not Greenlee and Kendall’s fault that they rushed into surrogacy. Or that they were stupid enough to hang out in a burning building. No, it’s all Zach’s fault. If Ryan got menstrual cramps he would probably blame them on Zach, too.

 

It was hard watching Greenlee and Kendall behaving like idiots during the fire. I accept soap characters doing stupid things out of emotional need or pain. I understand that they will have sex with the wrong people including in-laws, that they will tell lies to get what they want, and that on occasion they will kill someone with a crowbar. However not fleeing a burning building is just plain stupid.  That scene made me borderline embarrassed to be watching it.

 

Speaking of borderline, did Jamie’s diagnosis of Amanda’s borderline skull fracture sound odd to anyone else?  Of course, someone mentioning Jamie having borderline brain activity would not sound odd to me at all.

 

I confess that Amanda almost had me when she questioned whether or not she would see Harold in heaven. Fortunately I am not easily manipulated. That line did give me hope though since “dead’ characters are often mentioned right before they return. I miss Harold. I confess that I cried when Trevor had him put down.

 

I also confess that I did have quicktears during Sam’s scene with Jonathan. It was the line,” I didn’t get to say good-bye. Or thank you. Or I love you.”  That line was not only well-written but surprisingly well delivered.

 

Di and Zach also had a good set of lines this week:

 

Di:  “Where is home now?”

 

Zach: “It’s where you wake up and try again.”

 

Simple lines that conveyed a lot about both characters.

 

Could someone please explain to me how the same writing team that wrote the above wonderful lines also wrote “We have lives to save and blood to draw.”   All the actors in that scene deserved extra pay for not bursting into laughter.

 

Just a few non-sequiturs this week:

 

Besides delivering the “lives to save” line with a straight face, Anita also gets points for calling Zach about Kendall’s medical emergency. It’s doubtful anyone else in PV would have done that.

 

And why didn’t Ryan let Erica know that two of her daughters were hospitalized? Didn’t it seem odd to him that Erica was hanging out with Jonathan instead of rushing to PVH? Or maybe Ryan just assumed that of course Erica would stay with his brother since anything Lavery trumps absolutely anything else.

 

Have I mentioned that I hate the Laverys?

 

“I want you to stay here with Lily.”  Of course Reggie will do that since the writers cannot find anything else for a talented teen to do. Speaking of which, is Dani still in town?

 

“You are so much more, how could I resist?” Ahh, Zach you cannot resist Kendall any more than I can resist you.

 

I am going to miss the Roadside bar. I have fond memories of Adam and Arlene’s ownership.

 

Where is Julia’s brain? Opening the safe in full view of an opportunist like Del was not the smartest thing to do. Unless Del steals all the cash and leaves town. Then in hindsight I will applaud Julia’s oversight.

 

My friend Chuck likes Hazel and wishes we could see her stick around. I like Hazel, too, but fear if she is on too often she will soon be a Lavery worshipper. And someone as forthright as Hazel deserves better.

 

This nuDerek is doing a good job. Still when NuDerek says his lines in my head I hear how William Christenson would have delivered them and miss him.

 

I may stop calling Ryan by his name and just refer to him as the Formerly Deceased Sperm Donor.  For that moment I enjoyed Greg Madden.

 

“Before you throw your life away I will put you in prison myself.”  I suspect that line was supposed to be further evidence that Adam is evil. I take it as evidence of Adam being a good parent. Adam has often risked JR’s hate in order to do what’s right as a parent. And what’s evil about that?

 

I hate how when Greenlee tells her life history she leaves out Leo.

 

Anyone else enjoy the big surprise this week? I am referring to the startling revelation that PVH has double rooms! In all my decades of watching I do not recall seeing a shared room before.  Hayley and Mateo once shared a room in the ER but that’s been it as far as I know.

 

Will this week’s spoilers hold more startling revelations? Let’s see:

 

Kendall and Greenlee would not be true PV sisters without a few secrets between them.

 

Kendall and Greg decide that their secret will remain a secret.

 

I understand how Greg can actually believe it will stay a secret. On the other hand, Kendall has lived in PV long enough to know that is never going to happen.

 

Greens continues to believe that there is a Maddening secret. Josh feeds Greenlee’s paranoia by telling her that all samples were destroyed during the blackout.

 

Josh really enjoys toying with people doesn’t he?  I bet he enjoys it almost as much as he enjoyed pulling the wings off insects when he was a child.

 

Greg tells Josh to not discuss what happened at the clinic during the blackout with anyone.

 

“And if you don’t do as I say Joshua I will send you to live with your moth.. I mean I will send you to your room.”  Does Josh even have a room? Where do these people live?

 

 Kendall confesses her love for Zach to Greenlee.

 

Anyone want to bet that soon everyone in PV will know that Kendall loves Zach except Zach?

 

Kendall’s close moment with her sister ends when she finds out that Greens lied about Zach’s visit.

 

Kendall lasted longer than I did. My close moments with Greenlee ended when she fell in love with Ryan. Have I mentioned that I hate the Laverys?

 

Determined to uncover Kendall’s secret, Greenlee turns to David for help.

 

Of course she does because everyone forgets how much they loathe David when they need help. After he helps, her will Greens invite David for Thanksgiving dinner or even for lunch?  Yeah right.

 

There are more secrets over at the Chandler mansion.

 

JR stops the police from questioning Babe.

 

Because she doesn’t have an attorney present? Or because in PV nothing involving the justice system has to make any sense?

 

Babe pretends to be grateful to JR for his actions on her behalf. She later tells him that she still loves him. They kiss.

 

It’s not like it’s the first time Babe has kissed a drunk who hasn’t brushed his teeth.

 

JR opens up to Babe. Babe rushes to tell her mother that her plan is working.

 

Nothing like another Concubine Conspiracy to keep me tuning in to AMC every day.

 

Krystal gives unsolicited parenting advice to Adam.

 

And then Adam tells Krystal that JR is too old to start trading sex for good grades.

 

JR invites Babe to Thanksgiving dinner at the mansion.

 

Wouldn’t it be great if JR were playing Babe into thinking she was playing him?

 

JR also invites Di to Thanksgiving dinner as part of his nefarious plans for her.

 

Do JR’s plans include enticing Di into a little game of hide the sausage stuffing?

 

Oh my goodness, there are more lies over at PVH!

 

Derek tells Amanda that Babe confessed to being the driver. Amanda then insists that she saw Babe behind the wheel.

 

Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it make more sense to question Amanda about her accident memories before telling her Babe confessed?

 

JR visits Amanda and tells her to stick to her story about Babe being the driver.

 

If I were Amanda, and thank the gods I am not, I would expect JR to give me about 100K reasons to stick with my story.

 

Amanda tells Jamie that the night of the fire she was trying to be Babe’s BFF again. Jamie does not believe her.

 

“Oh but Jamie, look. See? I am not wearing my lying panties am I?”

 

Jamie thinks Amanda set the fire at the Roadside.

 

Whoa! This week’s startling revelation is that Jamie thinks.

 

Janet arrives from another planet to visit Amanda. Jamie wastes no time in telling Janet that he does not love her daughter. Janet wastes no time in taking out her crowbar.

 

OK, I made the last sentence up. Unfortunately.

 

I have not saved the best for last. I have saved the Laverys.

 

Jack believes the red herring, I mean Jonathan, set the fire.

 

Jack may be wrong about this particular thing but if he had a paypal account set up to fund his destroying the Laverys cause, I would be contributing.

Jonathan tells Ryan he did not set the fire.

 

This would be almost OK, since it is the truth, except that we know Ryan will be getting way too much self-righteous mileage from Jack’s “persecution” of Jonathan.

 

Jonathan and Livia meet with the DA. The DA decides there is not enough evidence to charge Jonathan.

 

How about charging the DA with incompetence?

 

The friction between Erin and Aidan continues.

 

Not too long, I guess, before they will be experiencing some horizontal friction. Want to bet they have sex before Kendall and Zach do? Sometimes life in the Valley is just not fair.

 

Erica gets it into her head that she can get Jack and Julia to make peace with Ryan.

 

Oh, Erica, you are supposed to inject the Botox, not sniff it.

 

Oh those AMC actors.

 

Eden Riegel returns to PV as Bianca for Christmas. And Binky is bringing Miranda with her.

 

For many AMC viewers, myself included, Christmas just came early.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate

 

 

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Mon, Nov. 7th, 2005, 11:02 am

 

For the week of Nov 7, 2005

This week another reason for wanting to live in Pine Valley presented itself. In Pine Valley DVR’s never implode. Mine did this week forcing me to sit through all 5 episodes today on SOAPNET. Sympathy, I want sympathy and I want it now.

 

SOAPNET surprised me by not doing a tie in with the Weather Channel report called “Hell Freezing Over and Its Impact on Global Warming” during AMC.

 

Why would AMC viewers have been interested? Because our very own Ryan Lavery caused Hell to freeze. How? By merely saying these words to Kendall:

 

“It’s not your fault. It’s completely my fault.”

 

Wow, I guess time in Canada really did change Ryan after all.

 

If only. True he hasn’t threatened to deck anyone or destroyed any hotel rooms. (Although I do think the Pine Cone should collect a damage deposit from the Laverys, don’t you?) Still, he doesn’t quite get that Greenlee might not see things the same way he does. Especially concerning Jonathan.

 

Did Ryan really think that after hearing him say, “Jonathan, let Erin out of the closet and put her on the phone, please” that there was any way Greens would believe that Jonathan was no longer dangerous?

 

Clearly Jonathan has not lost his proclivity for trapping women in small enclosed spaces.

 

Even more clearly Jonathan needs a speech therapist to help with his speech aphasia. The Careys have been doing fine murdering language in PV without Jonathan’s help.

 

In his confusion Jonathan really did say something funny. “Good people don’t go to jail.” Jonathan. Jonathan. This is PV, where it is more accurate to say, “Bad people don’t go to jail.”

 

I just pray there are no upcoming scenes featuring Lily, Stuart and Jonathan having a conversation. Then I will have no choice but to shoot myself.

 

Speaking of shooting oneself, there is one way TPTB could make this whole Jonathan story bearable for me. If it turns out this is their homage to David Cross’ guest appearance on the now defunct Just Shoot Me. Mr. Cross played brain-damaged Donnie. Only problem was that Donnie was not really brain damaged. He just enjoyed the manipulating perks of not being held responsible for his actions.

 

Now, if Jonathan is faking his brain damage and playing Ryan and Erin, then I am there.

 

(Speaking of Erin when we first saw her didn’t she have a personality?  She better be careful or we won’t be able to tell her apart from Anita Santos.)

 

I may not be thrilled that Jonathan is back, but I do not think he is the arsonist.  Jonathan is merely the first red herring. Of course, fire-by-space-heater coupled with Greens almost being charcoal will have everyone looking in Jonathan’s direction. However whoever set the fire came in through the back of that bar. The arsonist had no way of knowing that Kendall and Greens were the only ones in the bar. Far more likely that Babe was the target. And who wants to see Babe dead?  OK, that’s too broad a question. Who, recently, has a good reason for wanting Babe dead? Amanda seems likely, but not probable. Much more likely it was Janet.

 

Oh goody another chance to see Babe portrayed as a victim. Never can get too much of that.

 

It seems JR cannot get too much alcohol. While I don’t think getting drunk solves anything in the long run, I don’t think it necessarily makes him evil. Or as evil as I am supposed to think he is.

 

I, myself, came close to getting drunk during my AMC marathon. Not really, only because I don’t drink, but if I had taken a shot each time Julia said she had been in the WPP for nine, count ‘em, NINE years, I would have been totally bombed by the end of Wednesday’s episode. I had never realized how often she said that until I saw a week’s worth of AMC in one sitting.

 

Julia is a bit obsessive about that isn’t she? It’s a good thing Zach turned her down because did we really need this bit of dialogue? “Oh, Zach you are sooo big. Have you ever measured it?”” No, Julia, because I am secure in my manhood but Maria thought it was around nine inches.” “ Nine. Nine! Nine? Did you know that I was in the WPP for NINE years?”

What we saw between Zach and Julia was bad enough.  It was downright scary.

 

I get that Julia feels dead inside. However that flat affect coupled with monotone line delivery is making it very difficult for me to feel anything while watching her. And I know her history. It must be even worse for newer viewers who have no Julia memories, fond or otherwise. 

 

After watching Julia hit on Zach, we saw Di hitting on Tad. The latter was not scary, just rather pathetic. Pathetic because Di is choosing Tad over David. I could accept someone choosing Zach over David. Maybe. I could see someone who really does not appreciate a tortured male choosing Aidan over David. Why, oh, why would anyone choose Tad over David?

 

David, himself, summed up perfectly why I prefer him to Tad (or Ryan or Jamie ), “I don’t pretend to be someone I am not.” David is one of the most introspective characters on AMC. He knows who he is. He does not always like who he is, but he doesn’t deny the truth about himself, either. And few things are sexier than that.

 

Sigh.

 

And now for the non sequitur portion of this week’s column.

 

You are at the top of your class.  Yeah, right. The only way Jamie could be at the top of his class is by being the only one in his class. And having all his professors grade on the curve.

 

Di’s taste in men may be pathetic but I do admire how she quickly assembled a new wardrobe. There doesn’t seem to be a single Di O’ the Wisp outfit in her closet these days.

 

Ryan probably would not have felt as much pain if he had been wearing his clown nose when Jack punched him.

 

“We’d all be better off if people stayed dead.”  I love Pine Valley because someone, JR, can say that and no one, Kendall, bats an eye.

 

Did Sam ask Brooke to give Julia an allowance? How else is she getting money these days?

 

There is a way that Julia could get big bucks. How you may ask? She could sue her pharmacy. Why you may ask?  Well, they clearly have given her testosterone patches instead of birth control patches.

 

I felt badly for Harold when Amanda said, “I hate dogs”.  Ahh, Harold. Now there is a character who definitely should come back from the dead.

 

“If I wanted to, I would nail Di.”  No surprise there, JR. We have known that since your first scene together.

 

“Every time I try to love someone, I screw it up.”  Zach said it, but it could just as easily been said by Kendall. Which is why they will be wonderful together. Wonderful until they screw it up of course. But hey, that’s soaps..

 

Which leads me to JR asking Kendall if there will be a happy ending. Of course not, this is Pine Valley.

 

And finally, I have one question of my own: Do Amanda’s “doctor panties” come with malpractice insurance?

 

And now to the spoilers.

 

It’s Captain Dynamite Kiddo to the rescue.

 

Stupidly, Greenlee tries to put out the fire. She discovers fanning the flames was not a good idea and becomes trapped in the fire herself.

 

I realize this is a soap and not real life. Really I do. However, doesn’t it seem totally ridiculous that Greens and Kendall would not run back down the stairs and dial 911 on their cells while fleeing the bar?

 

Kendall refuses to leave Greenlee alone in the fire.

 

A noble sentiment but wouldn’t it be more helpful if Kendall dialed 9ll on her cell phone? Martyrdom is one thing; stupid martyrdom is quite another.

 

Ryan arrives and soon realizes Kendall and Greens are trapped. He pauses, thinking, “Hmmm, when I left town wasn’t this a one story building?”  And then, with no thought to his personal safety, he charges in to save the women folk.

 

Ryan as hero and he has not even been back a month. What a surprise. What would be a pleasant surprise? If Ryan set the fire so he could regain his hero status.

 

Ryan picks up Greenlee and heads out. She screams at him to stop and save Kendall. After all she is carrying his baby. Ryan pauses to think, “Hmmm… I don’t remember having sex with Kendall before I left. And didn’t I have a vasectomy before I left town? I know I never used the word vasectomy but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have one.” Still puzzled Ryan drops Greens on her head and picks up Kendall.

 

OK. OK. He probably doesn’t drop Greens on her head. 

 

Ryan goes back into the fire and rescues Greenlee. And then he goes back in and rescues the kittens he heard mewing in the corner. And then he goes back in and rescues the owner’s favorite pool cue.

 

And then he asks the writers, “Am I redeemed yet? ‘Cause I sure am getting tired of running back into that burning building.”

 

Greenlee is concerned that Ryan will not take the news of impending fatherhood very well. She is afraid he will leave town.

 

And I am afraid he won’t leave town. Ever again.

 

Ryan promises to always be there for the baby.

“In fact to prove it to you Greenlee, I am going out and buying him his very first clown nose!”

 

Kendall tells Greenlee that she needs to reconcile with Ryan.

 

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was Kendall that Ryan dropped on her head.

 

While arguing about their children, Erica tells Jack that Kendall is the Laverys surrogate.

 

“Please, Erica, for the love of God, please tell me you mean surrogate as in surrogate court.” “ Well, no, you silly, I mean surrogate as in carrying their baby.” “You mean to tell me that your daughter is helping inflict another generation of Laverys on to the world and you didn’t tell me?”

 

Zach comes to visit Kendall. He tells his unconscious wife that he loves her.

 

Sigh. Shall we start a pool on how long it takes Zach to tell a conscious Kendall that he loves her? Three months, six months?  While she’s giving birth?

 

Greenlee tells a now awake Kendall that Zach never came to the hospital.

 

Now here is the Greenlee I enjoy. The “I’m a bitch, that’s what I do”  Greenlee.

 

It’s a fairly rough night throughout the Valley.

 

JR did not hit a speed bump or Bambi, he hit a skunk. Yes, he hit Amanda with his car.

 

And yet we are supposed to think this is a bad thing.

 

Just as Derek is about to arrest JR for a DUI and skunk hitting, Babe says she was driving the car.

 

That girl’s heart is just as wide as all get out, isn’t it?

 

Later Babe tells JR that he was driving the car and that she lied to protect him. He doesn’t believe her.

 

I don’t know why JR does not believe Babe. It’s not like she lied to him before. He must just be evil.

 

JR truly does not remember the accident. Later his memories become more clear. He realizes the horrible truth.

 

That he is now indebted to Babe.

 

Krystal blackmails Adam with the truth about the accident.

 

I think this was covered in their marriage vows wasn’t it? To love, honor and blackmail?

 

Meanwhile Jonathan remains on the loose.

 

Jonathan encounters Lily. Jonathan tells Lily he is sorry about what he did to her. Lily retreats deep into herself.

 

Poor Lily. They probably don’t cover people returning from the dead in her life skills class. Although it probably would be a good idea to add it to the PV curriculum.

 

Aidan is none too pleased to find out that yet another presumed dead Lavery is alive. Being the super private spotted dick that he is, Aidan finds Jonathan. Aidan decides to do the best thing, call the police. Erin has different ideas and cold cocks Aidan.

 

It’s OK because she did to protect a Lavery. A poor misunderstood Lavery. Pine Valley’s new First Family.

 

Lily advises Jack not to call the police about Jonathan.

 

I know you love your daughter, Jack, but perhaps taking her advice in this situation is not the best idea.

 

Erica is so terrified when she sees Jonathan she almost looks her age. 

 

And that’s pretty damn terrified.

 

Jonathan tells Erica he wants a New Beginning (did you know that is the name of Erica’s new show?)

 

At first Erica refuses and then she thinks, “Hmmm. I have already been reduced to doing makeovers at the local mall. A new beginning for a multiple murderer and woman abuser might be just the thing my new show, called New Beginnings, needs.”

 

Jack wants Jonathan sent to prison. Sam cannot wait that long. He steals a gun and goes after Jonathan.

 

On the bright side, we can hope Jonathan kills Sam in self-defense.

 

Ryan and Erin try to convince people that Jonathan’s bad behavior was caused by a brain tumor.

 

Well, that excuse did work for Liza Colby, why not Jonathan?

 

Other stuff happens, too.

 

Zach and Di confess that they love Kendall and Tad, respectively. This being Pine Valley, Zach and Di fall into a passionate kiss.

 

I must say that AMC has upped it’s kissing frequency quite a bit over the past few weeks. If only the kisses were between people who should be kissing-like Zach and Kendall.

 

Zach and Di decide that one kiss is all that will happen since they love other people.

 

Zach gets extra points for not making fun of Di for loving Tad.

 

Di informs Del that she is never leaving PV.

 

Would that she would end that scene by saying, “so you can run along now. And leave my kidney in the refrigerator on the way out, please.”

 

Josh searches his father’s office and finds a startling secret.

 

Notes saying that the first actor to play Josh had more personality? Or merely the information that it is not Greenlee and Ryan’s baby Kendall is carrying?

 

Greg is relieved that Josh did not find everything he has hidden.

 

His secret stash of red licorice whips?

 

Di and Julia’s friendship deepens.

 

They are becoming quite the regulars at the Blue Angel aren’t they?

 

Here’s to another week in theValley.

 

Kate
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Sun, Oct. 30th, 2005, 10:56 am

For the week of Oct 30

 

I am almost in a good mood while typing this. There is a frisky air in the city where I live. Not because of Halloween, which is a fine holiday, but because this week Dia de Los Muertos is celebrated. The stores are stocked with sugar skulls. People construct altars in their homes to honor dead loved ones. Families picnic on graves. It all culminates next weekend with the Dia de Los Muertos Celebration and Marigold Parade.  While treating death with a fiesta sounds odd or even disrespectful to some, to me it seems a very healthy approach to death. Life and death are eternally intertwined so why not have a holiday that honors the dead with celebration?

 

And why am I talking about this in an AMC column? Because I do not know how anyone in Pine Valley could have any kind of attitude towards death that would even approach any parameters of healthy.

 

Can you imagine trying to be a grief counselor in Pine Valley? Counseling JR through his mother’s death and then three years later, counseling him through it again because someone pretended to be his not dead mother? Helping Greenlee through her second widowhood only to thing have to help her later with her anger because the SOB was only pretending to be dead?

 

No wonder Pine Valley citizens tend to be self-centered, whiny and immature.

 

Julia certainly has been whining since she returned from the Witness Protection Program, which as she described that while not being officially death was pretty close to being buried alive. I have had no sympathy for her until this week. I felt almost sorry for her when she was hearing the voices from her past life in her head. Yes, she came back to “life” but it is a life quite different from the one she imagined. Gone is her beloved brother-in-law Edmund. And this time he is really dead. No happy returns for Eddie this time. And how dead Noah is depends on contract negotiations. Maria is in California, Rosa is probably still in Egypt, and Anita is barely a blip on the PV radar, so Julia cannot hang out with her sisters. Once Julia sees fauxIsabella she is not going to want to hang out with Mami either. Let’s face it, Sam is the kind of nephew that could make a person beg to be let back into the WPP. And with Mateo living in California, Julia is going to have pay strangers for pedicures. No wonder she is so crabby.

 

Ryan’s return from the dead is definitely making me crabby. He is still an arrogant, self-centered lip licker. He really is taking no responsibility for the damage both his death and his resurrection have caused. Greenlee’s needs are no more important to him now than before he left. He cannot even grant her simple request to be left alone. He is back on his Lavery high horse with Zach, who is too much of a gentleman to ask for his travel advance back. And, as always,  Ryan wants Kendall around when he needs her and treats her with disdain when he doesn’t.

 

“Who knew Kendall would become Pine Valley’s favorite resident?” Did anyone think Ryan sounded more than just a little bit jealous when he said that?  Wait until he finds out Kendall is also the Patron Saint of the Disenfranchised Embryo. It’s not going to be pretty. No matter who the writers finally decide the little tyke’s biological parents are.

 

Now that Di has come clean about not being JR’s biological parent she can be herself. Whoever that turns out to be. Di has already turned out to have much better hair than DiDixie.  And much more expertise with make-up.  She probably even stopped for a Brazilian on the way over to Tad’s. This chick is just one revelation after another.

 

Whatever her final transformation turns out to be, she will fit right in with the rest of Pine Valley. Her believing Julia’s line, “If you run now, you don’t deserve the life you stole,” proves she has the keen grasp of situational ethics necessary to survive in PV.

 

Dressing well is also a requirement to surviving in Pine Valley, hence the return of

 

All My Schmattes

 

What is going on with the wardrobe department at AMC? Are they smoking too much crack or not enough? Pine Valley used to be sartorially splendid, now it is sartorially sad.

 

Why was Greenlee wearing a top that was recycled from one of Kate Martin’s old tablecloths? “Oh, Ruth, don’t you think these roosters will look so cute on Sundays when I serve my famous coffee cake?”

 

True, Livia looked better this week, which is not to say she looked as good as she could.  Get that a woman the right size bra and a top that doesn’t bunch up in the front. She is, after all, supposed to be a successful lawyer. Dress her like one.

 

I know I was supposed to be happy that Julia was getting dressed up and getting out. Yet when she came down the stairs in that sequined feathered thing, my first thought was, “Did Eddie Izzard have a garage sale?”

 

And then we have Erica. Erica who usually looks good, albeit a bit overdressed at most times. I was puzzled this week by her milkmaid outfit made from gold splashed chiffon. Are AMC budgets so tight that they have been reduced to using costumes from the road company of The Sound of Music? 

 

Between the dress and her hair in the style usually reserved for Erica-as-a-teenager flashbacks, I kept expecting Erica to burst into “I am Sixteen, Going on Seventeen” at any moment.  (Who knows? Maybe we will see that on the next episode of New Beginnings. Did you know Erica has a new show?)

 

And for the non-sequitur portion of the program.

 

I loved the nonchalance Zach showed while playing with the butterfly cocoon. I would have loved it even more had he picked up Ryan’s clown nose and juggled both of them while talking with Greenlee.

 

“No good deed goes unpunished.”  When Krystal said that to babydoll I finally realized I have misunderstood Krystal. Her lack of doing good deeds isn’t because she doesn’t want to do them, it’s because she’s afraid of being punished.  Maybe this will teach me not to be so quick to judge the next set of grifters that come to PV.

 

Speaking of grifters, where is Del living now that Di has moved to Wildwind?

 

Speaking of living quarters, where do Greg and Josh live? Over the clinic? With Hazel?  In the old Jake/Mia/Liza loft? In the mausoleum at Wildwind?

 

 

The Stuart/Lily scene was sort of cute, but does Stuart seem to be getting slower as time goes by? This Stuart seems much more dim than the one who married a dying Cindy and then married a very sexually driven Marion. (Where is Marion anyway?)  Is it too cruel to wonder if Stuart and Lily will go trick-or-treating together dressed as The Scarecrow and Glinda-the-Good-Witch from the Wizard of OZ?  (Lily couldn’t go as Dorothy because of those darn red shoes.)

 

“You are a mean vindictive little brat.” Ahh, there is nothing like step-motherly love is there? No wonder Erica doesn’t like Greenlee, since there is only room for one mean vindictive little brat in town and Erica got there first.

 

Although Josh described Erica a bit differently, “She’s a selfish, spoiled diva.” Is Josh playing Erica or playing Greg?  And could we please see Josh doing something, anything, that gives us some true insight into him, so I don’t have to remind myself who he is each time he appears?

 

Doesn’t Amanda planning on drugging Jamie seem like perfect karmic payback for Jamie having drugged the nanny?

 

Wasn’t Jonathan supposed to be in rehab for at least a month after surgery?  If his brain is still re-booting, how did he figure out how to lock Erin in the closet, look up Greenlee’s number in a different country, and dial the phone? Or is he now playing brain damaged for his own nefarious purposes?

 

“Would you rather be the slut bleeding him dry?” “You are a tragic case of arrested development.” These were good lines, impeccably delivered by Brooke and David. Too bad they were not delivered in storylines centered around them.

 

Do the Fryes still live in Pine Valley? Yes, we saw Livia for 30 seconds, but what about Dani and nuDerek?

 

It wasn’t a great week in Pine Valley, but it was worth it just for the line,

 

“Greenlee? Surprise! It’s me Jonathan.”

 

The scene would have been even more satisfying if Greenlee had reached into the desk, pulled out a gun, shot Ryan in the head and then replied,

 

“Jonathan? Surprise! This time Ryan’s really dead.”

 

What surprises will this week’s spoilers hold? Let’s see:

 

 

Why not start with some Josh-ing around?

 

Babe tells Josh her fears about Amanda’s plans for Jamie. Josh attempts to get Babe to stop talking by sticking his tongue in her mouth.

 

Little does Josh know Babe is a multi-tasker. She has lots of experience doing other things while her mouth is full. Checking a guy’s driver’s license is just one example.

 

 

Once again Erica tells Josh to stay away from Babe.

 

“Why? Is she my sister, too?”

 

Josh refuses to do as Erica says.

 

“Just because you’re my moth- I mean my boss-doesn’t mean you can control my personal life.”

 

Josh advises Babe to concentrate on her own life. How Amanda and Jamie live their lives really shouldn’t concern her.

 

“But you don’t understand, Josh, I really do want to be the slut who is bleeding Jamie dry.”

 

 

Babe does not take Josh’s advice and sets out to save Jamie from Amanda.

 

Babe tells Jamie about Amanda’s plan to drug him so he will marry her. Jamie believes Babe and throws Amanda out.

 

But don’t they understand, Amanda is doing this all for love. Love of money, maybe, but it’s still love.

 

Amanda is determined to get revenge on Babe.

 

Ordinarily I would hate another revenge plot. However if Amanda turns out to be half as creative as her mother at getting revenge, it could be fun. Especially if what brings Janet to town is the desire to help her daughter succeed.

 

Jamie and Aidan talk about what a horrible person Amanda is.

 

Oh dear, this can only mean one thing: there is some spotted dick in Amanda’s future.

 

Does Di’s future include more prison time?

 

Palmer tells Derek to arrest Di for fraud.

 

I do hope Palmer is not wearing that dreadful brown suit while talking with Derek. It has been much too long since we have seen Palmer in his black leather jacket and jeans.

 

Tad does not help Di at all, but David comes through for her. David tells her to fight for what she wants.

 

And yet somehow, we know at the end of all this, Tad will eventually be Di’s hero and David merely gum on the bottom of her shoe. Maybe someone should clue Di into the fact that the only time Dixie was interesting was when she was with David.

 

It all comes down to whether or not JR wants to press charges against Di. That pressure only exacerbates JR’s drinking problem.

 

Only in Pine Valley would it come down to JR. In the real world, people would be lining up with valid charges of fraud against Di.  And more than one aiding and abetting charge against Del, too. And as loathe as I am to admit it, David aided and abetted also.

 

And just when JR thinks things cannot get worse, Kendall tells him she is in love with Zach while pregnant with the Lavery spawn.

 

At least JR can drink his way through this one, poor Kendall has to deal with all this while sober.

 

JR tells Kendall he is still her friend, despite how complicated her life is.

 

And the best thing about this? Neither of them will use the phrase “BFF.”

 

JR keeps drinking and gets in the car with Lil A and Babe. Bad idea since he hits someone with his car.

 

The fact that it’s not Ryan who gets hit just depresses the hell out of me.

 

Ryan may not be the victim of a hit and run, but his life is not all roses and clown noses, either.

 

Greenlee’s anger knows no bounds when she realizes it really is Jonathan calling from Canada.

 

Why, did he call collect?

 

Greenlee signs the divorce papers and demands that Ryan do the same.

 

Well, Ryan did say he would do whatever it took to make Greenlee happy.

 

Ryan is pretty bummed about the divorce.

 

The real reason he is unhappy is because Greens likes Kendall better than she likes him. Ryan can just not figure out how that happened.

 

Ryan and Julia host their own pity party at a bar.

 

Well, this should be less than fun. Although perhaps they will realize how much they have in common besides being FF material. At the very least perhaps Ryan will be able to get her a job as a bouncer at the fight club.

 

And why is Julia so down?

 

Zach rejects Julia’s clumsy attempts at seduction.

 

While watching that very painful scene it dawned on me that I had been wrong about one of Julia’s WPP jobs. When she said she had been a store greeter, I thought she meant at Walmart. The way she approached Zach, I realized it was far more likely she had been the greeter at an S&M store probably called something like The Marquis de Suede.

 

Julia gets really snarky about Kendall and Zach throws her out.

 

Not that Zach is in love or anything. It’s just that Julia was rude by insulting the person who holds the casino gaming license.

 

Julia is not the only reason Zach has a busy week.

 

Zach tells Greenlee that she should tell Ryan about the baby. Why? Because he regrets not knowing about Ethan. Zach’s thinks maybe he would have been a better father had he known about Ethan sooner.

 

Although it is not easy being a front-burnered father with a back-burnered son.

 

The point of the above conversation is so that Ethan could overhear it. Ethan then tells Greenlee that a child needs a father.

 

“But Ethan, you don’t understand, if Ryan knows he is the baby’s father he will force the poor child to wear a clown nose!!” “Oh Greenlee, I am so sorry, I didn’t realize you had valid reasons. A clown nose? Bloody hell, that’s even worse than the Cambias curse!”

 

We bid fond farewell to Nova Scotia as Erin and Jonathan arrive in Pine Valley.

 

Erin loses track of Jonathan and Ryan tries to find him.

 

I think the rule should be “brain tumor out, GPS device in” don’t you agree?

 

Greenlee sees Jonathan and heads in the other direction.

 

Towards Nova Scotia?

 

Let’s end the column with my favorite couple, the Slaters

 

It’s hard to tell who is more upset: Kendall because she saw Zach kissing Julia or Zach because he saw Kendall kissing JR?

 

My answer?  I am more upset than either of them because I did not get to see Zach and Kendall  kissing each other.

 

Kendall tells Zach she wants a divorce.

 

Oh my goodness, it is true love after all!

 

Oh, those AMC actors:

 

Rebecca Budig has now officially announced (http://www.rebeccabudig.org/newsletter.htm) that she has left AMC.

 

Will Greenlee leave town alive? Or dead? Or in a coma? It all depends on whose child Kendall is really carrying. Is Ryan really the father? More importantly, is Greenlee really the mother?

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley.

 

Kate
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Sun, Oct. 23rd, 2005, 10:53 am

For the week of Oct 23

I am exhausted. I did not get home until 1 a.m. this morning. What had already been a fairly difficult Town Council meeting here in Pine Valley turned into a debacle just before we were to adjourn.  We had spent hours working on official guidelines for holiday decorating since, out of consideration for Lily Montgomery, red is no longer an option. (Special thanks to Mrs. Chance who has undertaken the task of making a new any color but red suit for Santa to wear in the holiday parade.)

 

Suddenly Erica Kane announced she had something that she needed the council to consider right away. Needless to say when Erica tosses her hair and rubs her thighs, few can resist.

 

What did Erica want? She wanted the receptionist at the Chamber of Commerce to begin answering the phone with, “Hello and welcome to Pine Valley, the home of New Beginnings! (Did you know that Erica has a new show?)

 

Then Krystal Carey Chandler, trying to exercise her power as the current Mrs. Chandler, wanted her new business advertised as well. Fortunately, “Hello and welcome to Pine Valley, where hummers are always half-price on Thursdays “ did not even get enough support for a vote.

 

Gotta love Myrtle Fargate for suggesting, “Hello and welcome to Pine Valley, you liar, liar pants on fire” since anyone who shows up in Pine Valley these days turns out to be lying about something.

 

Head Councilman Alfred Vanderpoole finally wrestled control of the meeting away from the floor and announced that all discussion of a new Chamber of Commerce greeting would be tabled until the January meeting. For now, the receptionist will continue to answer the phone, “Welcome to Pine Valley, clown nose capital of the world.”

 

I really could not help myself but I kept thinking how great it would have been if everyone at Ryan’s memorial service had decided to honor him by wearing a clown nose.

 

I promise to try and get control of my almost overwhelming desire to do a column comprised of nothing but bad clown nose jokes.

 

Taking a deep breath…..

 

This week on AMC was positively soapy and it was about time.

 

Nothing like a heartfelt confession that breaks hearts to get the tears flowing.  Di’s whole body seemed to shake as she told the truth, but then it was an earthquake she was unleashing on Dixie’s family. I may not have cared for Dixie, but clearly they all loved her.

 

JR just broke my heart. Jacob Young has certainly made JR his own. I was very critical of him when he first began so must now give him credit for expanding his acting range considerably over the past year.  He is not perfect every day but at least he tries, which is more than can be said for a few others on the AMC canvas.

 

I tried looking around the Chandler living room with JR’s eyes and only saw people who had betrayed him in one way or another. Even my dear Palmer too often sees him as Adam’s son first and his grandnephew second. How incredibly lonely JR must have felt.

 

And how incredibly right Adam felt. I don’t blame him. He tried to prevent the pain that is ripping JR to shreds right now. Adam is entitled to his happy dance, although doing it in front of JR is not exactly sensitive, is it?

 

Why do I think Babe’s outward prayer “God help them all” was followed by an inward “and God please help me figure out how to work this to my advantage”? Because she is Babe, that’s why.

 

And Krystal is Krystal, unfortunately. When she said JR had a “terrible excuse for a heart”, I was saying very loudly, “at least he never let anyone think their child was dead.”  Maybe if Krystal stopped lecturing everyone, especially Adam, about their bad behavior I could feel kinder towards her. Naw, probably not.

 

I don’t feel kindly towards Del, either. Actually I do not feel anything towards him. Although it was sort of amusing watching him trying to cover his rear by acting shocked about Di. Now that his meal ticket has been cancelled he can head back to Crow Hollow.

 

Opal may miss club hopping with Del, but not for long.  She will be too busy fulfilling her duties as PV’s new official Slapper. That was some wallop she Di-livered wasn’t it? The real Isabella Santos would be proud.

 

I am surprised there wasn’t more slapping in PV last week, given all the truths that were revealed.

 

It was great to watch Greenlee finally see who Ryan really is—a self-centered ass who was not fit to lick Leo’s shoes let alone marry his widow. If only she had kept, as a memento of Leo, the axe they used to demolish Ryan’s apartment. Why? Then she could have used it to finish what Ryan’s vasectomy only started.

 

How noble of Ryan to return from the dead so Greens could have some peace. It would have been just a little more noble of course, if he had told her the whole truth before getting a little piece himself.

 

And it would have been courteous of Ryan to let Zach know he was planning on coming back. Again I ask, aren’t there etiquette rules for returning from the dead?  I would think in PV they would be part of the package handed out by the Welcome Wagon.

 

Zach, oh, Zach. He is in trouble now. Not because Kendall is angry with him. Not because eventually everyone in PV will blame him, and not Ryan, for Ryan’s faux death. Not because he likely broke the clinic’s generator, leading to a pregnancy surrogacy twist for his wife.  Nope, he is in trouble because he is clearly smitten with Kendall. And just what is he going to do about that? 

 

 Non-sequiturs now coming your way

 

One good thing about Di admitting to being merely Di, she can stop bleaching her hair. With darker hair she can stop looking like a fragile Di O’the Wisp.

 

“I do not want my daughter alone with Ryan.”  When Jack is right, he is right. Of course I don’t want anyone alone with Ryan, unless it’s Janet with a crowbar.

 

Here is one of the many things I do not understand. Jonathan’s behavior was caused by a brain tumor so we are to believe that Ryan is not genetically programmed to be violent, therefore he won’t ever be violent again? What then accounts for Braden, the rapist Lavery brother?  Oh I know, Braden must have had an undiagnosed brain tumor.  That explains it all. (Remember when soaps used to have medical advisors? Those were the days, eh?)

 

I love David. David rocks in every scene he is in.  I want David. I want David in a good story now. Don’t mess with me, you never know, I might have an undiagnosed brain tumor myself.

 

“Are you afraid of the Dragon’s crew?”  I had to replay this line a few times because I could have sworn Jamie said, “Are you afraid of the Dragon’s screw?”  And I thought it was really inappropriate for Jamie to be asking his stepmother about her sex life.

 

“Ryan hated hypocrites.” At last we were given a real clue to as why deep down, Ryan hates himself.

 

“Don’t beg. You are much hotter when you demand.” This JR line to Kendall gave us a clue about what makes him hot deep down, a woman in control. Which explains his obvious confused feelings towards the woman he used to call “Mom.”

 

JR’s feelings were all out of control as he roamed the streets looking for a way to avenge Kendall’s hurt feelings and his. How did I feel about him expressing these feeling by beating Ryan to a pulp? I felt at long last Ryan was in the right place at the right time.

 

What feelings, in control or out, will this week’s spoiler cause? Let’s see:

 

Turns out Di was right, living Dixie’s life was better than living hers:

 

Adam thinks Di should be arrested for fraud and tries to convince JR to give Derek a call.

 

It seems to me that Adam might have better luck convincing Alfred Vanderpoole to have Di arrested. After all, Di committed fraud when she re-opened Dixie’s accounts.

 

Zach tells Di that he is sympathetic about her plight.

 

Would that be the plight of  having everyone in PV hate her or the plight of wondering what happens now that she is no longer quite on the front burner?

 

Julia tries to convince Di to stick around Pine Valley and try to get back the life she lost.

 

Would Julia be saying that if Di had betrayed her family the way she betrayed Dixie’s loved ones? As I recall the Santos clan is not the most forgiving family in town.  If she had betrayed them, there would have been more than one slap coming Di’s way.

 

JR and Jamie tell Di they will never forgive her.

 

But isn’t this what Di wanted? To have the boys together again, on the same page, walking the same line, compadres forever?  

 

Di decides to drop in on Tad.

Thus proving that not only is Di a liar and a con, she is a bit of a masochist also.

 

Di is not the only one affected by her revelation:

 

Babe and JR share a few drinks. Soon they are sharing a kiss.

 

I should hate this but I don’t. Mainly because I want Babe caught in her own trap. I want her to fall back in love with JR and have him not return her feelings. Or at least tell her that Kendall is a much better lover.

 

Babe refuses to have sex with JR.

 

Well, that’s a first, Babe turning down sex. Does she have an undiagnosed brain tumor or something?

 

Babe tells Krystal that she is afraid that JR will become even more evil, now that Di is not Dixie.

 

Babe really needs to learn that when a person is lied to and betrayed over and over again by those closest to him, sometimes that person gets a little grumpy.

 

It’s a hypocrite face-off as Babe and Tad argue about his forcing Di to tell the truth.

 

This is one fight where age pays off. Tad has had decades more experience than Babe in justifying his hypocritical actions. Compared to Tad, she really is just a Babe in the smug woods.

 

Babe does not fare any better with Brooke, who lets Babe know just how little use she has for her.

 

As little use as AMC seems to have for Brooke? (Which puts Brooke in good company, since they seem to have little use for David or Opal or Palmer or Livia or Derek or Simone, either.)

 

Brooke lends her support to Tad.

 

“Well, with all the people that come back from the dead in this town, including yourself, of course you believed she was Dixie.”

 

With Ryan back in town, no more butter tarts to make our dose of Laverys go down easier:

 

Ryan is saved when Julia stops JR from beating him.

 

If TPTB want me to like Julia they are going to have to stop her from doing stupid stuff like this.

 

Ryan tries to convince Kendall he is a changed man.

 

“I no longer think everything is your fault, just some things. The rest are your husband’s fault. Oh, and I no longer wear my clown nose when the invitation says black tie.”

 

Ryan has a talk with Livia about Jonathan’s options.

 

“I think really your best bet is for your entire family to move somewhere far away. A place where no one knows your name. And I swear I am not saying this just because Kate promised to stop making cracks about how I dress if I told you to leave town.”

 

Kendall tells Ryan to fight for Greenlee and tells Greenlee to forgive Ryan.

 

I do not care if it’s the hormones that are talking. Somebody gag Kendall until she starts making sense.

 

Ryan is getting Greenlee to soften up, when the phone rings and it’s Jonathan. He tells Greens how happy he is that soon they will all be one big happy totally fast forward-able family.

 

Even if Greenlee could overlook Ryan’s heinous behavior there is the question of her in-laws. Brain tumor or not, Jonathan falls far outside anyone’s definition of “kooky brother-in-law.” 

 

Jack’s anger about Ryan causes problems with Erica.

 

It should be the opposite shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t the fact that Erica is so blasé about Ryan behaving violently towards Greenlee be what is causing the marital discord?

 

Greenlee goes to see Ryan at the hospital.

 

Maybe if we clap our hands really hard, it will turn out Greenlee is going to see Ryan’s body at the morgue. (A girl can dream, can’t she?)

 

Now it’s time to check in with the Madden-ing crowd:

 

Kendall answers Green’s cliffhanger question: yes, she still wants to go through with the pregnancy.

 

After all, AMC is going to need something to get it through November and most likely February sweeps.

 

Greenlee makes Kendall pinky swear that she will never tell Ryan about the surrogacy.

 

Is the plan then to have everyone think Zach and Kendall gave Greenlee their baby to raise?  I think it makes much more sense to kill Ryan . That way they can be certain he never finds out. Plus, it would make me happy.

 

Once again Erica tells Kendall that the surrogacy is a mistake. She truly believes that in the end, Kendall will have a broken heart.

 

What does Erica expect Kendall to do, terminate the pregnancy? It is unlikely Kendall would do that, because of her own feelings of having been unwanted.  So then what does Erica expect to achieve by constantly haranguing Kendall about the situation?

 

Josh tells his father what he really thinks about his mother, or as we call her, Erica.

 

“Well, she is a generous boss, but demanding. I have never known a woman before who always dresses like she is going to cocktail party. I realize she is a narcissist but I feel strangely drawn to her. As you know I have always dated women younger than myself, and always have sex with girls much much younger, but Erica is so damn sexy. And she and her husband don’t have much screentime together so I am thinking…”

 

“Joshua, stop right there. You cannot, you must not, date your moth—I mean, Mrs. Montgomery!””

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate
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Sun, Oct. 16th, 2005, 11:24 am

For the week of Oct 16, 2005

Whew. This week’s AMC was such a vast improvement over the past few weeks that I am almost tempted to call it “good.” But what would it say about my personal strength of character if I did not resist temptation now and then?

 

While I cannot declare the overall week good, there were a few moments that held good promise for the future and some moments that were downright enjoyable.

 

Michael E. Knight did excellent work at making Tad look beaten down by the knowledge that he has not been romancing Dixie but rather her grifter half sister Di. Not only did Tad have to face, again, Dixie’s death but also had to acknowledge that he may not even be half as smart as he thinks he is.

 

The question is, will this be the situation that finally makes Tad grow up? When he looks at the hurt Di’s lies are going to inflict on JR, will Tad finally be able to acknowledge how deeply his own lies hurt the young man he insists he loves as much as Jamie? Or will he continue to think his lies were different because, well, because he is a Martin dammit and Di is not?

 

True I don’t envy Tad’s dilemma. Is Di’s secret really Tad’s truth to tell? On the other hand, the longer JR goes on believing the woman tucking him in every night is his mother, the more the truth will hurt when it comes out. Not just because of the lie itself but because once again Tad knew the truth and kept it from him. Plus JR will undoubtedly feel the fool when he realizes how many people knew what he did not. Tad, David, Del, Zach,Babe and Krystal today, ¾ of the town by next month. This is Pine Valley after all.

 

If JR learns the truth now, only one person he loves will have betrayed him, his half aunt Di. Thus his revenge plans, if any, can be focused, as they should be, solely on her.

 

If JR turns out to be the last on a long list to find out the truth, I won’t blame him if his revenge plans take a more scattershot approach.

 

As much as I hate the pain Di is eventually going to cause JR, and others, I thoroughly enjoyed Kelli Giddish’s performance in her scenes with Tad. Even before she realized Tad knew the truth, she conveyed the anxious shock of someone who has just gone through a violent encounter. And it was almost painful when it dawned on her that no matter how fast she tapped dance, Tad was not going to buy her act. For a moment there, I almost felt sorry for her.

 

And I do not even think she realizes how bad it is going to get for her. Not only will she lose Dixie’s appropriated life, she is going to have Del as an unemployed albatross around her neck.

 

Of course Opal does not mind having Del around, especially if it makes Palmer jealous. Which is the only reason I can think of to keep Del around at all.

 

I wish TPTB would think of reasons to keep Brooke around as more than filler at parties. Her rapport with Krystal and her sparks with Adam were delightful.  Isn’t it fun when everyone in a scene can act?

 

What else was good this week?  The continuing romantic pas de deux between Zach and Kendall was just, umm, lovely. And hot, too. Who would have thought that the simple toying with a sleeve could constitute foreplay? (Or, as Jamie says, “beforeplay”. Idiot.)

 

 Yes, I know, that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but not when Zach gives them to Kendall to play with. Then there is symbolism all over them, even if they are made of bubble gum.

 

Hopefully, more good will come now that Julia is not dragged down by the Dragon. She seemed almost awake during her scenes with Anita and the always smackable Sam.

 

A reader wrote and asked why haven’t I been harder on Julia? Well, I confess to having a little soft spot in my soap heart for her. Why? Years ago she revealed that when she was a teenager she made her younger brother Mateo paint her toenails. On a regular basis. Years later, as my loathing for Machoteo grew, I would picture him painting Julia’s toenails and just smile.

 

It was hard not to laugh though when Julia tried to brain Garret with a showerhead. There were heavy bottles of wine right there and she chose a showerhead?  Still both Di and Julia get points for bringing down the Dragon while dressed as if they were on their way to high tea.

 

(Shall we start a pool now on when Noah will be bopping back in to town?  Longtime soap viewers know that hearing the dead body was not seen is code for “the character will be back soon if we can get the actor for the right price.”)

 

Di and Julia really looked nice didn’t they, all things considered? The Fusion women looked great at the party. Even Krystal looked downright tasteful. The wardrobe people who are making these decisions cannot possibly be the same ones who are dressing Livia. I thought when I complained about the dress she wore to the wedding that would be it. But no, this week’s outfit was even worse. Livia’s clothes remind me of the early days in soaps when the actors would wear their own clothes onscreen, sometimes with disastrous results. I am not suggesting at all that Ms. Pinkins is dressing herself, but someone is and that someone has a bit of explaining to do.

 

Mimi did not do nearly enough explaining to Dani did she? “I did not have any evidence” was a less than a lame excuse. But then this whole story, filled with such promise, ended on such a lame note. Shall we start another pool on how many months it will be before we see Derek and Olivia again?

 

We will be seeing a lot of Dani which is a good thing. However now that it has been established, several times, that Dani is a woman and no longer a girl, how much will we be seeing of Reggie?

 

So little Reggie, so much of the Laverys.  Sigh.

 

“How did I not see that?”  Well, Ryan you did not see that because you had your head up your arse.

 

I have been thinking about Ryan’s future. He really doesn’t have a job to come back to in PV. He should strongly consider following his childhood dream of joining of the circus. I am certain any circus sideshow would pay top dollar for a man who could actually put his head up his own arse. And they would probably pay double if Ryan could do that while wearing his clown nose!

 

Will this week’s spoilers have me feeling like a clown for being more optimistic about AMC or not? Let’s see:

 

Beginning with the Di-ception

 

Tad’s anger towards Di continues to grow. He insists that she tell everyone she is not Dixie.

 

It’s always amusing when Tad insists someone else tell the truth, isn’t it?

 

Babe stops Di from telling JR that he has the hots for his half-aunt, not his momma.

Tad and Di are being incredibly selfish here. Neither of them has paused to consider how all this will effect Babe.

 

The Careys are surprised to learn that Tad knows that Di is just plain Di and not Dixie.

 

But is Tad surprised to learn that the Careys know that Di is plain Di and not Dixie? And then are the Careys surprised to learn that Tad does not know that they know that Di is just Di and not Dixie?

 

Krystal tries to convince Tad to keep the Di-lie going; that it is best for everyone.

 

Isn’t Krystal just the most altruistic thing ever? Let us hope that Tad remembers how well things went the last time he kept a lie because Krystal thought it was the right thing to do.

 

Di calls an extended family meeting at the Chandler mansion.

 

The poor dears, they probably think she is inviting over for monkey bread and tea.

 

Di comes clean about being merely a mortal named Di and not their sainted Dixie. They are puzzled, angry and disappointed that they are not being served monkey bread. Oh and a little upset that Dixie has turned out to be Dixie’s half sister instead.

 

I do believe Di has set some sort of Pine Valley record for taking responsibility for her own actions. No wonder everyone is confused.

 

At first JR refuses to believe Di’s story. Later he turns his back on her and walks away.

 

If JR isn’t careful he is going to turn into the male version of Brooke – if JR did not have bad luck he would have no luck at all.

 

David informs Di that no one will forgive her for pretending to be Dixie.

 

Until of course they all decide somehow it’s  all David fault and start blaming him.

 

Dixie is still dead, but Ryan is not (for those of you keeping score)

 

Ryan arrives in Pine Valley and heads over to his penthouse. He doesn’t find Greenlee but is surprised to find a shrine she built to Ryan.

 

Wouldn’t it have been more polite to call first? Surely there must be some etiquette guidelines for returning from the dead. And why is he surprised about the shrine? I just assumed everyone in PV has a shrine to Ryan.

 

Greenlee and Kendall arrive just after Ryan leaves. Kendall is also pretty shocked to discover the shrine Greens has erected.

This shrine thing confirms what I have been postulating for awhile now—that Greens completely lost her mind when Leo died and she has been operating in some bizarre fugue state ever since.  That said, I cannot help but picture a photo of Ryan in a frame Greenlee decorated all by herself-by hot gluing clown noses around the edge.

 

 

Ryan runs into Lily who finds it hard to believe that he is not a ghost.

 

And I find it difficult not to wish that Ryan were a ghost.

 

Lily tells Ryan he can find Greenlee at the park. Ryan heads over there and surprises everyone by walking into his own memorial service.

 

Just like when Edmund walked into his own funeral. There is a difference, though, I was happy that Eddie wasn’t dead.

 

Zach is less than thrilled to see Ryan.

 

Further proof that Zach is well Zachalicious.

 

Ryan tries to tell Greenlee the truth- that he is a lying selfish insensitive coward who faked his own death-but Greens would rather have sex. So that’s what they do.

 

Well, he was just trying to make Greenlee happy. What a guy!

 

When Ryan finally does admit the truth, Greenlee feels betrayed. She is furious, hurt, and devastated.

 

If only she would also feel homicidal I would be very happy.

 

Zach tells Kendall he will always be there for her and protect her.

 

But he doesn’t love her. Nope. No way. Not a bit.  Just taking care of his business partner.

 

Kendall remembers how oddly Zach was acting the night Ryan “died.” She asks Zach if he knew Ryan was alive and he tells her the truth.

 

It’s probably going to take more than bubble gum cigars to get Zach out of this one.

 

Zach explains everything to Kendall but does not apologize for his actions. Kendall walks away.

 

Ahh, the Slaters first real fight. Will this lead to make-up sex? Please. Please.

 

Other stuff happens, too

 

Greenlee and Kendall take Erica’s advice and keep the surrogacy a secret from Jack.

 

Is Jack still around? It’s been such a long time since we have seen him, I just assumed he went off with Ethan to do some suspender shopping.

 

JR beats up Ryan.

 

This makes it rather difficult not to love JR doesn’t it?

 

And here’s to another week in the Valley.

 

Kate
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Sun, Oct. 9th, 2005, 11:20 am

 

For the week of Oct 9, 2005

When people find out that I write about soaps, their reaction is usually either a) “Oh, I love soaps, what ones do you write about?”  or b) “But if you write about them, doesn’t that mean you have to watch them?” , while they quickly re-evaluate their opinion of me as an intelligent person.   The disdain always amuses me because these are often people who would never lower themselves to watch a soap but never, ever missed an episode of NYPD Blue.  To me there is very little difference between a primetime drama that delves into its characters personal lives on weekly basis and a soap, except primetime shows have larger budgets, time to rehearse and the luxury of repeats. I mean really, were The Travails of Andy Sipowicz that much different than the travails of any leading long running character on a soap?

 

I love dramas as a genre, daytime or primetime.  And primetime has always been filled with as much lazy writing and bad acting as daytime, it’s just that few in the industry are willing to admit it.  And just as few are willing to admit the real gems that we daytime viewers have been able to enjoy. I would eagerly put the Labines’ writing for GH up against anything primetime has to offer. And can anyone really say that Benjamin Hendrickson, Eden Riegel, and David Canary are not as good as some of what primetime offers and quite frankly better than most?

 

That is why I have never been embarrassed to be a soap fan.

 

Until now.

 

This past week on AMC just about did me in. I almost did not do a column this week because I was so disgusted and disappointed, but I take my work seriously so here it is.

 

Time: approximately 3 1/2  years ago

 

Location: David Hayward’s cabin. David, wearing tight jeans and a work shirt with the sleeves rolled up, has just answered his cell phone.

 

David: Hello

Dixie: Hello David

David: Dixie! What a pleasant surprise.

Dixie: I know I haven’t kept in touch as much as I should have. After all, you are not the love of my life in whom I confide every wish, dream, and fact. Tad is.

David (sardonically smirking at the mention of Tad’s name): That’s alright. Dr Alpendorf has been sending me your test results. I concur that the pregnancy is not having any adverse effects on your heart or your kidney. How is Switzerland treating you?

Dixie: I am making friends here at the clinic. In fact I am about to go into to town to get the fixxins for my famous monkey bread. I promised everyone I would make it for breakfast tomorrow. The roads are icing over and I need to get to town and back before they get too bad.

David: Drive carefully, Dixie and take care.

Dixie: You take care too, David. And by the way I have a halfsisternamedDiHenrywhowasfarmedouttorelativesatbirthandnowhernameisDiKirby. Toodles!

 

End scene.

 

It seems to me that Dixie, a woman with one kidney and heart problems, would have told everyone in her world about this potential donor.  Tad, Joe, Jake, Palmer, JR, and Ruth to name a few.

 

Dixie keeping Di a secret makes no sense in the context of Dixie’s struggle with her health problems. The possibility of Dixie needing a kidney transplant, herself, one day was an integral part of her story from the day of Del’s transplant.

 

I could much more easily believe that David just lucked out in hiring better private investigators than Adam did.

 

Why does this seemingly insignificant thing bother me so much? Because it’s lazy writing. Let’s make a plot point without seeing if it matches with the character’s history.  And lazy writing is insulting to viewers.

 

I have been watching soaps for decades now, so I feel secure in declaring that I am a longtime fan of the genre. I have always appreciated the hard work it takes to produce a good show day after day with no break for repeats. I used to admire the care and the craft that went into each ABC soap.  I felt that the care and craft demonstrated not only respect for the genre but also for the viewers.

 

Those days, it seems, are sadly over at ABC.

 

What keeps me tuning in ? A Vincent Irizarry smile here, a Palmer and Opal sighting there. The cockeyed optimistic hope that the Slaters will be allowed to continue their slow dance to major coupledom. (Tempered of course by the rational cynical belief that they will not.)  And the camaraderie of my fellow AMC viewers. Being in this together is much more fun than suffering alone, don’t you think?

 

I wish we could have all been together at my house watching AMC this past Friday.  I might even have whipped together a little spotted dick for us to enjoy.

 

Of course then I would have spent hours vacuuming up spotted dick from the rug. Why? Because surely we would have all spit it out when Greenlee handed Erin the clown nose!

 

If anything exists beyond ludicrous that was it. I am surprised Erin and Greens did not take turns wearing it so they could feel closer to Ryan.

 

Didn’t it dawn on anyone how rather pathetic it was that Ryan’s life came down to a pair of sunglasses, a comic book and a clown nose?

 

Personally I don’t think Ryan deserves more, but surely TPTB at AMC who have been pimping Ryan as Pine Valley’s Patron Saint, could have come up with something more substantive?   At least clown shoes would not have looked like Greens was holding one of Ryan’s testicles in her hand.

 

I am just grateful that we never had to see Ryan wearing the clown nose. Although as punishment when he returns to Pine Valley I think Ryan should have to dress up as the Green Butterfly, put the clown nose on and parade around the Valley for days.

 

That is, if the clown nose is still available. Erin is so far into her Ryan worship that she just might have it bronzed.

 

True he doesn’t have the nose, but Adam is pretty much being written as Krystal’s clown. Adam has become an oxymoron, an emasculated cunning linguist. By now, Adam should have the upper hand, legally and financially.

 

The only bright spot is this is that soon Palmer should start teasing the hell out of Adam.  With apologies to the Everly Brothers, I expect Palmer to start singing, “Here he comes, it’s Krystal’s clown,” the next time Adam walks into the Valley Inn.

 

And now for the non sequitur portion of the program:

 

Is Ethan spending all his time hiding out at the Valley Inn? Is he still on the show? How about Simone? Brooke? Jack? Reggie?  Just asking.

 

Why is Jamie living in Maggie’s old apartment and not in the Tyler mansion?

 

DiDixie is quite the multi-tasker isn’t she? She managed to get a trip to Mystic Tan while juggling Julia and Garret. What a woman.

 

JR really should stay out of business suits. It is very difficult to take him seriously when he is playing at being an adult.

 

One thing I did like this week was David’s take on how odd JR’s relationship is with his mother. “The woman...is still probably singing him to sleep at night.”  David is probably right, except in JR’s fantasies everyone is nude.

 

Mimi could be dumber, but it is difficult to imagine how, isn’t it?

 

Will someone please introduce Brian Frons to the wonders of Internet porn so he can quit working out his fantasies through Amanda?  (If he doesn’t stop it, I am going to make him wear the clown nose. But not on his nose.)

 

I don’t know if Anita picked up a clown nose on her travels but she sure did not pick up a personality in California did she?   (Let’s face it the most interesting thing about Anita, past and present, always was Bobbie.)

 

Will this week’s spoilers have us glued to the screen or wanting to run away to the circus? Let’s see:

 

DiDixie and the Dragon take center stage this week:

 

Tad and Zach accuse Garret of being The Dragon. He denies it and heads back to NYC.

 

Don’t they even make him show his tattoo first? Damn.

 

Back in NYC, Julia and DiDixie decide to work together to bring the Dragon down.

 

Again? How many times do these chicks have to decide something before they actually do it? If I were the Dragon, I would have shot them days ago.

 

Garret takes a distinct dislike to DiDixie’s disloyal side.

 

But does he take a paddle from the boathouse to her backside?

 

Garret, Julia and DiDxie struggle, but alas not in Jell-O. The gun goes off. Garret is shot, but not dead.

 

But I bet he wishes he were dead, just to get away from the Tiresome Twosome.

 

Julia wants to shoot Garret again. DiDixie wants him to live to stand trial and pay for his crimes.

 

Further proof that she is not Dixie. Dixie would know that the prosecution never really wins a case in PV.

 

Garret taunts Julia about Noah. “The only interesting thing about you was Noah and now that he is dead nobody cares about you. By the way, whatever happened to Noah’s mother? Now there was an interesting woman.”  Julia shoots Garret again and he dies.

 

This disappoints me on many levels. One, Lamman Rucker is a good actor and yet another soap has wasted his considerable talents on a short-term villain role. Two, this story had such potential to be a real story for the Fryes. The Dragon could have turned out to be someone who worked for Garret. The Dragon still could have been very powerful, just not the big enchilada. With the Dragon dead, Julia could be free and Garret could go on conning friends, influencing people and committing crimes for quite some time.  Yes, the Proteus saga went on for far too long, but the story of the Dragon feels like it is ending way too soon.

 

Derek and Livia tell Dani that Garret was The Dragon.

 

Guess it would be too much to hope that Mimi would step forward and tell Dani the truth.

 

Later Dani sees Mimi and lets her have it. Her anger that is.

 

I wouldn’t blame Dani if she let the heel end of her Jimmy Choo’s do the talking for her. Stomp. Stomp.

 

Mimi and Dani embrace. All is forgiven.

 

You are kidding me?  Here was a chance for a genuine mother/daughter story and that’s it? How disappointing, but then we have to be certain there is ample screen time for the Laverys and Amanda.

 

Letter. Letter. Who’s got the letter?

 

Turns out Stuart had the letter all along.

 

Stuart still lives in Pine Valley? Who knew?

 

Stuart reads the letter and discovers DiDixie is merely Di. He is heartbroken.

 

Pissed would be a better reaction but heartbroken is a start.

 

Stuart takes the letter to Tad. Tad is both heartbroken and pissed.

 

I wish I could feel badly for Tad, but I just don’t.

 

Stuart returns the letter to Di, who gives it to Del, who burns it. Di and Del think her secret, and his allowance, are both now safe.

 

Apparently Del learned nothing during his last stay in the Valley. It’s some sort of weird law of nature in the Valley, that just as soon as you think your secret is safe, it gets exposed. Happens every time.

 

Everyone is excited to have DiDixie back home. Everyone but Tad. DiDixie wonders what’s wrong.

 

 She is wondering, “Is Tad upset, or, is he just being his usual snarky party pooper self?”

 

Tad tells DiDixie that he knows she is merely Di. He is hurt and angry and confused.

 

Hmm… hurt, angry, confused. Kind of like JR was when he found out that you lied about his son being dead, Tad, kinda like that?

 

Di tries to explain her actions to Tad, telling him she was motivated by love, nothing else. She did not mean to hurt anyone.

 

Another Valley law of nature Di has to learn, only the Martins are allowed to do reprehensible things in the name of love and be excused for it.  Anyone else caught doing similar things for similar reasons is just evil. Pure and simple evil.

 

Tad tells Di she will have to tell JR the truth.

 

“I have good news and I have bad news, JR. The bad news is that I am not your mother. I am pretty certain she is still dead, although she has not shown up in Oakdale so who knows for sure? The good news? I am pretty sure that in 37 states it’s OK to date your half-aunt.”

 

Let’s check in on the Madden-ing Crowd

 

Greg makes a veiled threat to Kendall that something bad will happen if she and Greenlee do not control Erica.

 

Does this mean Greg will be wearing a cocktail hat with a veil while threatening Kendall? Hey, I’d rather see that than anyone wearing a clown nose.

 

Josh refuses to help Erica get the goods on his father.

 

Although perhaps a picture of Greg in a cocktail hat would help Erica’s cause.

 

And now we must drag ourselves up North. No lagging, now, come on

 

Erin and Greenlee continue to build a verbal and emotional shrine to Ryan.

 

I continue to feel slightly sick. Did you notice that Erin did not offer Greenlee any refreshments, not even a butter tart? To visit Canada and not have a butter tart should be some kind of criminal offense.

 

Greens tells Erin that she will never love again, never feel whole again, never have a front burner story again.

 

Erin feels pretty smug during this, because having been born a Lavery, she is guaranteed to always have a front burner story.

 

When Greenlee leaves, Ryan makes a decision about the future. He is headed back to Pine Valley.

 

Oh no, sweet mercy, no!

 

Greenlee finds herself wandering around the hospital and thinks she sees Jonathan. She tries to find him without success. She shrugs and heads back to the Valley.

 

Why is she there? Did she mistake the hospital for the airport? Did her cabdriver tell her the best butter tarts in Nova Scotia were to be found at the hospital cafeteria?

 

Meanwhile, back in the Valley

 

JR seeks comfort in Kendall’s arms

 

JR is just like a little heat-seeking missile isn’t he?

 

JR tells Kendall that perhaps he has been too hard on Tad and Jamie.

Now would be a good time for Kendall to practice some tough love on JR. 

 

Kendall tells Greenlee she is pregnant with RYAN’S AND GREENLEE’S BABY!

 

Or so she thinks. After all this is a Pine Valley pregnancy. If it is indeed Ryan’s baby, will it be born wearing a clown nose?

 

And the best spoiler in a long, long time

 

Zach and Kendall spontaneously hug!

 

And then do they spontaneously combust?

 

 

Oh those AMC actors

 

As you may have guessed from the above, this week is the last we will see of Lamman Rucker. Shari Headley (Mimi) exits soon.

 

Kate Collins will show up in November as Janet. Let’s hope Janet does not forget her crowbar.

 

Since Kate Collins is now playing Janet, does that mean Janet had plastic surgery again to make her look like she did before she had plastic surgery? Just asking.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley.

Kate

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Sun, Oct. 2nd, 2005, 10:52 am

 

For the week of Oct 2

 

“I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.”

 

                                     David Hayward

David summed up my recent AMC viewing experience with that sentence.  I was crying when I was watching David with the Idiot-Who- Would-Be-A- Doctor Jamie and crying even more when watching him later at the Chandler mansion. 

Crying at the realization that this is the best the current regime can come up with for the evil but incredibly sexy Dr. David Hayward to do.  David is an intelligent, tortured man with a wonderfully sardonic sense of humor. And yet now he is just a prop for Babe and Jamie and Krystal.

 

How could anyone not cry, after laughing, at the sight of Jamie making chart notes (“I saw the patient’s titties!”) while David pushes his mop and bucket into the scene? Jamie is actually allowed near patients while David scrubs floors?  Can anyone refresh my memory about how many hours David was sentenced to community service? I am fairly certain it was not a life sentence with no chance of parole.

 

The biggest insult is that David has been sentenced to life with the Carey women. He has sacrificed everything for them and yet they wipe their come- f*ck- me- heels all over him every chance they get. And he takes it. Vanessa and Leo would be so disappointed.

 

(And note to Babe: the very fact that David said, “a parent is not supposed to be a best friend”, and does not do everything you demand that he do, makes him a better parent than Krystal could ever dream of being.)

 

And what will happen when DiDixie is revealed to be merely Di? Will Del get blamed for keeping the secret?  Will Babe get blamed for keeping the secret? Will Di even get blamed? Nope, David will be blamed.  It just makes me sad to see David become a mere shadow of his gloriously diabolically appealing former self.

 

Of course, should I really expect more when the entire show is a shadow of its former glorious self?

 

Now to the laughing part. My laughter started during Julia’s seizure in the backseat and continued through her assault on the Dragon. I haven’t seen anything that unintentionally laughable since Ryan’s last scenes at the casino. Those were so funny I cannot decide which was funnier: Ryan as a MONSTER or Ryan as a ghost.

 

Julia just is ridiculous and I truly do not think that it is the writers’ or the actress’ intent.  The notion that she could take down an international crime lord in a face-to-face showdown was ludicrous from the beginning.  I know I should feel sorry for Julia but I don’t; perhaps because she is feeling sorry enough for herself for the both of us. I want her pity party to end and if it ends with her death, so be it.

 

(Although it will probably end with Julia also keeping DiDixie’s secret.)

 

I will give Julia points for being creative in transforming that chair leg into the biggest #2 pencil I have ever seen.  Who knew Julia had those kinds of beaver skills?

 

And again I ask, what happened to Noah’s mother? Or does Julia’s pity only extend to herself? And maybe it would strike a more sympathetic chord with the audience if, instead of whining about low level jobs, Julia mentioned how it broke Noah’s heart to not be able to say goodbye to his Aunt Grace?  (True, we did not see Aunt Grace die onscreen, but I could let that slide. Aren’t I the generous soul?)

 

Wouldn’t it be great if Julia and DiDixie tried to escape by jumping out the window and landed on Mimi, killing all three of them?

 

TPTB killed some of the fun in the Adam/Krystal pairing for me when they turned Adam into Krystal’s drunken dupe. Couldn’t they just let it be two moon shined adults making what may, or may not, be the biggest mistake either has made? Why did they have to turn it into yet another idiotic Carey plan?  A marriage between two semi-adults tormenting, torturing and tickling each other could have been great. Krystal playing Adam so Babe can get more time with Little A probably won’t be. Adam, please call Barry Shire now. If Renee Zelwegger can get an annulment surely you can get a divorce.

 

And why is Babe getting weirded out over Krystal having sex with Adam when her Momma humming a happy tune on the ER doctor did not bother her at all?

 

And why does Adam have such a small bedroom? When he was married to Liza, his bedroom was huge with an adjoining dressing room/master bath. And two windows!

 

Postive. Try to be positive.

 

I loved Afred-With-An-Ascot!  Not sucking up to Erica at the Yacht Club, but finally, finally beating Tad. “It’s called touché, Thaddeus!”  And if Tad Being Had leads to DiDixie’s and Julia’s death, so be it.

 

And the absolutely devastating hot sex between Zach and Kendall was pretty great, too. True it was all going on inside my head, and theirs, during the Zach/Kendall scenes but, trust me, the earth moved. Several times.

 

Also enjoyed the little references to actors’ lives pre-AMC. The “bat’ and “reciting bad poetry” referring to Thorsten Kaye’s stints on PC and OLTL. And Krystal calling Adam “candy pants” reminded me of when my David Canary crush first began, back when he was on Bonanza.

 

And seeing Myrtle, Opal and Palmer is always a welcome gift. Perhaps Alfred should start pursuing Opal.  Let’s see Palmer and Tad deal with that.

 

How will we deal with this week’s spoilers? Will they make us smile, or to paraphrase Palmer, will they make us gag, wretch and be miserable? Let’s see:

 

Starting in the Land of the Crossed Snowshoes:

 

Jonathan/Julian has a great idea-he wants to head back to Pine Valley!

 

Sounds like there are tumor remnants lingering in Jonathan’s brain.

I think the Laverys staying away for approximately forever is a much better idea, don’t you?

 

Erin tries to convince Ryan that he is a really really good person and that he should go visit Greenlee.

 

I am starting to think brain tumors are contagious.

 

Greenlee gets the urge to visit Erin. Greenlee ignores what Kendall has to say, which is that visiting Erin is a really lousy idea.

 

Clearly Kendall still does not understand the rules of her relationship with Greenlee- she must do everything Greens suggests while Greens can ignore every word out of Kendall’s mouth.

 

The grieving widow pours her heart out to Erin while Ryan eavesdrops.

 

Is this supposed to make me feel Ryan’s pain?  I want Ryan to feel some pain all right. I want him to feel Reggie’s and Jackson’s fists painfully pounding his face, including his chapped lips. (Because lip licking causes chapping.)

 

Erin is overcome by how deeply Ryan loves Greenlee and she tries to convince him to return to Pine Valley.

 

How quickly I have gone from liking Erin to loathing her.  Is Erin’s brain tumor  preventing her from realizing that if you love someone you do not let them believe they have been widowed twice before turning 30?

 

Ryan tells Erin he can never return to Pine Valley.

 

And here I was thinking I would never, ever agree with Ryan again.

 

On this week’s episode of DiDixie and the Dragon

 

DiDixie tries to convince Julia she is on her side by revealing that she is not Dixie, she is merely a mere mortal named Di Henry.

 

Let me get this straight, Julia should trust a woman who has been conning people since she arrived in PV? Ah well, if it leads to Julia’s death, so be it.

 

DiDixie and Julia decide that working together is the only way to escape the Dragon.

 

Go for the window, girls, go for the window!

 

Sam and Lily decide to join the hunt for Julia.

 

How about this? A jumping DiDixie and Julia fall not only on Mimi, but also on Sam and Lily!  Only Lily survives and the accident shocks her problem with red right out of her system. Works for me.

 

Garrett tells Julia some unpleasant truths about Noah.

 

“He was begging me, begging me, I tell you, to kill him. He knew it was the only way to escape your relentlessly whiny ass self.”

 

Garrett tries to convince Julia he can give her a brand new better life.

 

Preferably in a galaxy far, far away.

 

Back in the vault, Zach torments Tad about DiDixie’s lies.

 

Yet another reason to like Zach (not that I needed any).

 

It finally dawns on Zach and Tad that DiDixie has gone after Julia.

 

“Good Riddance!”, I say. They probably say something different. Unfortunately.

 

It also starts to dawn on them that Garret may be involved in all this.

 

“Think about it for a minute. He’s new in town. He’s has a short-term contract. And he can act! He must be a villain.”

 

At precisely 8:30 am Alfred lets the boys out of the vault.

 

I am certain Tad’s parting shot will be something along the lines of , “If DiDixie and Julia Santos die, it will all your fault.”  If only Alfred would reply, “Julia is alive? Be sure to tell her about our special banking package for returning used-to-be dead customers!”

 

Let’s check on the Madden-ing crowd, shall we?

 

Erica decides that Kendall and Greenlee are lovers.

 

“All of my daughters are lesbians, even my stepdaughter. What will people think?” Josh suggest this would be great for an episode of New Beginnings.  Erica shoots him.

 

In order to find out, Erica asks Josh to start dating Kendall.

 

It would probably be easier to just ask Kendall, but this is more fun. Anyone else remember when she tried to bribe Leo into taking Binky out on the town?  

Greg tells Josh he cannot date Kendall. 

“Not just because she is your sister, but because she is a married woman. I don’t care if adulterous incest would make a great episode of New Beginnings; you cannot date Mrs. Slater.” 

When it dawns on Kendall that her mother has jumped to the absolutely wrong conclusion, she decides to tell Erica the truth. 

However if there is one thing Erica cannot handle, it’s the truth. 

Erica is less than thrilled that Kendall is Greenlee’s surrogate. She tells Greg that if Kendall is indeed pregnant, she will destroy him. 

I always love how Erica deals with the truth in a calm, logical fashion, don’t you?   

Kendall offers to let Zach out of their marriage contract. After all, having a pregnant wife was not part of the plan. Zach refuses. 

Zach would never abandon his pregnant wifey. Not and face Myrtle’s wrath. 

Meanwhile, at the Chandler mansion: 

Babe tells Krystal about DiDixie merely being Di. They decide to keep the secret to themselves. 

Who cares if other people are being hurt by the lie?   

Krystal tells David he will be sorry if he reveals DiDixie’s secret. 

Sorrier than doing community service and being related to the Careys? Is that possible? 

Babe works hard to reposition herself in JR’s life. 

Well, if there is one thing her Momma taught her, it’s positions. 

Jamie gets a letter from Janet. He gets someone to read it to him and discovers that Janet thinks he is marrying Amanda. 

Here is how I would like this to play out: Jamie answers that he is not going to marry Amanda, he is only using her for sex. Janet heads for Pine Valley with a crowbar as her concealed weapon… 

Anita sees a side of Zach she never dreamed existed. 

His backside nude would work for me!   

Here’s to another week in the Valley! 

Kate

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Sun, Sep. 25th, 2005, 11:18 am

 

For the week of Sept 25, 2005


All too frequently when watching AMC these days my minds drifts away to favorite scenes from the past.  Is it the current AMC regime causing these mind drifts or age-related dementia?  Who knows?

 

What I do know is this week I found myself thinking about a favorite scene from the not too distant past. David, Leo and Maggie were having lunch in David’s room at the Valley Inn. They had ordered everything on the room service menu from onion rings to escargot to cheesecake and crème brûlée. The three of them sat around eating, talking and laughing. Just two brothers getting to know their cousin Maggie. And allowing the viewers to get to know them just a little better. No plot point was served along with the room service delectables (although Maggie did mention wanting to go to med school). It was just a wonderful scene showing characters bonding.

 

I was thinking about that scene this week when NuDerek was at Mimi’s wedding, standing around seemingly unconnected to anyone, including his daughter. (A quick aside, does Charles Parnell remind anyone else of Brock Peters?)

 

A simple scene between Dani and her father would have gone a long way towards correcting that. Imagine Dani and Derek having lunch at BJs. Derek wants to know more about what Dani is interested in so he asks about her work at Fusion:

 

“The problem with developing lip glosses is this, Daddy: if they are too tacky, your hair sticks to them but if they are not tacky enough, they disappear off your lips in minutes. And then there’s the whole question of sparkle, you know what I mean? The customer wants her lips to look glittery but she doesn’t want the glitter to feel like tiny pieces of cut glass on her lips.”

 

Cut to Derek, who is trying desperately to be interested but keeps looking to the door hoping someone will walk in and rescue him. He doesn’t leave though and through his not leaving we see how much Derek loves his daughter. And maybe NuDerek seems to be a little bit more like just Derek to viewers.

 

That scene did not happen, though. And so the scene at the wedding, which included a brand NuJosh and a fairly NuDerek, was a bit distracting. Or did I miss the scene where Dani asked NuJosh to be her wedding date, so she would not have to face Garret and her mother alone? (And so we would know who the heck it was who was punching Garret.)

 

The Dani/Mimi/Garret story is the most compelling one on AMC these days, so why not spend a little time allowing the audience to get to used to new actors in pivotal roles in a major story? After all, it is not like oldJosh and realDerek left unexpectedly, causing the roles to be recast overnight, à la Jim Thomasen. 

 

I think I know the answer to my own question; because we wouldn’t want a little character development to get in the way of a plot point now would we?

 

Mimi’s development as a character puzzles me. As I recall, I rather liked her the last time she was onscreen. True, I never understood her reasons for leaving Derek, since she, herself, stayed in law enforcement, but still I did not quite expect the not –quite-bright narcissist that is Mimi today.

 

In my view of the world, a parent’s job is to protect her child, be it from the outside world or even from the other parent. Mimi throwing teenage Dani out of the apartment in the middle of the night during power outages defies any definition of motherhood I have ever heard. And going through with the wedding boggles this mind.

 

I suppose Mimi could be playing Garret as much as he is playing her. Perhaps she forced Dani to leave NYC so she could pursue the Dragon and felt by marrying him she would get access to his inner world. This time around Mimi does not seem that bright. And even if that turns out to be the case, she sacrificed Dani in the process, still making her a pretty rotten excuse for a mother. At least in the traditional meaning of the word.

 

Mimi did look nice at the wedding; I’ll give her that. The fresh flowers in her hair softened the style’s harshness a bit. And her dress suited her perfectly. Not only was it beautiful but it was easy to get out of as evidenced by Mimi’s ability to change clothes, drive to the Chandler mansion and cuff Julia all before DiDixie got there. Even though DiDixie left the Yacht Club before her. No wonders she’s a captain.

 

I am wondering what the heck Tonya Pinkins did to tick off the stylists at AMC.  The ill-fitting dress and the way too casual purse were just wrong, I tell you, wrong. And don’t get me started on what looked like albino worms woven into her hair. It takes a lot of work to make a woman as beautiful as Tonya Pinkins look bad and yet somehow AMC managed to achieve just that.

 

Of course she was missing the most perfect accessory Livia has, besides her brains, and that is her husband Tom. Where has Tom been and how can we get him back?

 

It seemed like a lot of guests were missing at that wedding. Wouldn’t a successful, heavily networked man like Garret have invited lots of people to his wedding?

 

It is good that Dani has lots of people on her side. It is even better that she is smart enough to realize that she has to work things out in her own mind for herself, too. I am hoping she is smart enough to never, ever, be alone with Garret again.

 

This story has great acting, especially from Tanisha Lynn and Lamman Rucker, and a compellingly realistic, AMC style, view of things. A little more effort on the introduction of new actors and it would be just about perfect.

 

Now to the rest of AMC.

 

“I am the village idiot.”  Finally I agree with something Tad said. Unfortunately Tad was kidding. And it’s not so much that Tad is the village idiot but that he is the village star hypocrite.  When he said, “Zach is not above breaking and entering” his tone was that of condemnation. I found myself shouting, “and when is a little B&E worse than aiding and abetting a kidnapping?”  Tad worked my last nerve a long time ago.

 

“Nothing untoward happened here last night.”  One of things I love most about Adam is that he knows words like “untoward” and uses them correctly. A man with a great vocabulary is hard to resist.

 

And, as evidenced by Krystal’s screams of delight, Adam is clearly an all around cunning linguist.

 

Damn that Bobbie Eakes. Her talents are making it difficult to continue to hate Krystal. Make no mistake, I still hate her, it’s just that from time to time I have to remind myself that I do.

 

Those scenes with Adam and Krystal were delightful. Both actors played their parts with full out gusto. And who would have guessed that under his Armani suits Adam was so pumped?

 

Please, please, PTB, show us the scene where Mary Smythe learns that Krystal is the new Mrs. Chandler.

 

And I am hoping that Adam tells Brooke the news himself. And that the characters’ expressions reflect bewilderment and some measure of hurt.

 

I am bewildered and hurt by the writers continuing to torment me with Lavery scenes.

 

“ They said…they… would …bring…him back…from..induced…coma…in…stages.”  It was JulianJonathan who was in a coma. Why was Ryan speaking as if he, himself, was working his way back from one?

 

I want Ryan dead and I want him dead now. Few things I have ever seen on a soap surpass the cruelty of the Erin/Ryan phone call to Greens just so Ryan could hear his “widow’s” voice.

 

(And besides if Ryan is so smart, why couldn’t he wait until she was at the office and call the answering machine at home to hear her voice? That is what any sane rational stalker would do.)

 

While we are on the subject of Ryan, can we declare an AMC moratorium on “scary” uplighted face scenes? First we had the unfortunate Ryan-as-ghost scenes. This week we had Zach and Garret “scary” moments. Enough already.

 

I have also had about enough of Greg Madden. We get that he has a deep dark secret. And now we know that Hazel, his nurse and confidant knows it, but why should we care?  Hints are dropped all over that the secret involves Erica but again why should we care? Unless of course Ryan’s sperm turned even worse on defrosting and he has impregnated Kendall with Madden’s finest?

 

And finally, props to Julia for saying to DiDixie what I have been thinking for weeks, “You Bitch!”

 

Will this coming week’s spoilers have us bitching or smiling? Let’s see:

 

Beginning with one set of newlyweds:

 

JR and Babe are fairly surprised to learn that Krystal and Adam are wed.

 

Not nearly as surprised as Adam and Krystal were.

 

Tad and David are fairly repulsed to learn that Krystal wed Adam.

 

More repulsed than when they learned she had had sex with both of them or not? I am guessing Tad is more jealous now because he realizes he is not as much of a cunning linguist as Adam.  David not so much since he has always been a more confident man than Tad.

 

Jamie tells David about Babe’s plan to remarry JR.

 

And I am sure during the conversation manages to drop in a few smug remarks about he is now working at PVH and David is not. He wouldn’t be a Martin if he wasn’t smug, now would he?

 

David warns Babe that her plan is dangerous. If she does not drop her plan, David will tell JR what she is up to.

 

Oh, let her go through with it David. Let it backfire all over her sorry behind. Let her fall in love again with JR. Let JR think he wants her, have really hot sex with her and then realize he wants his Aunt/Mother DiDixie more.

 

 Babe tells David that if he does that, he is no longer her father.

 

YadaYadaYada. David should be so lucky.

 

David tells Babe a secret.

“I have always been appalled and more than slightly embarrassed that you are my daughter.”

 

Kendall is concerned that Babe could hurt JR again. JR tells Kendall he won’t let Babe get close enough to hurt him.

 

Yeah, and if you buy that you will also buy that Kendall is not falling for Zach. And vice versa.

 

 

Meanwhile on DiDixie and the Dragon:

 

Julia escapes on her way to the Feds safe house.

 

Any hope she will head out to the coast to visit her sibs?

 

Tad, DiDixie and Zach are arrested.

 

It just dawned on me that all three have had different names than they have now. Unfortunately that does not make this spoiler any more interesting.  And it’s probably not why they were arrested.

 

Tad, DiDixie and Zach are released.

 

Ahh, so they were arrested as plot filler.

 

Trying to put Tad off Garret’s trail, DiDixie tells him Kevin is trying to kill Julia. Tad tells DiDixie that is impossible, since Kevin is dead.

 

Which is a relief actually. Now we will never have to witness Kevin and Tad playing, “Whose is bigger?”

 

Garret pretends to be a friend of Noah’s so Julia decides to go with him.

 

Ah, yeah, right, since Julia’s last encounter with a good friend of Noah’s turned out so well.

 

Garret takes Julia to his apartment in NYC.

 

You know how you can tell it’s not a cabin in Canada? No crossed snowshoes over the fireplace, silly.

 

Garret makes Julia feel comfortable and she starts to tell him her plan for catching the Dragon.

 

“Well, I thought I would buy a really big dragon net and hid behind a tree making noises like a virgin. Oh, no, wait that’s for unicorns, isn’t it?”  

 

Garret then hands Julia a copy of “Catching Dragons for Dummies.”

 

Yes, I made that up. So sue me. Or at least spank me.

 

Garret takes his shirt off and Julia sees his tattoo. Quelle surprise! It’s a dragon.

 

So does the Dragon cook Julia’s goose?

 

Overwhelmed with guilt, or something like it, DiDixie tells Tad where he can find the letter. She then heads off to NYC where she begs Garret to spare Julia’s life.

 

I would be inclined to give Garret a pass on this Dragon-thing if he would just shoot them both.  Not a pass on his behavior with Dani, but the Dragon thing, why not?

 

Tad and Zach head over to the bank to get “the letter” out of DiDixie’s safety deposit box.

 

I am picturing a Keystone Cop scene where both boys try to fit through the bank’s front door at the same time.

 

Alfred Vanderpoole does not make it easy for them when he locks Tad and Zach in the vault.

 

It’s too bad Garret is the Dragon. It would have been much more fun had Alfred turned out to be the nasty reptile. Always sort of put down by Tad and overlooked by many, Alfred could have had enough and turned bad. But what do I know? I am the one who thought it would have been fun if Barry Shire, tired of running Adam’s errands for all those years, had turned out to be Proteus. (C’mon, it would have made more sense that Vanessa.)

 

And over at the egg-hatching factory:

 

Greenlee is angry with Kendall for having the implanting done without her.

 

Silly me. I thought Greens would at least wait until Kendall had a positive pregnancy test before turning on her.

 

Once again Zach reassures Kendall that he supports her in this pregnancy.

 

I was really unhappy with Adam when he switched sperm on Liza. Yet I would be so grateful if Zach had replaced Ryan’s poor poor specimens with his fine Zachian sperm. Why? Because Kendall should always stay as far away from all things Ryan as possible.

 

Erica’s Kendall/ Greenlee suspicion radar is on alert, but she is not sure why. She confronts Greg and wants answers.

 

“Why didn’t you watch my show? I have a new show called New Beginnngs.  Everyone watched my show! It’s a brand new show called New Beginnings! Everyone watched but you and Kendall and Greenlee that is! And I demand to know why!”

 

One other thing happens:

 

Derek tells Dani he is on her side and believes her.

 

“I may not understand lip glosses, Danielle, but I am your father and I love you.”

 

 

And the best thing about the coming week’s spoilers? Not one mention of the Laverys. (And if you know of any please do not spoil my good mood by telling me.)

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley.

 

Kate

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Sun, Sep. 18th, 2005, 08:43 am

For the week of Sept 18th

I do not scare easily.  Slasher movies, horror books, autopsies, doesn’t matter, I stand my ground unfazed. Yet this week on AMC, there was something I found truly frightening: Jamie in a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. Even more frightening? Joe asking Jamie, who was holding a patient’s chart, “How is Little Adam doing?  And taking Jamie’s word for it!  Talk about your HMO from Hell…

 

“I am looking at a healthy little boy, not a coffin.”  Yes, Jamie, the Chandlers should have tighter security around the pool. And it is such an obvious plot point that they did not. (Are we to believe that Liza and Adam did not put pool safety devices in place when Colby was born?) Yet, it’s Jamie I loathe because he made it sound as if JR took “Little A” to the pool and held him under water until he lost consciousness.

 

I also loathe the name “Little A.”  The poor kid won’t even make it through the first day of kindergarten before the other kids start chanting, “Little A’s an Asshole.” I am surprised that JR goes along with that awful, and awkward nickname, given that he could not wait to get rid of the much more benign moniker, “Junior.”

 

Speaking of names, you can change Ryan’s name to Bob, but it does not make him any less insufferable. Or less clueless. If a brain tumor explains away Jonathan hearing voices and seeing dead people, what is the reason for Ryan doing the same?  Shouldn’t it be dawning on Ryan to maybe look into that?  But then Ryan would have to admit that he, himself, is part of his problem and that just is not going to happen.

 

And didn’t you just love how Ryan thought Henson was a bad person for being a con artist but yet he, Ryan, was not? You can take Ryan out of PV but you cannot take the PV hypocrisy out of Ryan.

 

Speaking of PV, are the Laverys still in Canada? If so, then Henson is not just an evil con but also a stupid one. Why would someone try a health insurance scam in Canada, where everyone has health care? Just asking.

 

I confess though that the Laverys did break my heart this week. Not with Jonathan’s surgery or talk of how their upbringing caused major problems for all three siblings. No, my heart broke when Erin said to Ryan, “You were awesome.”  With that line it became clear that Erin needed a PET scan, too, just to determine whether or not she even has a brain.

 

Zach has a brain and a fine one it is, too. He was totally conning Kendall about supporting the surrogacy, but unlike Ryan’s cons, this was a con with a gentle purpose. To let Kendall know he is on her side. Zach knows someone will have to be there to pick up the pieces when the surrogacy plan falls apart.  Now if Zach could just admit to himself the reason he wants Kendall to feel safe with him…

 

It dawned on me this week, how alike Zach and Kendall are. Each pretends to be tough, but on the inside they are just mush, I tell you, mush!

 

Another thing dawned on me this week, why I, for the first, time am enjoying Thorsten Kaye. This is the first character I have seen him play that has a sense of humor. Read any interview and it’s clear Mr. Kaye has a delightfully intelligent one.   Points to the AMC writers for giving Zach one, too.

 

It just too bad that Myrtle seems to be the only one in town to appreciate it.

 

Non sequitur time.

 

“You’ve earned this life.” In what universe would that be true, Del?  And would you believe that to be true if DiDixie’s new life wasn’t picking up all your expenses?

 

Remember that great Joan Cusak scene from Working Girl when she says to Melanie Griffith’s character, “Just because I put music on and dance around in my underwear, it doesn’t make me Madonna and it never will.’”? 

 

That scene comes to mind every time DiDixie is on screen. I want to scream at her, “Just because you go around Pine Valley looking all innocent while being all kinds of pedantically hypocritical, doesn’t make you Dixie and it never will.”  And I did not even like Dixie. Go figure.

 

I do like Garret. Or rather I like Lamman Rucker.  His portrayal of Garret is like a set of smooth silk sheets on a bed of rattlesnakes.

 

We know he has disgusting plans for Dani. Most of my emailers think he is the Dragon. And it looks like Di met him moments after arriving in NYC when she was 17.  I am thinking it would be perfect if DiDixie were Tad’s date for Mimi’s wedding. Then we could have one of those great soap moments when characters recognize each other but have to pretend they are strangers. Probably won’t happen, but it would be fun if it did.

 

I guess the writers think it’s fun to point out how innocent Lily is ad nauseum.  However they have also established that Lily is well read and reads popular fiction. Therefore how could she not know what a “groupie” is?

 

I keep putting it off and putting it off, but I guess I cannot put off “New Beginnings” any longer.

 

Wait, we could talk about DiDixie’s hair instead. We could wonder about how come she never, ever has any roots. And then we could wonder how come no one had noticed how much thinner her hair is than the last time she was in town. (Dixie had many unfortunate haircuts, but she had great hair. One of the reasons I hated her. Yes, I am that shallow.)

 

So much for that.

 

New Beginnings.  Did you know that was the name of Erica’s new talk show? I just wish they had found a way to work it into Erica’s conversations with her guests. 

 

Talk show is a bit of a misnomer. It really was a clip show. I am a New Yorker. I miss my hometown just about every minute of every day. Yet, I was even getting tired of it by the time the second half of New Beginnings (did you know that is the name of Erica’s new show?) started.

 

(True, I loved seeing Al Leiter. I confess to almost worshipping any pitcher’s mound he happens to be standing on. And he does great game commentary as well, but I digress.)

 

That aside, it was pure Erica camp and much more palatable than Desiree Dubois Does the Desert.  Every conversation was really about Erica and New Beginnings (did you know that is the name of Erica’s new show?).

 

Yet the mostly purely Erica moment came not during New Beginnings (did you know that was the name of Erica’s new show?) but backstage during intermission. Reggie runs up to her, congratulates her, and apologizes for being late because his basketball game ran into overtime.

 

Erica accepts her son’s adulation and in pure Erica fashion, does not ask Reggie if his team won or not.

 

Damn, sometimes those AMC writers get a moment just right, don’t they?

 

What will be right and what will be wrong with this week’s spoilers? Let’s see, shall we?

 

There is no wedding like a Pine Valley wedding:

 

Garret watches Danielle as she gets out of the shower.

 

As much as this creeps me out, it will be interesting how Garret spins this to seem normal.

 

Josh shows up at the wedding and punches Garret.

 

Geesh, and all that happened at my wedding was a drunk minister. And the D.C. SWAT team doing a drug bust.

 

Dani tells everyone what Garret has been doing to her.

 

It would not after all be PV if she told Derek and Mimi before the wedding, now would it?

 

Livia believes Dani, Mimi does not.

 

Thank goodness for Aunt Livia, but where is Derek?

 

Everyone leaves. Mimi weds Garret with only Jack and Livia in attendance.

 

I am hoping Jack and Livia are sticking around to support Mimi just in case she comes to her senses. Again I ask, where is Derek?

 

Reggie tells Dani that he loves her and always will. Oh, and he believes her about Garret.

 

That is sweet, Reggie, really it is, but where the heck is Derek?

 

Mimi and Garret are not the only newlyweds:

 

Down in Crow Hollow, Adam and Krystal engage in a moonshine drinking competition.

 

Couldn’t they have just gone out and gigged frogs or something?

 

When they wake up the next morning they are more than just naked and hung over, they are married!

 

This could make Adam swear off drinking forever.

 

Adam views their marriage as a trifling problem easily dealt with; Krystal sees it as a way to get half of Adam’s fortune.

 

I am thinking perhaps Adam should give Renée Zellweger’s attorney a call. 

 

Meanwhile in Lavery Land:

 

JenniferJuniper, I mean JonathanJulian makes it through surgery.

 

Jonathan is so crazy that he thinks Ryan is Patrick, but he does not freak out when the hospital staff calls him “Julian”? Or at least look confused?

 

Ryan wants Erin to call Greenlee.

 

And what good purpose would that serve Ryan? Oh I answered it myself, it would serve Ryan and that’s all that matters.

 

On this week’s episode of Di and the Dragon:

 

Tad pleads with DiDixie to tell him who is trying to kill Julia.

 

I am not sure why Tad cares anymore. I am starting to think Noah purposely ran into the Dragon’s gunfire just to get away from Julia.

 

DiDixie carefully and slowly explains that if she tells all, she, herself, will be killed. She does let on that Kevin knows who the Dragon is.

 

How convenient that there are direct flights from PV to Bangkok. Will Tad take one? Do I care?

 

Julia pulls a gun on DiDixie and demands to know about the Dragon.

 

Have we ever had a murder/suicide in PV? I am starting to think it’s about time we did.

 

Julia just cannot bring herself to shoot DiDixie. DiDixie asks Julia to spend the night in her room.

 

“Oh, I would love to but can we pop down to the Blue Angel for a night cap first?”

 

Once again Zach confronts Tad about Di. Once again Tad threatens to hurt Zach if he puts DiDixie in danger.

 

Whip ‘em out, boys, and measure them so we can move on, OK?

 

Garret is surprised when Di shows up asking for a favor.

 

“Do you still have friends at ATWT? Are they recasting Rosanna? Can you get me in for a reading?”

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

Jamie warns Babe that messing with JR can be dangerous.

 

Is Jamie jealous of JR? Or of Babe?

 

Kendall comforts Greenlee, who is missing Ryan.

 

“As I told Zach, I loved Ryan and now I love you. Why don’t you let me make you feel better the way I used to make Ryan feel better?” “OK, but how about if we pop down to the Blue Angel for a non-alcoholic nightcap first?”

 

And here is to another week in the Valley.

 

Kate

 

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Mon, Sep. 12th, 2005, 11:45 am

 

For the week of Sept 12, 2005


There is a new hard-ass in the Valley and his name is Derek Frye. For a moment there I thought I was watching NYPD Blue.  Man, those perps in PV had better start lawyering up soon if they know what’s good for them. 

 

And this is not a criticism of Charles Parnell who it seems can act. It’s just that Derek is not acting like, well, Derek. In those scenes with Mimi the sarcastic banter was missing. Derek’s sense of the absurdity of life in the Valley was absent. And I missed it.

 

It’s just hard to imagine this Derek hanging out in a Hawaiian print shirt and shorts on his day off, isn’t it?

 

Adam looked damn fine in his day off attire didn’t he?  And later in the alley with his hair all mussed up. Sigh. That made it almost possible for me to ignore the chemistry between Krystal and Adam. Almost. Bobbie Eakes is a fine actress who brings more nuances to Krystal than the writers give her. And Krystal shines in scenes with Adam far more than she did in scenes with Tad and David. However, pursuing Krystal is a decidedly un-Adam like move. No one in PV, save Palmer, holds a grudge like Adam. RealAdam would never forgive Krystal for keeping him from his grandson and hurting JR. I know I am nowhere near forgiving her nor should Adam be.

 

It’s not that I can never forgive a character’s bad behavior.  For example, I have a strong dislike for what DiDixie is doing to the people she claims to love. Yet much of that could have been forgiven had she said, when Krystal answered the door at the Pine Cone, “Girlfriend, what the hell are you wearing?” That bustier blouse combo was an unfortunate marriage between Frederick’s of Hollywood and the GAP.  Kelli Giddish gets points for getting through those scenes without cracking up. Bobbie Eakes not quite so much since she didn’t have to look at herself while delivering lines.

 

The blouse really reminded me of Trick or Treating in the Midwest when, invariably, we would have to wear our costumes over other clothing to avoid freezing to death. Was Krystal confused and thought it was Halloween? No, I just think the wardrobe department was confused. Horribly.

 

Dani is confused and the poor kid is getting advice from idiots. “If the guy’s innocent, I’ll see it.” If Josh is able to tell, without a doubt, someone’s guilt or innocence by listening to them, shouldn’t he have his own TV show instead of producing Erica’s?

 

Dani does not want to upset anyone, so she keeps quiet. That’s very realistic, but she needs help. Where should she turn? My advice would be either to Myrtle or Tom. Myrtle’s instincts are usually spot on (Jamie being a blind spot). And Tom is a compassionate guy who could help Dani decide what is the best course of action for her. His years of involvement with AA have given him the experience necessary to help Dani sort out what is her responsibility and what is not. Mimi’s happiness is not Dani’s responsibility.

 

This won’t happen of course because the writers have forgotten that Olivia is married and they cannot seem to find anything else for Simone, Ethan and Josh to do.

 

The writers certainly have no trouble finding grand glorious things for Babe to do. There is a certain irony in Babe saving Lil’Adam from drowning considering she let JR think the baby had drowned in the Hooskenny, but no one pointed that out. Instead one of JR’s evil evil schemes, letting Babe think Mirabess was snatched from the park, was brought up again.  Alexa Havins was good in the hospital scenes, certainly far more interesting than in any scene she ever shared with Jamie, but I just cannot get past her letting two people believe their child was dead.  Even if Babe starts gluing the wings back on butterflies as quickly as JR rips them off, I won’t forgive her. (What, wait, you did not know that was JR “666” Chandler’s hobby?)

 

Whatever went down between Kendall and Del, they have forgiven each other. Although it must seem strange to her that while she has aged, he has grown younger.

 

More importantly, why did Del refer to Julia merely as “Maria’s sister”?   Julia was Del’s first friend in the Valley.  They had a relationship that was quite separate from his relationship with Maria.

 

It was fun watching Greens get all bent out of shape because Del was horning in on her alone time with Kendall. Actually it was just fun that watching Greens was fun again.

 

Oh how I wished that Zach had asked Greens and Kendall what they had been out doing! “Well, first Greenlee sang me a love song at a karaoke bar, and then we went to The Blue Angel for a pousse café. After that we headed over to U-Haul to rent a truck for moving my stuff in.”

 

I am not disappointed that Zach knows about the baby scheme. Kendall is pretty much an immovable force so how will he stop his wife? Maybe he will just find a way to make certain that she is not carrying !!!!RYAN”S BABY!!!! , but someone else’s.  Like his.

 

The bad thing about a Kendall/Zach offspring is the amount of Ethan pouting we would have to endure. “Oh of course my father, Zach Slater, wanted nothing to do with me, but now that a new baby is on the way…”

 

(If I am finding Ethan a little annoying lately it’s because it has been too long since we have seen him in suspenders.)

 

“My head hurts.”  I had great sympathy for Jonathan when he said that.  My head hurts, too, when I have to see Ryan. And it’s going to hurt even more when Erin starts running all over PV making excuses for his behavior.

 

Jonathan’s behavior is caused by a brain tumor, but what is the explanation for the arrogance, lack of self-knowledge and complete lack of gratitude in Ryan saying to Zach, “I’m not as self-centered and as screwed-up as you are.” I do not think major assitude is caused by brain tumors.

 

Ryan is just one example of a growing trend on AMC of having characters who are so blind they cannot see. Del is not the brightest light in the Valley but Tad is hardly in a position to say to him, “You get dumber every time you come around”, when Tad’s IQ started plummeting years ago.  Tad, pluck the idiot splinter from you own eye and then maybe you can start criticizing others’ brain activity or lack thereof.

 

Maybe Anger Girl has good reason to see only her own misery but why, in the talk about WPP hardships, does she never mention Noah’s mother, who went into the program with them? Just asking.

 

In an effort to end on a positive note, it made me smile when Kendall told Zach, “You are not the boss of me.” Why? Because her forthrightness was refreshing in a town full of people who are anything but.

 

On an even more positive note, this is my 5th Anniversary of writing for EOS. As always, I want to thank Katrina for giving me this opportunity. I want to thank the readers who have been with me since the beginning, through five years of ups and downs, both onscreen and off. And welcome to readers who have only recently discovered the site and my column. Let’s hope there are brighter days ahead for us, both in the Valley and out.

 

Will this week’s spoilers having us thinking brighter Valley thoughts or not? Let’s see:

 

Let’s start up North where lack of medical insurance, or a Canadian health ID card, is no impediment to getting fine care and a private room:

 

The doctor tells Ryan and Erin that Jonathan has a brain tumor. This tumor has caused Jonathan’s violent and irrational behavior.

 

“Can I use that excuse, too, Doctor, I mean it worked for Liza Colby and if it works for my brother, why not me?” “No, Ryan, you will have to find your own excuse for your inexcusable behavior. But I would be happy to perform surgery to shut down the part of your brain that controls lip-licking.”

 

The doctor says the tumor was caused by years of physical abuse. 

 

Highly unlikely. Where is Ms. Vera Similitude when you need her?

 

 

 

Erin and Ryan explain the pluses and minuses of surgery to Jonathan.

 

“I want the surgery if it will make the ticking stop, but it’s not going to make do something weird is it? Like lick my lips all the time?”

 

Ryan tells Erin all about Greens while they wait for word on Jonathan’s surgery.

 

“Well, she used to be a really interesting person, for a self-acknowledge bitch, but hooking up with me sucked all the life out of her. God, I miss her.” “Oh, Ryan she was lucky to have you!”

 

Meanwhile, back in the place I prefer, because in this place Ryan is dead:

 

Zach continues to try and convince Kendall that having Green’s baby is a bad idea. For one thing, he knows that it will be beyond difficult for Kendall to surrender the baby after spending nine months carrying it.

 

And I know, that approximately 5 minutes after Kendall gets pregnant, Greenlee will turn on her in a really viscous hateful hurtful way. Just as having a baby cannot save a bad marriage, Kendall being pregnant will not change the basic dynamic of their relationship.

 

It’s harvest time for Greenlee when she takes the first major step in the surrogacy plan.

 

I see that Zach’s talk with Kendall did a lot of good.

 

And on this week’s episode of DiDixe and the Dragon:

 

DiDixie tells Julia she knows nothing that can help her.

 

But she does offer to share her recipe for Monkey Bread.

 

Zach tells Babe about DiDixie’s letter and that finding it might just help Babe.

 

Points to Zach for realizing that the key in getting Babe to do your bidding is to tell her what’s in it for her.

 

Unaware that they are all there on the same scavenger hunt, Tad, Babe and Julia search the Chandler tunnels for “the letter.”

 

And Keystone Cop hilarity ensues!

 

And Tad’s the winner! He asks DiDxie to explain what’s in the letter.

 

“It’s nothing, it’s just my secret recipe for Monkey Bread.”

 

Julia overhears Tad’s and DiDixie’s conversation. When Tad leaves, Julia confronts DiDixie.

 

I am hoping that once DiDixie explains, in her quietly annoying pedantic way, that all the good she has been doing will be undone if she tells what she knows, that Julia slaps her all way into Fllanview.

 

The tunnel hunt isn’t the only action at the Chandler mansion:

 

JR starts to think he has been wrong about Babe.

 

And if he keeps thinking like that, I am going to have to slap him all the way to Fllanview.

 

 

JR is a bit surprised to find Babe searching the mansion.

 

“Oh, JR, when I moved out I forgot my halo; have you seen it?”

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

After talking with Zach, Myrtle believes there is more to his feelings for Kendall than he knows.

 

If only Myrtle was younger, Kendall would not stand a chance.

 

Mimi has a chat with Aidan.

 

“Oh, I don’t why Garret, but suddenly I have this craving for spotted dick.”

 

Danielle is hurt when Reggie is less than friendly.

 

As hurt as when Reggie learned Dani had sex with Josh?

 

Erica’s talk show is a huge hit.

 

No surprise because well, she’s Erica. What worries me is that AMC could become part talk show, part soap. In which case I will have no choice but to slap Brian Frons all the way to Fllanview. And beyond.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate
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Sun, Sep. 11th, 2005, 11:48 am

 

For the week of Sept 11, 2005


Dani does not want to upset anyone, so she keeps quiet. That’s very realistic, but she needs help. Where should she turn? My advice would be either to Myrtle or Tom. Myrtle’s instincts are usually spot on (Jamie being a blind spot). And Tom is a compassionate guy who could help Dani decide what is the best course of action for her. His years of involvement with AA have given him the experience necessary to help Dani sort out what is her responsibility and what is not. Mimi’s happiness is not Dani’s responsibility.

 

This won’t happen of course because the writers have forgotten that Olivia is married and they cannot seem to find anything else for Simone, Ethan and Josh to do.

 

The writers certainly have no trouble finding grand glorious things for Babe to do. There is a certain irony in Babe saving Lil’Adam from drowning considering she let JR think the baby had drowned in the Hooskenny, but no one pointed that out. Instead one of JR’s evil evil schemes, letting Babe think Mirabess was snatched from the park, was brought up again.  Alexa Havins was good in the hospital scenes, certainly far more interesting than in any scene she ever shared with Jamie, but I just cannot get past her letting two people believe their child was dead.  Even if Babe starts gluing the wings back on butterflies as quickly as JR rips them off, I won’t forgive her. (What, wait, you did not know that was JR “666” Chandler’s hobby?)

 

Whatever went down between Kendall and Del, they have forgiven each other. Although it must seem strange to her that while she has aged, he has grown younger.

 

More importantly, why did Del refer to Julia merely as “Maria’s sister”?   Julia was Del’s first friend in the Valley.  They had a relationship that was quite separate from his relationship with Maria.

 

It was fun watching Greens get all bent out of shape because Del was horning in on her alone time with Kendall. Actually it was just fun that watching Greens was fun again.

 

Oh how I wished that Zach had asked Greens and Kendall what they had been out doing! “Well, first Greenlee sang me a love song at a karaoke bar, and then we went to The Blue Angel for a pousse café. After that we headed over to U-Haul to rent a truck for moving my stuff in.”

 

I am not disappointed that Zach knows about the baby scheme. Kendall is pretty much an immovable force so how will he stop his wife? Maybe he will just find a way to make certain that she is not carrying !!!!RYAN”S BABY!!!! , but someone else’s.  Like his.

 

The bad thing about a Kendall/Zach offspring is the amount of Ethan pouting we would have to endure. “Oh of course my father, Zach Slater, wanted nothing to do with me, but now that a new baby is on the way…”

 

(If I am finding Ethan a little annoying lately it’s because it has been too long since we have seen him in suspenders.)

 

“My head hurts.”  I had great sympathy for Jonathan when he said that.  My head hurts, too, when I have to see Ryan. And it’s going to hurt even more when Erin starts running all over PV making excuses for his behavior.

 

Jonathan’s behavior is caused by a brain tumor, but what is the explanation for the arrogance, lack of self-knowledge and complete lack of gratitude in Ryan saying to Zach, “I’m not as self-centered and as screwed-up as you are.” I do not think major assitude is caused by brain tumors.

 

Ryan is just one example of a growing trend on AMC of having characters who are so blind they cannot see. Del is not the brightest light in the Valley but Tad is hardly in a position to say to him, “You get dumber every time you come around”, when Tad’s IQ started plummeting years ago.  Tad, pluck the idiot splinter from you own eye and then maybe you can start criticizing others’ brain activity or lack thereof.

 

Maybe Anger Girl has good reason to see only her own misery but why, in the talk about WPP hardships, does she never mention Noah’s mother, who went into the program with them? Just asking.

 

In an effort to end on a positive note, it made me smile when Kendall told Zach, “You are not the boss of me.” Why? Because her forthrightness was refreshing in a town full of people who are anything but.

 

On an even more positive note, this is my 5th Anniversary of writing for EOS. As always, I want to thank Katrina for giving me this opportunity. I want to thank the readers who have been with me since the beginning, through five years of ups and downs, both onscreen and off. And welcome to readers who have only recently discovered the site and my column. Let’s hope there are brighter days ahead for us, both in the Valley and out.

 

Will this week’s spoilers having us thinking brighter Valley thoughts or not? Let’s see:

 

Let’s start up North where lack of medical insurance, or a Canadian health ID card, is no impediment to getting fine care and a private room:

 

The doctor tells Ryan and Erin that Jonathan has a brain tumor. This tumor has caused Jonathan’s violent and irrational behavior.

 

“Can I use that excuse, too, Doctor, I mean it worked for Liza Colby and if it works for my brother, why not me?” “No, Ryan, you will have to find your own excuse for your inexcusable behavior. But I would be happy to perform surgery to shut down the part of your brain that controls lip-licking.”

 

The doctor says the tumor was caused by years of physical abuse. 

 

Highly unlikely. Where is Ms. Vera Similitude when you need her?

 

 

 

Erin and Ryan explain the pluses and minuses of surgery to Jonathan.

 

“I want the surgery if it will make the ticking stop, but it’s not going to make do something weird is it? Like lick my lips all the time?”

 

Ryan tells Erin all about Greens while they wait for word on Jonathan’s surgery.

 

“Well, she used to be a really interesting person, for a self-acknowledge bitch, but hooking up with me sucked all the life out of her. God, I miss her.” “Oh, Ryan she was lucky to have you!”

 

Meanwhile, back in the place I prefer, because in this place Ryan is dead:

 

Zach continues to try and convince Kendall that having Green’s baby is a bad idea. For one thing, he knows that it will be beyond difficult for Kendall to surrender the baby after spending nine months carrying it.

 

And I know, that approximately 5 minutes after Kendall gets pregnant, Greenlee will turn on her in a really viscous hateful hurtful way. Just as having a baby cannot save a bad marriage, Kendall being pregnant will not change the basic dynamic of their relationship.

 

It’s harvest time for Greenlee when she takes the first major step in the surrogacy plan.

 

I see that Zach’s talk with Kendall did a lot of good.

 

And on this week’s episode of DiDixe and the Dragon:

 

DiDixie tells Julia she knows nothing that can help her.

 

But she does offer to share her recipe for Monkey Bread.

 

Zach tells Babe about DiDixie’s letter and that finding it might just help Babe.

 

Points to Zach for realizing that the key in getting Babe to do your bidding is to tell her what’s in it for her.

 

Unaware that they are all there on the same scavenger hunt, Tad, Babe and Julia search the Chandler tunnels for “the letter.”

 

And Keystone Cop hilarity ensues!

 

And Tad’s the winner! He asks DiDxie to explain what’s in the letter.

 

“It’s nothing, it’s just my secret recipe for Monkey Bread.”

 

Julia overhears Tad’s and DiDixie’s conversation. When Tad leaves, Julia confronts DiDixie.

 

I am hoping that once DiDixie explains, in her quietly annoying pedantic way, that all the good she has been doing will be undone if she tells what she knows, that Julia slaps her all way into Fllanview.

 

The tunnel hunt isn’t the only action at the Chandler mansion:

 

JR starts to think he has been wrong about Babe.

 

And if he keeps thinking like that, I am going to have to slap him all the way to Fllanview.

 

 

JR is a bit surprised to find Babe searching the mansion.

 

“Oh, JR, when I moved out I forgot my halo; have you seen it?”

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

After talking with Zach, Myrtle believes there is more to his feelings for Kendall than he knows.

 

If only Myrtle was younger, Kendall would not stand a chance.

 

Mimi has a chat with Aidan.

 

“Oh, I don’t why Garret, but suddenly I have this craving for spotted dick.”

 

Danielle is hurt when Reggie is less than friendly.

 

As hurt as when Reggie learned Dani had sex with Josh?

 

Erica’s talk show is a huge hit.

 

No surprise because well, she’s Erica. What worries me is that AMC could become part talk show, part soap. In which case I will have no choice but to slap Brian Frons all the way to Fllanview. And beyond.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate
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Sun, Sep. 4th, 2005, 11:50 am

 

For the week of Sept 4, 2005

One good lie deserves another

 

                      The Hunkle Family Motto

 

Those Hunkles are something, aren’t they?  DiDixie’s whole life is a lie and Del is blackmailing her with the possibility of revealing it. Ordinarily I don’t care for blackmailers, unless his name is David, but all I can say to big old Hunkleberry Hound Del is “Go for it!”

 

DiDixie is going to be exposed as a fraud sooner rather than later anyway so why shouldn’t Del enjoy the highlife, Chandler-style? It’s worth it to me just to hear Adam say things like, “Set a spell.” That silver-tongued smoothie can slip back into the Pigeon Hollow vernacular as easily as he slips into his red silk pajamas.  When he needs to. And he needs to in order to protect JR. Although his deeds will undoubtedly be seen as evil. Like son, like father.

 

Although I do wonder why Adam cannot send an investigator to Crow Hollow to find out how many Hunkles there are.  Oh dear for a moment there I almost took a little ride on the Mobius Strip Highway.

 

Now that we know DiDixie’s true identity, she can leave. Only because I don’t want to listen to another new character endlessly justifying doing horrible things in the name of love. I had over a year of that with the Concubine Conspiracy and that was enough to last me quite awhile.

 

Plus DiDixie’s machinations have set in play another Concubine Conspiracy, the one that somehow will lead from JR’s bed to full custody of AdamIII for Babe.  And how do the Careys justify their latest scheme? Why because if Babe played by the rules it would be 10 years before she could try, legally, for full custody. Poor Babe. Maybe it’s me who has a problem, but I cannot get past remembering that Babe was planning on Bianca never getting “custody” of Miranda, until there was a baby Babe wanted more than Binky’s. And then she planned on JR never getting “custody” of AdamIII.

 

If the AMC writers only could admit that the Careys are lying, baby-stealing grifters with a truly twisted sense of entitlement then perhaps I could enjoy them. As long I am supposed to view them as put upon victims who are inherently more moral than the Chandlers, I cannot.

 

Back to Del. He can follow his sister out of town, but not until we find out what happened with Kendall. When he and Kendall left town they were together and happy. Now they are not and I want to know why. And you know how crabby I can be when I don’t get what I want.

 

As long as Del is in town, however, JR should watch his back. Literally. After all, as far as I can figure, JR is geographically closest on Uncle Hunkleberry’s organ donor list.

 

Del and DiDixie were not the only family reunion in PV. Julia reunited with her nephew Sam. Didn’t she wonder why Sam was living with Tad? After all if she did not know Eddie died, she certainly would not have known that Sam knows he is, biologically, a Martin.  Of course Julia cannot see anything past her own anger. A few years ago on GH, Taggert always referred to Jason Morgan as “Anger Boy.” I think we have Jason’s twin in Julia, who is quickly earning the right to be called “Anger Girl.”

 

Sam has decided to help Aunt Anger Girl bring down the Dragon. Yeah, right. Just once when a soap adolescent says something ridiculous like that I wish someone would say. “That’s nice but you cannot help, because YOU ARE A CHILD!”

 

Sam certainly proved he was child this week when he told Lily about Julia and then took Lily over to Greenlee’s. You would think someone with all his professed maturity would have realized how much hurt Lily’s ghost report would cause Greens, but then you would be thinking more than Sam was. Jackson may be thinking that mainstreaming is working really well for Lily but I do no think it is working out so well for the rest of PV.

 

Just as hiding out in Erin’s closet has not worked out so well for Jonathan.  Clearly there is no escaping Ryan.  Although it was interesting to watch the two brothers shouting at each other while I was shouting, “Push the button, Jonathan, push the button!”   

 

True I am enjoying Erin and Jonathan but I would gladly give them up if it meant losing Ryan permanently. I cannot bear the thought of Ryan returning to Pine Valley. I just know this scene is coming:

 

Jackson: “You mean to tell me that Ryan PRETENDED to be dead? I ask you this, Erica, how could Ryan do that to my daughter?”

 

Erica: “Oh, Jack, he was just upset.”

 

I would have to be sniffing the same dry cleaning fumes as the Laverys in order for me to enjoy Ryan’s return.

 

I did have a teeny tiny revelation this week about why I can tolerate Jonathan’s screaming yet have such a low tolerance for Ryan’s: it’s because even when Jonathan is out of control there is always something going on in his eyes. Be it torment, pain, insanity or grief, there is always a reminder of the person inside. When Ryan starts one of his tirades his eye are just glaring with no brain activity behind them.

 

Now Zach has a very active brain. Whether he is running his casinos, helping Ryan stay dead and Julia stay alive, or chatting up Myrtle, Zach’s brain is usually clicking on all cylinders. I say usually because calling his wife a “bitch” was a bit of a misstep. I admit I have on occasion called Kendall a bitch, but she is not my wife.

 

Those around me will tell you that I always say I would rather be called “bitch” than “ma’am” because “ma’am” just sounds so old.  But that’s just me.

 

And me, or rather, I was very happy to see Opal and Palmer this week. And Brooke. And of course my beloved Myrtle. Myrtle’s line, where she referred to Del as being “not the top of the litter” was perfect, as was Zach holding her hand.  AMC got that so right, how can it get so much so wrong?

 

Will this week’s spoilers be getting things right or wrong? Let’s see:

 

Monday, Labor Day, is a repeat. It is an episode where Ryan does a lot of shouting. In the fight club.

 

As for me, I would not complain (I promise) if they replayed the fan fantasy episode each time they need a repeat. I never tire of Joe and Erica discussing their love child.

 

On this week’s episode of DiDixie and the Dragon!

 

Zach confronts Tad about what DiDixie knows about the Dragon. Tad refuses to believe that DiDixies knows anything.

 

Zach is quicker, better read and undoubtedly better in bed than Tad. No wonder Tad hates him. That said, of course Tad believes that DiDixie wouldn’t lie to him.  Tad is one of those liars who is always surprised when someone dares to lie to him.

 

Shaken, but not stirred, by his confrontation with Zach, Tad confronts DiDixie about Kevin. He tells her that if she spills what she knows, she will be saving Julia’s life.

 

The big question is does DiDIxie know that Dixie knows Julia?

 

Realizing that if she helps Julia, her lies will be exposed, DiDixie turns to Krystal for help.

 

Well, who better to help a con artist than a fellow con artist? Because despite all her good intentions and pedantic lecturing, that is exactly what DiDixie is.

 

Oh, no! DiDixie is kidnapped! Don’t worry though, it’s only Zach who takes her to his cabin.

 

Is there anyone in Pine Valley who doesn’t have a cabin?

 

Ghosts from Julia’s past haunt her.

 

Geesh, is there anyone in Pine Valley who isn’t haunted by ghosts from their past?

 

In full Anger Girl mode, Julia confronts Tad and DiDixie about what they know that she doesn’t.

 

Is this before Zach kidnaps DiDixie or not? If it’s after, do they have a four-way at the cabin? Strip poker anyone?

 

Up north in yet another cabin:

 

Ryan promises Zach that he will stay dead.

 

And  of course we wouldn’t expect Ryan to break a promise to Zach now would we?

 

Erin realizes that she and Jonathan were not the only ones who suffered as children, Ryan suffered, too.

 

Oh goody, now Ryan can break into that not very secure construction site and steal some wood to build a bigger martyr’s cross for himself.

 

Back in the life Ryan left behind:

 

When Kendall refuses Greenlee’s suggestions that she divorce Zach, Greens says maybe Kendall is falling in love with him.

 

Of course she is, because in MMT’s world a husband calling his wife a bitch is considered but a prelude to romance.

 

Zach realizes what Kendall and Greenlee are up to.

 

“Look, bitch, if you are having anyone’s baby, you are having mine.”  Sigh. Isn’t love swell?

 

Kendall and Greens go out on a date. Later they make out for hours.

 

OK, I made most of that up. Kendall and Greens do go out and have a good time, though.

 

Meanwhile over at the Chander Mansion:

 

Adam discovers something about Del that Hunkleberry would like to keep secret.

 

Insert your own “Farmer-in-the-del” joke here.

 

Krystal proves to Adam that she is just as tricky as he is.

 

I hate this because for Adam that constitutes foreplay.

 

Lil’Adam (in Krystal-speak) takes a header into the pool. Babe saves him. JR is happy and well, a bit turned on.

 

And I am, well, a bit turned off. Even Babe saving a drowning child does not save her in my eyes.

 

Babe sees Amanda and Jamie together. JR sees Amanda and Jamie together.

 

I do not want to see Jamie and Amanda together again until the AMC writers start watching better porn. A line like “You must be a sexual psychic” sounds like really bad porn, doesn’t it? Not that I would know anything about porn, bad or otherwise.

 

One other thing happens, too:

 

Danielle, Ethan, Josh and Simone plan to trap Garrett.

 

Does the PV hardware store sell a rattrap that big?

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate
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Sun, Aug. 28th, 2005, 11:55 am

 

For the week of Aug 28, 2005

I think I have been watching AMC for too long. There was DiDixie telling Del her heart wrenching story and all I could think was, “Why is she telling Melanie’s story to Del? And how does she even know Melanie’s story?”  Melanie, Dixie’s and Will’s sister was sent, at a very young age, to live with an aunt because their mother was unable to care for her. The only real difference seems to be that Melanie got piano lessons and DiDixie did not.

Despite being separated for most of their lives, Dixie and Melanie were close. I recall Dixie telling Del that when she was with Melanie they felt like sisters, but she did not feel that sibling attachment to him. While they became closer after the kidney transplant, they never seemed especially close. Which is why I am puzzled as to how DiDixie got all that intimate Dixie information from Del. Once Del left for Florida with Kendall, Dixie never mentioned him again except in context of the complications she experienced as a result of the transplant. Oh well, maybe Dixie was a blogger before blogging even existed, when it was just keeping a diary online. (And if so, can I please read the parts where she talks about having sex with David?)

 

So there I am pondering these things instead of paying attention to the story at hand. As I said maybe I have been watching AMC for too long. Or, maybe the TPTB at AMC haven’t been watching it long enough.

 

DiDixie fits right into the PV landscape doesn’t she? Doing reprehensible things to people to get what she wants, Dixie’s life, while justifying it as doing them for love.

 

And I don’t quite see what good having her around has really done JR. True, he now has his “mother” standing by his side. Standing by his side as Jamie says horrible things about, and to, him. Just once she could tell Jamie to back off. Just once. Is that asking too much?

 

I almost gave Jamie points this week when he said he wasn’t blaming JR for the breakup with Babe. Those points were cancelled by the demerits he got for berating JR while his brother was in the process of releasing his inheritance.

 

Jamie should be counting his lucky stars, along with his millions that his inheritance was nothing like what the Lavery kids inherited. (Can Jamie count that high?)

 

I am finding three Lavery kids much easier to take than one kid, especially if that one Lavery kid is Ryan. Erin and Jonathan are a good counterbalance to Ryan’s almost preening self-absorption. Does that man ever listen to anyone? He was so wrapped up in his own needs that he did not even comprehend that his presence was bad for Jonathan.  It was so Ryan to turn to Erin while Jonathan was falling apart and say. “Do something. Stop this.” It is Ryan’s m.o. to expect others to take responsibility for, and clean up, messes he has made.

 

True, Erin and Ryan both got into that sibling argument about who was best suited to care for Jonathan. Yet Erin’s desires to be her brother’s caretaker came from a genuine need to do what was best for Jonathan. As usual, Ryan’s need to control the situation and to be in the right, came directly from his need to feel better about himself.

 

Of course Jonathan needs to be hospitalized. Getting him to agree to it is another thing altogether. And arranging for one “dead’ US citizen to get another “dead’ US citizen admitted to a Canadian hospital would be another problem in itself, although I doubt it will be addressed. After all, when PV residents leave home, they don’t just carry travelers cheques they also carry the unique ability to transcend logic as we know it.

 

Is it logical that the PVPD has only two cars at the entrance to Wildwind and nowhere else around the property’s perimeter? Of course not, but I can live with it. I can live with it because, well, I am not exactly sure why, except that this story is taking screen time away from Ryan and Jamie and Babe and that can only be a good thing. And it gives Kendall something to do besides ponder the wonderfulness of carrying Ryan’s baby. Plus it gives us the Fyres more often. For that alone, I can tolerate a few illogical things. And to see more of the Fryes, I can even tolerate Julia.

 

We had “Proteus” and now we have “Dragon.” Why don’t PV crime bosses ever have names like Sid?

 

Who is the Dragon a.k.a. the top dog?  I would love it if it turned out to be a not-very-dead Roger Smythe. I can see Mary getting her La Perla panties in a twist because he has not been sharing his ill-gotten gains with his ex-wife.

 

Years ago on GH, a crime boss called “Mr. Big” turned out to be the police commissioner. Could Derrick turn out to be the Dragon? With a recast coming, it’s possible.

 

I am really going to miss William Christianson’s Derek. I know I am repeating myself, but this week’s scenes with Derek and Mimi just reinforced that with me.

 

Could Garrett turn out to be both a creepy step dad and a mob boss? Perhaps. After all, calling yourself an entrepreneur can cover a multitude of sins.

 

Did anyone else’s opinion of Livia drop just a little bit when she was so easily swayed by Garrett’s charms?

 

If Dani really wants to know about Garrett, she should have him meet Myrtle. After all, Myrtle has the best BS detector in town.

 

Although David is no slouch in that area. I believe the reason he did not crumble when Babe threatened, yet again, to toss him aside if he did not do her bidding, was because he knew her threat was BS. Sooner or later, she will need him and come waltzing back through his door as if nothing had happened.

 

Will JR also be smart enough to see through Babe? He will probably be too wracked with DiDixie pain to see much of anything. And we all know that if he does figure out what Babe intends, and calls her on it, it will only be further proof that he is evil, pure and simple evil.

 

Greg may not be evil but anyone who lies as quickly and as well as he did this week has had a lot of experience doing just that.

 

Back to David for a moment. If we could see him in jeans just once a week, I would let a lot of my grievances slide, at least for that episode.

 

The big question this week is not who is Dragon or is Dani right about Garret but rather who is going to tell Maria that her favorite rug is ruined?

 

And now, some pre-spoiler spoilers. On Soapnet this week some upcoming “soap secrets” were revealed for all three ABC soaps. Here are the big reveals for AMC:

 

Jonathan’s bad behavior has been caused by a brain tumor.

 

I can buy that, but what’s Ryan’s excuse for behaving badly?

 

The surprise turns out to be what caused the tumor.

 

Can having a chronic lip licker as a brother cause a tumor? No, but living over a dry cleaner and inhaling those fumes just might. How many times have we heard how awful those fumes were?  (And if I am right, all those years attending Society of Toxicology meetings will finally have paid off.)

 

Then the question will be, who is responsible? Did Alexander Cambias make his first million as a dry cleaner supplier?

 

Kendall gets pregnant, but things are not as simple as they appear.

 

Why should we expect anything different? After all, she lives in Pine Valley where the simple is made complex and the complex made simple.

 

Adam and Krystal marry.

 

I will wait to see how this plays out. After all, I enjoyed watching Adam’s marriage to Arlene. The difference is, of course, that I liked Arlene.

 

And now to this week’s spoilers. Will they have us getting our kickers in a knot or not?

 

Things get even wilder at Wildwind:

 

Both Zach and Julia survive the attack at Wildwind.

 

Thank goodness. Not because they survived but because this means there is nothing wrong with my VCR. It seemed like it freaked on Friday and recorded the end of General Hospital instead of AMC. After all a handsome couple hitting the floor while being showered with bullets and broken glass is pretty much of an everyday occurrence in Port Charles. People in PV lead very safe lives in contrast. Until now and the dawn of the day of the Dragon.

 

Mimi and Derek try to convince Zach to convince Julia to turn herself in.

 

Zach is funny. Zach is adorable. Zach is smart. But as Mimi and Derek are about to find out, damn Zach is stubborn.

 

No fool he, Zach figures out that Kendall tipped off the coppers. He is not very pleased and tells her to leave the whole thing alone.

 

Kendall can be funny. Kendall can be adorable. Kendall is smart. But, as Zach should already know, damn Kendall is stubborn.

 

Kendall admits she did what she did because she cares about Zach.

 

Only in a business partner way of course. Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge.

 

Zach spirits Julia away to a cabin in the woods.

 

Is this cabin nearby or in Canada?  How will we be able to tell? By the snowshoes of course. It’s a regulation in Canada that each and every fireplace have crossed snowshoes hanging above the mantel.

 

Sam and Lily are told the identity of Lily’s ghost—it’s Sam’s aunt Julia.

 

I wonder if Lily’s life skills class include getting payback on your boyfriend after he doubts you about something that later turns out to be true. Much more important than learning how to handle the MVD.

 

Meanwhile Julia drags herself, in drag, over to Tad’s house. Tad is surprised that Julia and Zach are looking for Di Kirby.

 

Tad is not as surprised as Di will be. What with her insisting she knows nothing that will get anyone hurt. Along with insisting she is a natural blonde.

 

DiDixie gets a mysterious warning. Tad questions her, yet again, about Kevin.

 

And once again, she insists that Kevin wasn’t nearly as good in bed as Tad. Now David on the other hand…

 

Up north in a real Canadian cabin:

 

Ryan and Erin continue to argue over what is best for Jonathan. Ryan tries to convince Erin that Jonathan is dangerous

 

For starters Ryan might try telling Erin how Braden died. And Edmund Grey. In fact I think both Lavery boys present a danger to Erin. She should head on down to PV and start hanging out at the Blue Angel.

 

Jonathan threatens to kill all three of the remaining Laverys.

 

I am getting a bit tired of Jonathan’s plans to kill Ryan. Just do it already.

 

Lily’s superb deductive reasoning may just put an end to Ryan’s plans to stay dead. Lily figures that if the ghost at Wildwind turned out to be a real person, maybe Ryan’s ghost was really Ryan.

 

I am barely dealing with the fact that Lily’s list of people she loves did not include Reggie; if she is instrumental in bringing Ryan back from the “dead” I may never forgive her.

 

Lily tells Kendall and Greenlee that Ryan may not be dead. Greenlee cannot wrap what little is left of her mind around that but Kendall thinks it may be true. And that Zach may be involved.

 

Don’t you just hate it when you start to suspect your husband helped your ex-lover fake his death? All I can say is, that’s what ended my first marriage.

 

Other stuff happens, too.

 

Jamie has sex with Amanda.

 

I am not crazy about Jamie, but I sure hope he wears a body condom.

 

Adam tells Krystal to work on Del to get information on DiDixie.

 

I hardly know this Del, but I hope he wears a body condom.

 

Brooke wants to know what DiDixie’s intentions are towards Tad.

 

Instead of doing that, Brooke should be spending some time wondering what the writers’ intentions are towards her.

 

Following Greenlee’s ridiculous advice, Dani talks to Garrett about his intentions towards her. Ever the slimy one, Garrett turns it around on Dani, making it seem like she has a crush on him.

 

If Lamman gets any better at playing Garrett as a sleazeball, I am going to have to start wearing a body condom during his scenes.

 

And here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate

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Sun, Aug. 21st, 2005, 11:53 am

 

For the week of Aug 21 2005

I have a bit of the chicken and the egg situation going on here. I cannot decide if watching AMC is making my vertigo worse or if my vertigo is making my AMC viewing almost intolerable.

 

Vertigo is a wacky thing, indeed. If I try to walk without a cane I find myself veering towards the left, walking in circles covering the same ground over and over. Rather reminiscent of watching the same dialogue between DiDixie and JR in scene after scene.

 

If I manage to walk forward, I take two steps forward and then several steps sideways. Making little progress and confusing the hell out of me. Rather reminiscent of trying to follow any storyline on AMC right now.

 

Watching me try to walk to the mailbox my neighbors probably think I start hitting the vodka around 10 am. When really I don’t start needing the hard stuff til about halfway through my AMC tape later that evening.

 

I keep telling myself the vertigo cannot last forever and neither can the depressing travesty that is currently AMC.  After all, it is not like Megan McTavish has tenure as headwriter. (If anyone has heard differently, please do not let me know. Please.) And if we all collectively believe in the Peter Principle, Brian Frons will eventually get promoted away from daytime.

 

For now, however, we are stuck with daytime’s version of Murphy’s Law: whatever can happen to make viewing AMC more unbearable will happen.

 

Erin may be an exception that proves that rule. Once she starts having scenes without Ryan that is.

 

For now Kendall and Zach are left with the burden of being the sole exception. Their scenes are so fresh and adult, that I keep thinking there is a separate group of writers handling them. Will they ever realize that instead of taking care of others less deserving, i.e. Julia and Greenlee, they should be taking care of each other? 

 

True, the scenes with Greens and Kendall were a pleasant change, until they started talking about Ryan’s baby as if it were the next Dalai Lama. All will be right with the world once Ryan’s baby is here to guide us along. Look for a remake of Little Buddha entitled Little Ryan at your local multiplex soon.

 

How much more fun would it have been if Simone had walked in while Kendall was still kneeling behind Greenlee’s naked behind? Would Simone have wanted to make it a threesome?  Wouldn’t that have been the most fun of all?

 

I felt badly for Simone. She will always be Fusion’s third wheel.  Why not break her out of that by having Brooke re-hire her at Tempo? With a mob crime wave about to hit PV, Simone’s journalism background could be put to good use. And Ethan could ride shotgun on her adventures.

 

That would mean giving Brooke a storyline, which does not seem to be in the cards. (If you would like to do something about that, check out www.thebarrassociation.tripod.com As my readers know, I don’t usually rally around particular actors but my later father was a Julia Barr/Brooke fan.)

 

As badly as I feel for Simone, I feel worse for Kendall. I could live with her being the Patron Saint of the Disenfranchised, but did they have to make her the Patron Saint of the Disenfranchised Embryo, too?

 

Especially since it is Ryan’s Baby, as we keep being reminded a thousand times in a scene. Any road that leads Kendall anywhere near Ryan, is a bad one.

 

Erin is the only woman in Ryan’s life smart enough to tell him to hit the road. Repeatedly. Of course Ryan interprets that to mean “break into my house and go through my belongings.”  Ryan has serious boundary issues. In some cultures I understand it is even called “breaking and entering.”

 

I am having serious David issues. I love David. Or rather, I love how Vincent Irizarry plays David. Yes, David does terrible things, but he is never boring. Why, therefore, can TPTB find nothing better for him to do?

 

Of course the same could be said for Opal, Palmer, Mary, Marion, Petey, Joe, Ruth, and my beloved Myrtle.

 

I like Bobbie Eakes, but Krystal is certainly not beloved by this columnist. I wanted to smack her when she played the “Daddy” card with David. Wasn’t it just last month that she and Babe told David he was no longer a member of their family?

 

Speaking of family members, I wish I were a member of the Hunkle/Henry family for one reason and one reason only—their amazing anti-aging genes. Del and Maria were in college together and Maria is 38. Isn’t Del the youngest looking 38 year old you have ever seen?  Of course, how can we expect logic when casting decisions are made based upon whoever wins a reality show?

 

At least the conundrum of how DiDixie could possibly be this JR’s mother will be solved soon, if Di Henry turns out to be Dixie’s much, much younger half-sister. Yes, I know that actors close in age can play mother/son but Jacob Young/Kelli Giddish are not Laurence Harvey/Angela Lansbury. Or even Laurence Olivier/Eileen Herlie for that matter.

 

About JR. Just the other night my husband said something to me that JR had said to DiDixie. “ I’m going to bed, are you coming?”

 

Why do I think that once he gets over being crushed by the truth, JR will start pondering if sex with one’s half-aunt can really be considered a bad thing?

 

Kendall’s green dress was a bad thing. Any dress that looks like a pair of beaded café curtains is a bad thing.

 

Julia certainly dressed like she is back in Pine Valley. There she was hanging out at dusty Wildwind, expecting hitman to break in at any moment, wearing a little black sundress.

 

Her little trip down memory lane was sweet. Fairytale wedding and all. Of course, lascivious beast that I am, what I remember most about the wedding was Jackson’s comment about how large Noah’s codpiece was.

 

Do Julia’s plans for revenge seem incomplete to you? She is planning on taking someone out, as soon as she figures out who that someone is. Someone those darn incompetent Feds could not find, but Julia is convinced she can. But then she is a Santos. I am kind hoping Faux Isabella turns out to be the mob boss. After all, she looks more like she belongs on the Sopranos than AMC.

 

Babe’s plan seems like a really bad idea. Bad because it might work. Jamie is insufferable now, can you imagine how much worse he will become once takes God 101 at med school? Of course, I am convinced that is the only medical school class he has a chance of passing.

 

I think there should be a plan to bring Billy Clyde Tuggle back. I miss him. When DiDixie mentioned that swamp rat, I got all warm and fuzzy inside.

Will this week’s spoilers have me all warm and fuzzy or have me walking in circles? Let’s see:

 

The plan to not let the Laverys die out continues

 

Zach is not quite sure what Kendall is up to but advises her not to help Greenlee have Ryan’s baby

 

Never have I agreed with Zach more than on this one.

 

Kendall is thrilled when she realizes that Zach is clueless about her plans to be the surrogate

 

And she is clueless about Zach’s part in keeping Ryan dead. That makes them even, right?

 

When Erica finds a hypodermic at Greenlee’s she immediately heads out to confront Greg about her suspicions.

 

That Greg has a Botox source she hasn’t heard about?

 

Greg offers no answers, so Erica sets out to get David to help her.

 

Funny how everyone loathes and reviles David, yet they all wind up at his cabin, begging for help.

 

Not being a fool, David figures out what Greenlee and Kendall are up to.

 

If this leads to David/Greenlee scenes I will happy. Yet sad, too, since they have so much chemistry that will remain forever unexploited.

 

Kendall’s husband is busy, too

 

While hanging out at Wildwind, Kendall overhears Julia make plans to meet with someone.

 

I love how Wildwind is huge, but every secret phone call gets made within earshot of someone else. I remain impressed that a place with thick stone walls gets cell coverage, when I cannot make a call from my local Albertsons.

 

Julia begs Kendall not to tell Zach about the call.

 

“If you don’t tell, I’ll show you Noah’s codpiece.”

 

Julia meets this mysterious person, who pulls a gun on her.

 

Well, Julia’s plan is working well so far isn’t it?

 

Zach shows up to rescue Julia. Kendall shows up to rescue Zach. The three of them are lucky to get out alive.

 

Somehow I don’t think this is going to serve as a bonding experience between Kendall and Julia. Nor between Zach and Kendall. Unfortunately.

 

Kendall goes to have a little talk with Derek and Mimi.

 

Want to bet she offers up Julia in order to keep Zach safe? What a wifely thing to do.

 

As they are leaving Wildwind, Zach and Julia find themselves in a hail of gunfire.

 

Well, Zach’s plan is working well so far, isn’t it?

 

As much as I don’t want to, let’s head up to Nova Scotia

 

Ryan is more than a little surprised when he finds Jonathan in Erin’s closet.

 

But the question is, having said, “There is no guy and there never will be” is Erin in the closet or not?

 

Ryan’s surprise escalates when he realizes Jonathan is insane.

 

Are you kidding me? It would be surprising if Ryan discovered Jonathan wasn’t  insane.

 

Turns out Erin found a wounded Jonathan in the cave and dragged him to safety. Then got him medical help. Then got him across the border with no papers. And then rented a Martin-style house with a secret room.

 

All I can say is, what a woman!

 

Ryan refuses to leave, insisting that he knows what the best plan is for taking care of Jonathan.

 

Yeah, because Ryan’s plan for taking care of Jonathan worked out so well last time, didn’t it? I think it’s time Ryan started taking anti-psychotics, himself. After all, isn’t one definition of insanity repeating the same actions over and over, expecting a different result?

 

Back in the Valley

 

JR gets a different view of Babe

 

Josh sends him pictures?  It still clear, to me anyway, that JR loves Babe. Poor sap.

 

Jamie insists he is through with Babe.

 

Good decision Jamie. Now get on a plane and go to school somewhere far far away. Broken hearts heal faster out of town. Waaay out of town.

 

Babe is determined to get AdamIII away from JR.

 

I know this is supposed to make her seem like a Mama bear protecting her cub, but she just seems like a child who doesn’t like to share her toys with others.

 

Babe goes to see David, but her father does not agree to help her.

 

“But you don’t understand, now I want you to be my Daddy.” I am truly enjoying how David is not giving Babe and Krystal what they want.

 

Sam and Lily go on a date. Reggie follows them. Lily gets angry with her brother.

 

And I am angry with the writers for not finding anything better for Reggie to do with his time.

 

Julia and Zach are amazed at how annoying Sam and Lily can be.

 

OK, I lied, In truth, Zach and Julia are amazed at how innocent Lily and Sam are.

 

And we have Fryes with our order this week!

 

Garrett starts to make Danielle uncomfortable. She shares her concerns with Simone.

 

Now this could be good, simply because Dani is doing the right thing in talking to someone about it. And it gives Simone something interesting to do.

 

Garrett starts to cozy up to Livia.

 

Is it too much to hope that Livia’s knee makes a swift move towards Garrett’s groin?

 

Oh those AMC actors:

 

I am not Joshing around on this one. Scott Kinworthy has been replaced by Colin Egglesworth.  We can expect to see the nuJosh in mid-September.

 

This recast only adds fuel to the rumor fire that Josh is indeed a Kane.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate
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