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Sun, Dec. 25th, 2005, 01:03 pm

 

For the week of December 26, 2005

 

Rudolph the teal nosed Reindeer

Had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it

You would even say

“That’s not red, it’s not even rose!”

 

 

The Lily red thing is driving me nuts. So nuts that I have been driven to do a poor parody of a Christmas classic. Lily is bothered by red, except when she isn’t.  She needs to wear sunglasses to avoid getting upset. (And don’t ask me about her peripheral vision, OK? Please don’t since I am trying not to rant too much this holiday season.) And yet she could see, sans sunglasses, the red PINE CONE sign while facing Erin and Aidan without being fazed at all.  And wouldn’t Erin’s burgundy velvet top fall into the red color range? Not to mention Erin’s red hair?

 

Red clothing upsets her yet Erica has been wearing red almost every day. Even a narcissist like Erica would show some consideration for her stepdaughter’s needs. How come Jack has never said to his wife, “Ixnay ethay edray othesclay alreadyway.” And how come Lily insists on going out on holidays where red runs rampant? Or hasn’t the Life Skills class gotten around to avoiding stressful situations?

 

This is what I need: I need Lily to make a list from the Pantone Color Guide of which reds upset her and which do not. That would certainly stop me from seeing red each time Lily doesn’t, how about you?

 

My stress while watching Tad “Mop Top” Martin dropped a bit this week when he said to Ryan, “If he’s innocent then so are you. Your road to redemption runs right up your brother’s back.”  That was incredibly insightful on Tad’s part.  I agree that Ryan sees his redemption as tied to Jonathan’s. Which is why, more than ever, I want Jonathan to be faking his recovery.

 

I am not certain that Ryan can be redeemed no matter what happens with Jonathan. After all, we are to believe that Jonathan sans tumor will never do anything bad again. We are not aware of Jonathan doing anything bad, like murder or girlfriend beating, since his return to PV.  On the other hand Ryan is still pretty much the belligerent ass he has been since he returned from his walkabout in the desert.  Aidan very politely asked Ryan to let go of his arm. Several times. Ryan continued grabbing Aidan and pushing him back until the Christmas tree fell over. Just like Patrick Lavery, né Curry, would have done. 

 

(Much like wanting to know the answer about Lily and red, I also want to know why, at some point, all the Curry clan adopted Mrs. Curry’s maiden name, Lavery.)

 

Ryan’s fans might now mention how nice Ryan was to Kendall at the Wildwind-not-Wildwind chapel.  I believe it was only because Ryan was distracted by the bright shiny object that was his St. Christopher medal.

 

A true Christmas miracle did happen in the Wildwind-not-Wildwind chapel. Not that Kendall decided to continue the pregnancy, but that she actually said a few nice things about the Harts. I confess to a few quicktears when Kendall revealed how much Alice loved her, no matter how unlovable Kendall behaved. Does that mean Kendall will tell Alice about her pregnancy? Probably not, but it was a nice moment nonetheless.

 

There have been many nice moments since Bianca returned. I am not just talking about the ones that played in my head when Binky offered her sister a massage either. Josh acted positively awake while talking with Bianca. Zach was glowing in the presence of Binky and Miranda. And the Kane sisters manipulating Erica out of the condo was more AMC fun than I have had in ages.

 

I do not think Bianca is a saint by any means. I find her behavior quite often frustrating. However, this week I did realize why everyone on the Valley loves her. It is because Bianca, as an adult, has the rare gift of making other people feel better about themselves. No wonder they flock to her whenever she is in town. I just wish Binks would stop making Babe feel better about herself.

 

There is another reason to hang out with Bianca and that is Miranda. Who could resist her saying, “missing, missing, missing” when she showed up at  New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?)?  It is fun to see the other actors trying to keep focused while Miranda is talking, talking, talking and being adorable. It was sweet seeing how JR looked at the little girl he once loved as his own. However I did want to bitch slap Babe into next week each time she called Miranda “sweet pea.” And I am disappointed that Bianca didn’t.

 

Erica of course idolizes her granddau--, oops, I mean her daughter Bianca’s daughter.  “She is just a vision. Isn’t it amazing how she is starting to look like me?” No surprise that Erica’s narcissism extends to Miranda.  Cannot wait to see if Erica thinks Lil’Hockett looks like her, too.

 

Erica liked the looks of her new house. Jack truly has brass doesn’t he? Buying a house for a woman like Erica could be a dangerous thing. Fortunately it looks a lot like the last house Erica lived in. The house on the hill Erica had been craving since childhood. The house Trey burned down.  Shall we start a pool on how long it will be before a portrait of Erica appears over the fireplace? And I won’t be surprised if she is wearing a red dress; will you?

 

 

Now for the non-sequitur portion of the program.

 

A search for a missing child should be heart wrenching, yet it made me chuckle a bit. Chuckle because the adults were behaving like it was totally possible for Lil’A to get out of his crib, get down the stairs and out the front door of the Casa Chandler. This from a child we have yet to see really walk.

 

It is difficult not to notice the developmental differences between Miranda and Lil’A. While they share the same birthday, I bet their APGAR scores were light years apart.

 

One thing did touch my heart about Lil’A’s disappearance. That was Adam’s voice when he said, “He’s a little boy.”  I heard it crack with pain, but Krystal obviously did not. Why else would she say that she wants to get Lil’A away from the Chandlers because she “doesn’t want him growing up to think mean and hurtful is the only way to be.”?  Yep it would be much better if Lil’A grew up to be the like the Careys. Then he could perfect the skills of making ironed French toast, skidaddling out of town ahead of the bill collectors, and trading sex for passing grades.  Who wouldn’t want that for their grandchild?

 

Tad to Ryan, “You could pass on the best part of you.”  Ryan has a best part?

 

I do not really miss her, but where the heck is Anita?

 

When Tad asked Father Clarence, “How did you know Dixie?  I hoped in vain that Father Clarence would reply, “Dixie and her sister Di tag teamed me with pole dances.”

 

I am probably also hoping vain that Di will not take the heat when everyone finds out Dixie is alive. Why? Because if I had to chose between the oh-so-human Di and the oh-so-annoying Dixie, there would be no contest. Di would win every time.

 

“Did he bully you?”  I was rather appalled that Erica was referring to Zach and not Ryan.

 

I am also appalled that Palmer has teamed up with Krystal. However much he hates Adam, shouldn’t he hate DNA switching Krystal more?

 

JR Chandler is a very bad man.” Well now that Jonathan, murderer and woman beater, has said that, it must be true.

 

“You care about Little Adam, you belong here.”  When JR graciously said that to Palmer, Opal and David, it was just further proof that Jonathan is right. JR Chandler is a very bad man.

 

I do really miss her, where the heck is Simone?

 

I was impressed with Krystal and Babe’s time management skills this week. What with running the ho-down, manipulating JR and the CE Board, searching for Lil’A as well as saving Fusion, they still found time to get new holiday frocks at Trollops R’ Us.

 

“Kendall is nothing like Maria.” Yes, Bianca, that is true. Yet I cannot help wishing that Kendall would consult Maria’s former psychic Frederick for some insight into her love life:

 

Kendall: “Frederick, I really need help deciding which man in my life is my soul mate.”

 

Frederick: “Well, Kendall, I see that your mother has very strong feelings about your soulmate.”

 

Kendall: “I am sorry that is no help. It could mean either man or that I am destined for an incestuous lesbian relationship.”

 

Frederick: “I am asking my guides to be more specific. Your soulmate has doubts about his ability to be a good father.”

 

Kendall: “ I am really losing patience here. If you do not clarify this for me I will see that you never appear on my mother’s show New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?).

 

Frederick: “Wait, wait, something is coming through. Your soulmate has never worn, nor will he ever wear, a clown nose.”

 

Kendall: “Oh, thank you Frederick, you really are gifted.”

 

The scene ends as Kendall joyfully runs across the condo courtyard and throws herself into Zach’s  waiting arms.

 

Will this week’s spoilers have us feeling joyful or not? Let’s see:

 

Beginning with the Maddening crowd:

 

Amanda is confused when she hears Josh saying nasty and somewhat untrue things about Erica to a group of reporters.

 

Where is Donald Steele when you need him?

 

Amanda is even more confused when Josh asserts that she erased one of Erica’s important tapes. Confused because Amanda does not remember doing it. She doesn’t remember because Josh erased it, not Amanda.

 

This homage to Gaslight could be interesting if I cared about Amanda and/or Josh. I don’t so it isn’t.

 

When Josh gets home he is very surprised by what he finds there.

 

A bunch of cobras greeting him with, “Yo, bro!” More likely it’s Janet with crowbar in hand.

 

Something Erica says makes Greg very uneasy. His reaction confirms Erica’s suspicion that Greg knows something about her life that she does not.

 

That the ratings for New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?) are not as high as she believes?  Or something more sinister and hopefully more interesting than the storyline has been so far?

 

It’s Christmas in Pine Valley:

 

Jack welcomes Kendall with open arms when she shows up for Christmas breakfast.

 

Jack is so easy. A little sex with Erica and he has seen the light about Kendall.

 

Kendall tells her mother and sister that she has decided to have the baby.

 

The sisters smile behind Erica’s back as she says, “Oh and he will look just like me. I know it!”

 

Kendall tells Erica that, although she is having the baby, getting together with Ryan is not part of her plans. Erica is more than a little upset.

 

Again I say, if Erica thinks Ryan is such a great catch she should marry him herself.

 

Erica is just not having a good Christmas. Lily happily announces that Jonathan bought everyone’s presents. Erica drops the fig-urine that Lily gave her.

 

If Jonathan as Lily’s personal shopper upsets Erica this much, why doesn’t the notion of Jonathan as Kendall’s brother-in-law upset her even more?

 

Erica’s mood does not get better when she realizes that Binky has been helping Kendall and Zach reconcile.

 

“OK, Bianca, it was one thing when you set fire to your dollhouse. It was one thing when you decided you just had to be a lesbian. It was one thing when you kept your pregnancy from me. It was one thing when you decided to move to Paris. But thinking that Zach is better for Kendall than Ryan is something I just will not tolerate.”

 

Kendal and Zach continue their pas de deux:

 

Erica convinces Binks that Ryan is far better than Zach for Kendall. Binks tells Zach that she has changed her mind about helping to unite him with Kendall.

 

Damn. I wish someone had gotten Binky a backbone for Christmas.

 

Zach realizes that Erica has convinced Binks to change her mind about him.

 

Zach always has Erica’s number. No wonder she cannot stand him.

 

Zach tells Bianca that he will do his best to never intentionally hurt Kendall. Zach lets Bianca in on his plan to surprise Kendall.

 

The next time he shoots at Ryan he is not going to miss? That surprise would certainly make me happy.

 

Zach lures Kendall to the casino, which he has closed for the evening. Kendall cannot believe that Zach has arranged such a romantic surprise just for her.

 

Why is Kendall surprised?  After arranging the most romantic divorce in history, a romantic evening should be a snap.

 

Finally Zach and Kendall see beyond their neuroses and admit they love each other.

 

The sound you hear in the background is Myrtle and thousands of viewers shouting, “It’s about damn time.”

 

Zach tries to buy Babe’s Fusion shares from her. She refuses.

 

This time the sound you hear is hell freezing over because a Carey woman turned down cold hard cash.

 

Not only does Babe still have her shares, now Kendall finds out that Simone has shares, too. Kendall is none too pleased about any of this.

 

Babe having shares would upset anyone, including me. It seems to me that Simone has earned her shares. No, not by bedding Ethan but by keeping Fusion going whenever Greens and Kendall would decide they had more important things to do than go to the office.

 

It’s New Year’s Eve in PV and I am missing the Crystal Ball.

 

JR goes looking for Babe at Fusion and finds her with Janet.

 

Yawn. Just another plot device to make Babe a victim.

 

JR tells Janet to stay away from Babe.

 

Just when I was really starting to like JR he pulls a boneheaded move like this.

 

JR kisses Babe and asks her to be his date for New Year’s Eve.

 

Just when I was really starting to like JR he pulls a boneheaded move like this.

 

Everyone is headed to the celebration at the Valley Inn, including JR, Babe, Amanda and Jamie.

 

I think I’ll spend New Year’s Eve at home this year.

 

Aidan and Erin are each other’s date. They kiss.

 

Sure, Erin doesn’t mind when Aidan kisses her, but can she do math problems with him?

 

Janet, in costume, also attends the New Year’s Eve celebration at the Valley Inn.

 

I love Janet’s costumes. I love Janet’s crowbar. I just plain love Janet.

 

Janet drugs Krystal and Babe.

 

Have I mentioned how much I really really really really love Janet?

 

New Year’s brings Adam and Krystal closer together.

 

And here I was, hoping that 2006 would be a better year.

 

Del’s New Year’s Eve date displeases Tad.

 

Krystal? David?  Julia? Aidan?  Or is Dixie on her brother’s arm?

 

The sisters meet again:

 

Di and Dixie fill each other in on their respective lives.

 

Dixie: “Well I have been busy pretending to be dead.”

 

Di: “Well, I have been busy being, umm, being, umm, acquainting, that’s it, acquainting myself with Pine Valley.”

 

Turns out that Dixie does not know that Di pretended to be Dixie. She also doesn’t know how close Di and Tad have become.

 

If Dixie is true to her character she will be very upset at Di’s duplicity. At the same time she will expect everyone to understand why she played dead.

 

Di wants Dixie to return to PV but Dixie refuses.

 

“I am not going back to Pine Valley until this awful hair cut grows out.”

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

Kendall and Ryan bond when they see the sonogram of their son.

 

And during this scene I will be bonding with a bottle of Tequila.

 

“The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”  Jack and David discover they both want the Laverys gone. David suggests they work together to accomplish this goal.

 

 I do not even care whether they work together in Jell-O or not, just as long as they accomplish their goal.

 

Jonathan teaches Lily how to skate.

 

Jonathan cannot open the door to the mens’ room  but he can skate? All I can say is, “Lily, stay away from the yellow snow!”

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Mon, Dec. 19th, 2005, 11:10 am

For the week of Dec 19, 2005

I was planning on apologizing because this week’s column is late. Then I remembered I had a really lousy childhood which means I do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

I took the energy I would have spent apologizing and spent it instead trying to figure out why watching AMC leaves me dazed and confused.

 

It’s because over at AMC the lunatics are running the asylum. Babe is Fusion’s savior, Jonathan is a good person, Zach is Satan’s right hand man, Ryan is the best thing that ever happened to Kendall and JR is evil. Krystal is a real person with a heart of gold while Adam is a “sorry excuse for a human being.” Have I left anything out?

 

Babe: “Mama, wanna see the product I came up with? See, it’s lip gloss on one end and a herpes treatment on the other.”

 

Krystal: “That’s my baby doll!”

 

A tour of PV history shows that many characters were not qualified for the jobs they held. Hayley ran Enchantment. Hayley and Charlie were private detectives. Stuart, who had no business experience, started an art gallery. Dixie was a patient ombudsman at PVH. Jake was Chief of Staff. Myrtle went from carny gal to Boutique owner. The list is fairly endless.

 

Why then is it driving me nuts that Babe is now one of the Fusion owners?  Let’s travel on the mobius strip highway that runs through PV: Greenlee wanted to really hurt Kendall. She wanted to make Kendall’s day-to-day life unbearable. What better way than to force her to work with Babe. Babe who kept Miranda from Bianca. And let JR believe his son was dead. In other words, the only reason Babe has Fusion stock is because she kept Miranda and Lil’A away from their parents. Babe has been rewarded for doing heinous things. Babe got stock and David got endless community service. And we are expected to think that is a good thing.

 

Not only has Babe been rewarded but we are expected to believe she is the best thing to ever happen to Fusion.  Simone, who has been running the company for years cannot deal with a simple crisis but Babe has the answer! And she has to learn about financing because she has to “save” Fusion!

 

Of course it is no surprise that Babe does not understand the simple arithmetic of company finances.  After all, she’s the girl who traded sex for a passing grade in math.  Sex is just so much more fun, and easier, than book learning.

 

Maybe, just maybe, I could get past that if Babe hadn’t reacted so badly when she discovered Amanda was working at New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?). And I don’t even like Amanda. Babe was pissed at Josh for hiring Amanda because Amanda had done bad things to Babe. And yet the Fusion women need to accept Babe as one of their own.  My head hurts.

 

However I cannot wait for Babe to start having an influence on the Fusion product line. I understand her first contribution will be in Fusion’s summer collection. It will be a matching eyeliner and nail polish combo called Blue Balls Bleu.

 

And if I thought Babe getting stock was hard to accept, imagine how I felt when Jonathan got a free Christmas tree. Is that to give him something to urinate on besides his own leg?

 

Note to my dearest Spotted Dick: the operative you had trailing Jonathan needs to be fired immediately. He was on Jonathan like a trucker on Krystal yet did not notice that Jonathan took over for the ailing Santa?

 

The Santa switcheroo was absurd. This kind of mistaken identity could be prevented in the future if all Laverys were required to wear clown noses all the time.

 

Speaking of Santa, whoever thought up the wretching cuteness of Jonathan and Lily deserves nothing from Santa but a stocking full of coal. Someone should call social services and turn Jack in for child abuse. Why? Because Lily is running all over town with a multiple murderer and Jack is, well, who knows where the heck Jack is these days.

 

I was about to apologize for being so negative during the holiday season. Then I remembered I had a really lousy childhood which means I do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

It’s a good thing that Zach always wears shoes, it spares us from seeing his cloven hooves. At least according to Ryan.  Did what Ryan was spewing about Zach to Kendall make any sense to anyone at all?  Zach lets Kendall make her own decisions. And stands by her whether those decisions are mistakes or not.  He recognizes her loyalty. He knows there is no way in hell Kendall would hang herself in hammock several stories up. When Zach refers to Kendall as “my wife” there is no tone of ownership but just great pride.  And most importantly, he makes Kendall laugh. When you find a man who makes you laugh everyday you are very lucky indeed. Yep, Ryan, Zach is the worst thing to ever happen to Kendall. How fortunate she is to have you point that out to her. How fortunate she is to have you reminding her that she is incapable of figuring out things for herself. And really what is a beautifully jeweled dragonfly pin compared to the Lavery clown nose?

 

The Chandlers do not have clown noses. They know better. The Chandlers have brains. And JR showed how well his works when he led Babe to believe that the engagement ring was for her. Yes, I know he was being evil and mean to dear little Babe. And I just loved it.

 

I did not love the trucker ho-down at the Chandlers. May I vent about Krystal for a moment? Krystal acts as if Adam just stumbled across his fortune while walking down the street and that now he should hand half over to her. Adam earned every penny through hard work. Of course the word “work” is an alien concept to Krystal.  Krystal never shows any respect for Adam yet expects the world to respect her.

 

The party was supposed to be funny, juxtaposing Krystal’s “real” people to Adam’s uptight actions. All the party did for me was to juxtapose the many reasons I do not like Krystal against the many reasons I do like Adam.

 

I was about to apologize for my Krystal rant not being very funny. Then I remembered I had a really lousy childhood and do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

Now for the non-sequitur portion of the program:

 

Jamie wearing glasses to look smarter reminds me of girls at my high school who stuffed tissue in their bras to look well endowed.  Both work at a distance but as they get closer you realize both are false advertising.

 

Why didn’t the heart surgeon recognize David, world-renowned surgeon and tabloid cover boy?

 

“I don’t want Jonathan around complicated people.” Well then, Ryan, maybe you should put Jonathan up for adoption. No wait, that’s right, the Laverys are not complicated, they are tiresome.

 

I loved it when Kendall told Zach to “do the big macho thing.”  I am pretty sure Zach has a big macho thing, how about you?

 

If Erica is so desperate to have Ryan as part of her family that she is asking God to intervene, why doesn’t she divorce Jack and marry Ryan, herself?

 

Why did Lily go to the mall if she hates malls? She could have just logged onto Llan-Net and done her shopping.

 

I bet the Kane-Montgomerys will be thrilled to discover that Jonathan picked out their Christmas presents!

 

Is the mall in Llanview? Lily and Jonathan were hanging out at Hallowed Grounds, a coffee shop Llanview residents frequent frequently.

 

 When Janet was talking about Amanda getting married with “her own dress, her own name and her own face” it brought back fond memories of the first time Janet married Trevor. My favorite was Janet trying to fit her too large foot into Natalie’s tiny wedding shoes. As unhappy as I am with TPTB, the decision to bring Janet and Kate Collins back makes me happy indeed.

 

What did the Carey women do to anger the wardrobe department this week?  Krystal has worn tackier outfits but none as unflattering as that green job that kicked off the trucker ho-down. The same goes for that cheap looking black number Babe was wearing. Babe has looked tackier but seldom worse.

 

I was going to apologize for not doing a complete All My Schmattes. Then I remembered that I had a really lousy childhood and I do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

Do you think we will ever see Ryan in a scene where he is not rude, self-righteous, lip-licking and finger pointing? Yeah, me neither.

 

It breaks my heart to admit that I never want to see Adam in his red silk pajamas again. Not after hearing Krystal has been wearing them.

 

Didn’t Lily’s description of her ideal boyfriend sound just like Aidan?

 

What was up with Winifred? Was it a special episode of Pimp My Maid? She should be smarter than to put her lot in with Krystal’s. She has seen too many Mrs. Chandlers come and go to really believe Krystal will last. (At least that’s what I keep telling myself.)

 

Jamie at the boathouse wearing glasses, a corduroy jacket and a scarf reminded me of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue. I wonder why?

 

Speaking of men and clothes, was Josh imagining himself in that poster because he wants to replace Erica on New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?) or does he simply want to wear her wardrobe?

 

This week’s award for Best Metaphor goes to Jamie stuffing the breakfast burrito into JR’s mouth. Oh, you naughty boys.

 

“You’re a doctor kind of but not really.” Was Jamie talking about Josh or himself?

 

Speaking of doctors, I no longer have any use for Joe. First, he let Bianca go on thinking that Miranda was dead. And then he acted like it was David’s fault that he almost had his chest cut open.

 

Let’s get some hot chocolate and check out this week’s spoilers. You know how the Laverys prefer their hot chocolate don’t you? With lots of minature clown noses floating on top, of course!

 

I was going to apologize for three clown nose jokes in one column. Then I remembered I had a lousy childhood and do not have to apologize for anything. Ever.

 

Will this week’s spoilers have us wanting an apology from the writers or not? Let’s see:

 

This holiday tour starts at Casa Chandler:

 

Krystal’s soiree continues with the CE Board of Directors as attendees.

 

Doesn’t Krystal realize that if the Board’s confidence in Adam falters, so could CE stock prices? To cut her some slack, her previous business experience was in an all cash industry.

 

Babe insists that she wants joint custody of Lil’A and she wants to marry JR, too.

 

There are a lot of things I want for Babe, too. However they do not include joint custody and marriage.

 

JR has conflicting feelings towards Babe. Meanwhile Adam kisses Krystal.

 

In my best Adam Chandler voice I am screaming, “Have they taken leave of their senses?”

 

Adam is jealous when he witnesses the closeness between Krystal and Tad.

 

After all, Adam saw Tad first.

 

A mysterious Santa sneaks in and steals Lil’A.

 

An entire brigade could walk in and steal the baby unnoticed. Who could hear anything over the ho-down?

 

The Chandlers immediately suspect that Jonathan is the kidnapper.

 

Those evil Chandlers picking on a poor little lamb like Jonathan.

 

JR and Babe confront Jonathan. Ryan defends his brother saying that Jonathan could not possibly be the kidnapper, but Erin is not so sure.

 

Already Erin is feeling the aftereffects of exposure to spotted dick.

 

JR and Babe begin to think that Amanda is the kidnapper.

 

Well the kidnapper would have to know the tunnels under the mansion. What discounts this theory is that Amanda is not wearing her kidnapping panties. She is wearing her being duped by my boss panties instead.

 

Now to the Family Lavery:

 

Jonathan arrives home with Lily. Aidan is very unhappy that Lily has been spending time with Jonathan.

 

I am, too, Aidan because I don’t like having to FF’d Lily’s scenes. Perhaps to discourage Lily, Aidan should make her watch Primal Fear over and over again. Even the red parts.

 

Jonathan wants them all to pray that Lil’A comes home safely.

 

What’s next? Does Jonathan start rescuing kittens from trees?

 

Aidan, Jonathan, Lily and Erin put together Jonathan’s train set.

 

Suddenly a very tiny room at the Pine Cone has room for a free Christmas tree, a train set and four people? It’s a holiday miracle!

 

Jonathan finds Lil’A at the chapel.

 

Where undoubtedly he will be bathed in a glowing beatific light, befitting his status as Patron Saint in Training.

 

Jonathan is arrested for kidnapping.

 

Which means unfortunately that he is not guilty. Even more unfortunately this means even more paranoid and self-righteous ranting from Erin and Ryan.

 

It’s Christmas Miracle time in the Valley:

 

Kendall is stunned and happy to see Bianca and Miranda.

 

Kudos to the casting people for finding a little girl to play Miranda as a true diva-in-training.

 

Kendall tells Bianca how she feels about Zach. And that she is uncertain about having the baby.

 

I have missed these scenes with Kendall and Bianca. They are among the most intimate either character has ever had.

 

Bianca and Zach have a spat during which Binky tells him that Kendall loves him. Binky then tells Zach he needs to fight for Kendall.

 

Because Kendall is a Kane woman, dammit, and worth fighting for.

 

Kendall heads to the chapel in the woods where she meets Father Clarence.

 

This sort of treacly thing makes me realize I enjoyed Malachy McCourt much more as an Irish terrorist on OLTL. That plot also involved Patrick Thornhart, played by Thorsten Kaye. And if I may ramble a bit more, I once met Mr. McCourt in a drugstore in NYC. He was with Richard Harris, who recommended throat lozenges for my laryngitis. Both men were wearing capes, which made the experience somewhat surreal.

 

Ryan shows up at the chapel. He tells Kendall that he will always be there for her and the baby.

 

Kendall should believe him, right? It’s not like Ryan has ever broken a vow or a promise before, right?

 

Kendall decides to have the baby.

 

Just as long as she does not decide to also have Ryan.

 

Bianca runs into Babe.

 

Now, my kind of Christmas miracle would involve Binky running over, not into, Babe.

 

Despite their “differences”, Bianca and Babe have a close moment.

 

I don’t even know what to say. It’s difficult for me to think while vomiting.

 

Let’s check out the Maddening crowd:

 

Greg tells Erica he is still in love with her.

 

There is name for this and it is “psycho stalker.”

 

Erica does not quite believe Greg.

 

Why not? After all, she is Erica Kane and he is a man.

 

Josh eavesdrops on his father’s conversation with Erica.

 

You know what amazes me about Josh? That he can be creepy and boring at the same time.

 

Other stuff happens, too.

 

Tad also encounters Father Clarence at the chapel.

 

Are there no churches in Pine Valley proper? Is that why everyone heads to the Little-Chapel-in-the-Pines?

 

Tad has a chat with Dixie’s spirit.

 

Technically, can you have a chat with a person’s spirit if that person is still alive?

 

While Tad is chatting up Dixie’s spirit, Di is heading to Europe to visit a very much alive Dixie.

 

Is anyone surprised that Dixie is alive? Thought not. Will anyone be surprised when Dixie just loves Babe? Thought not. Will anyone be surprised when more people are mad at Di for this deceit than at Dixie herself? Thought not. Will anyone be surprised if Dixie is interesting? I will be.

 

Jack surprises Erica with a new house.

 

You know what would surprise me about Jack? If he paid any attention to what Lily was up to.

 

Oh those AMC actors:

 

Yes, Cady McClain is returning as Dixie.

 

I know this a great holiday present for many viewers, so I am happy for them.

 

I hope every one of you has exactly the kind of holiday you want.  With family or with friends or alone, whatever your heart desires.

 

Here in my home we will be following our long cherished holiday tradition of Indian take-away and violent movies. Hey, it works for us. And I hope your holidays work for you!

 

Kate

Sun, Dec. 11th, 2005, 11:09 am

 

For the week of Dec 11, 2005

 
It’s a weird, unexpected time here in Pine Valley. We all pretty much thought the excitement for the year, save a Christmas miracle or two, was over. All the residents who returned from the dead were nestled all snug in their beds. It was fairly certain that people would not have to rise from their beds to see what was the clatter on the Fusion roof until February sweeps.  Erica had shouted, “New Beginnings to all and to all a goodnight!”  And the Laverys had already hung their clown noses by the chimney with care.

 

When suddenly our wondering ears did hear words that had not been spoken in Pine Valley for years (if ever):

 

             “This may sound hypocritical…”

 

And it was Di Henry who spoke them. My opinion of an AMC character has never changed as rapidly my opinion of Di has over the past few weeks. It’s not that I am forgetting her DiDixie days, but her willingness to take responsibility for her misdeeds makes it easier to see who she really is. And the fact that Di admits that she might, from time to time, actually be hypocritical puts her ahead of everyone else in the Valley. It certainly places her ahead of the object of her misplaced affections, Tad. Tad who gave Dixie’s afghan to her sister Di and then attacked Di for acting like her sister Dixie.  Does Di really need that kind of passive/aggressive behavior in her life? Nope. And a woman who is willing to be honest about herself will never be happy with a man like Tad to whom introspection is a foreign concept. While Di’s attraction to Tad puzzles me, her transformation into a likeable character amazes me.

 

Another character who continues to amaze me is Ryan. What amazes me about Ryan? How my loathing for him grows with every word that comes out if his mouth.  In fact my loathing for him is so great that it helps me understand how Lily feels when she sees red. My Ryan loathing can block out everything. I must exercise great restraint to see what else is happening on the screen. I have to remind myself that Ryan is a fictional character and not someone I can actually run over with my car.

 

To his credit Ryan has done something that I did not think was possible. He has surpassed Tad as PV’s leading hypocrite. When Ryan accused Zach of faking his own death because Zach wasn’t “man enough to stick around” he left Tad coughing in his dust. 

 

It’s not just Ryan’s hypocrisy that is leading me to have homicidal fantasies; it is his constant insistence that Jonathan is just a poor little lamb who has lost his way. Yes, perhaps Hocket/Sprocket’s brain tumor exacerbated his violent tendencies but it did not cause them. The root cause is still in Jonathan as it is in Ryan, parental abuse when they were children.  The only way for a PV resident to believe that Jonathan is all better now would be to be as stupid as TPTB clearly think we viewers are.  It’s just damn irritating.

 

Several AMC characters and situations are irritating me these days.

 

With Julia “could anyone possibly sound more condescending than I do?” Santos we get a twofer. The character and the situation are both irritating. Julia teaching a life skills class makes absolutely no sense. No sense except to prop the horrifying prospect of a Lily/Jonathan romance.  And her attitude towards her students reached new levels in condescension. Julia sounded like she was paper-training a puppy rather trying to help people by teaching them life skills.

 

And am I the only one who was surprised that Lily was taking life skills class with adults at the hospital? I erroneously imagined her taking it with other adolescents who had similar social skill problems. Silly me.

 

Erica’s actions usually do not irritate me. In fact, I expect her to do a certain number of irritating things simply because she is Erica. However her encouraging Kendall and Ryan to hang on to each other made no sense. No sense if she cared at all about Kendall’s happiness. Erica’s transformation into a Ryan worshipper is truly irritating. If anything, the worship should be flowing from Ryan to Erica because she stood by him publicly when that Kit Fisher person accused him of rape. All her ramblings about Ryan saving her life make no sense at all.

 

You might think Erin would be irritating me, but she is not. I have decided that nothing she says will ever make any sense. That way I can just ignore her.

 

Irritation can be a complex thing. For example, Adam and Krystal as a couple irritate me, yet Bobbie Eakes and David Canary as actors sharing a scene delight me.

 

And whether you find it irritating or not, here comes the non-sequitur portion of the column:

 

This week RJ Gannon, one of my favorite OLTL characters, mentioned another character doing “summer stock in Pine Valley.” It got me to thinking about the Pepper Pot Players and how much I miss them.

 

“I am a cynic.”  Why did JR say that as if it were a bad thing? To me being a cynic is the only sensible thing to be.

 

If we could have an Aidan/Zach scene every day it would make me almost as happy as having a Kendall/Zach scene every day.

 

I have tried and tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for Amanda’s unfortunate headband/scarf.  Did the hospital give it to her to hold her skull fracture together?

 

Why is Sam staying with Brooke? Isn’t her being on the backburner punishment enough?

 

Why was Danni, high school student, treating Simone, Brown University graduate, as if she were the dimmest bulb in the Fusion chandelier?

 

“I’ve never had it this good, so if you’ve never had this bad, that sucks for you.”   Babe said this to Kendall, which I didn’t like. However I might have liked Babe just a little if she had been honest enough to say this to Binky during the whole Mirabess mess. It would have been mean, it would have been bitchy, but it would have more honest than that “Bess has two Mommies” pap.

 

“The very suave, very important head of ABC daytime.”  Brian Frons pimping himself. That’s one class act, isn’t it?

 

Just when you think it is safe to look at the screen, Krystal wears the-bustier-on-top blouse again. We should be warned in advance about horrifying things like that.

 

Speaking of clothes, what is it with Erica and red? I am no saint, patron or otherwise, but if my stepdaughter had a meltdown each time she saw red, I would remove all traces from my wardrobe.

 

“He’s a liar. And you’re a sucker.” I do hope that was foreshadowing on Zach’s part.  And I hope Ryan remembers that line as the “real” Jonathan is holding his head under the PV Ocean for the third, and final, count.

 

“Doctor, janitor, psycho whack job.”  It is impossible for me to hate David when he has such clear insight into his various roles in PV society.

 

I am getting an awful feeling that Janet’s role in PV is as Norman Bates. Isn’t it odd that Amanda hasn’t heard from her dad?  How do we really know Trevor is in Ireland?  Janet looks heavenward to talk with Nattie, but looks straight ahead to talk with Trevor. Is that because a taxidermed Trevor is sitting in the chair opposite Janet? And the cooler helps confirm my belief that Janet is not home, but walking around PV unnoticed.

 

“I have not been this good. Have I?” Oh yes you have Simone. And Ethan is all the more interesting because he noticed how good you have been and has rewarded you for it. Watch out Babe and Kendall.

 

Jamie in glasses. I know it was AMC’s “subtle” way of trying to make him look smart. All I could wonder was, what did Jamie do with the attached non-clown nose and mustache?

 

“Laverys on Ice. How adorable.” Yes, it was adorable Zach. But you know what would be even more adorable?  Laverys falling through the ice.

 

It’s pretty clear I am smitten with Zach. In fact I think I want to build an altar to Zach. I also want an alter named Zach so I can walk around town being cool, funny and right!

 

Several people have written to me suggesting that Sam hammocked Kendall in order to frame Jonathan. It’s an interesting theory, but isn’t Sam too short to have done that?  Wouldn’t he need a booster chair or something?

 

Are the planets misaligned? For a moment there, when she was trying to embarrass Jamie in front of his adoring study group, I almost liked Amanda. And when it was clear Josh was using her, I almost felt sorry for her. Will someone please slap me now?

 

And finally, when all the Ryan propping gets to us, let us remember this: Ryan may have a clown nose but Zach has a magic wand (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). And a magic wand trumps a clown nose every time.

 

Will there be anything magic in this week’s spoilers? Let’s see:

 

Two doors down they’re laughing and having a party at Casa Chandler:

 

Krystal invites every trucker she knows, and that’s a lot, to a kegger at the Chandler house.

 

But does she check their driver’s licenses at the door?

 

Krystal tells Adam she will send everyone back to the truck stop if he will stop saying terrible things about Babe.

 

Terrible things like what? That her mother wears a bustier-on-top blouse? Or that Babe kept a mother from her child for months?  Or some other true and terrible thing about Babe?

 

Adam calls in the security guards to end the party.

 

I think Adam should have called Palmer and borrowed the Dobermans.

 

Despite Adam’s best efforts, Krystal manages to get the last laugh.

 

This is what irritates me about this story. No one should get the last laugh on Adam except for Palmer.

 

JR freaks when he realizes that Adam is starting to really care for Krystal.

 

If I were JR I would freak, too. After first locking up the silver and advising Adam to always, always shower in a raincoat.

 

Adam decides that he will do all he can to prevent JR from reconciling with Babe.

 

Again, I suggest that Adam call Palmer and borrow the Dobermans.

 

JR leads Babe on, only to dash her hopes about getting back together.

 

That JR is downright evil. Who does he think he is, manipulating Babe into a position that makes it difficult for her to manipulate him?

 

When JR rejects her, Babe comes to a startling realization.

 

That her plan didn’t work? Or that she genuinely loves JR? That evil SOB.

 

Meanwhile, it’s hardly party time over at PVH:

 

At the last minute David prevents the doctors from performing open-heart surgery.

But how could he have heart surgery when even his loving devoted daughter Babe swears David doesn’t have a heart? I think David should go to Joe and threaten a huge lawsuit. Unless of course Joe writes to the Pennsylvania Medical Association insisting that David’s medical license be reissued.

 

David accuses Amanda of causing the medical mistaken identity.

 

A logical assumption in an illogical situation.

 

Amanda tells Jamie that she is afraid she may actually be the one who tried to hurt David and Kendall and Babe. She doesn’t remember because of the blackouts.

 

This pretty much guarantees that Amanda did nothing to harm any of them.

 

Jamie asks Amanda to move back in with him so he can take care of her.

 

“Oh, thank you, Jamie. I knew there was a reason I put on my “moving in” panties this morning!”

 

Jamie tells JR the real reason he asked Amanda to move in: to prove that Amanda hurt Babe.

 

Is that a crowbar I see headed Jamie’s way? I certainly hope so.

 

Babe is angry with Josh when she finds out Amanda is working at New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?)

 

Babe: “How did you get this job? Your being here will make it hard for me to flirt with Josh.”

Amanda: “I’ve never had it this good so if you’ve never had it this bad, that sucks for you.”

 

And there is nothing like divorce to get those romantic juices flowing:

 

Kendall tells Zach she feels more like they are on their honeymoon than getting a divorce.

 

Gee, you don’t think Zach could have planned it that way, do you?

 

The Slaters have a romantic dinner. Zach tells Kendall that no matter what she decides about the baby, he will stand by her. Even if they are divorced.

 

That evil rotten SOB. Talking to Kendall like that. Being supportive and loving. Who the hell does he think he is?

 

Kendall goes for a walk on the beach. Zach finds her and tells her to forget that he said he loves her. He does love her but is afraid he will end up hurting her.

 

Zach is choosing to fall on his rather large sword in order to protect Kendall. How can Kendall resist offering to help him sheath that sword?

 

Kendall and Zach watch a fireworks display that Zach has arranged.

 

If only those fireworks were a metaphor.

 

 

Zach goes to bed. Kendall goes to bed. Separately. Zach dreams about Myrtle.

 

No, not that kind of dream. He dreams that Myrtle is telling him to fight for Kendall. Wouldn’t it be fun if Myrtle were dressed as Queen Gertrude during the dream?

 

Zach and Kendall move towards each other, when Ryan shows up, spoiling the moment.

 

And my Ryan loathing just kicked up a notch.

 

Ryan does his best to make Kendall feel insecure about Zach.

 

I am going to have to ask Santa for a new Ryan loathing gauge because my current one doesn’t go high enough.

 

What accounts for Ryan’s sudden interest in Kendall? Greg explained to him that on the night of the blackout all of Greenlee’s eggs were destroyed. That the only hope of giving Greens her supposedly dead husband’s baby was to impregnate Kendall.

 

Didn’t Kendall say exactly the same thing on Thanksgiving?

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

Myrtle gets her Christmas wish when Bianca shows up in PV.

 

But will we get our wish? Will Binky reunite the Slaters?

 

Di tells Tad that Greg has a file on him.

 

Now I get what Greg is up to. A research paper called Hypocrites and Fertility: Is there a connection?

 

Di also tells Tad that she once met Dixie.

 

Well, Di did say she would answer any questions anyone had about her past. Is it her fault that no one asked whether or not she had met Dixie?

 

Erin and Aidan get locked in a Christmas tree lot. Erin has a difficult time fighting her attraction to Aidan.

 

In Erin’s defense, once a woman has gotten a whiff of spotted dick, it’s hard to think about anything else.

 

When Sam realizes that Lily believes Jonathan has changed he tells her she is stupid.

 

As much as I would love to fault Sam on this one, I just can’t.

 

Lily and Jonathan head to the mall.

 

“Look---Lil—Lily-----I have lots----offf---mmm-money to spend---at—the ---whore----store.”

 

Lily and Jonathan talk about what they want in romantic partners.

 

Lily: “He would have to like math. And mysteries. And not mind not touching. He would have to like my Dad. And never ever wear red.”

 

Jonathan: “ She---would----have-to---bbbe- nice. Annnd---belll-smell- gggood. I would---lllove-her---with all---my--- fart---heart.”

 

Stuart believes Jonathan when he says he is good now.

 

Well if ever we needed proof that Stuart is brain-damaged…

 

Oh those AMC actors:

 

Say goodbye to Sam. Bobby Steggert’s last day is December 20th.

 

Sam is probably headed to California. I think his Aunt Julia should accompany him. Just to keep Sam company and give us a break.

 

Richard Masur joins AMC as Erica’s network boss.

 

I have always liked him. He was Anne’s boyfriend on One Day at a Time  and the recruiter from Princeton in Risky Business.  To me his best performance was when he was a guest on Crossfire.  Mr. Masur managed to keep a straight face when Robert Novak declared that Bo Derek’s acting talents were on par with Meryl Streep’s.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate

Sun, Dec. 4th, 2005, 11:07 am

 

For the week of Dec 4, 2005

 

I am a bitch. That’s what I do.”

                    Greenlee Smythe

 

 

It makes me a bit sad knowing this is the last time I can use that Greenlee quote. Greenlee’s actions often drove me nuts, but I do not despise her as some viewers do. Maybe it’s because I understand her motivations, which have nothing to do with being a woman in her 30s running a successful cosmetics company. They have everything to do with her still seeing the world as a small child routinely neglected by the people who should have been paying her the most attention, her parents. Greenlee undoubtedly learned that the only way to get acknowledgement was to act out whatever she was feeling. That is pretty much what children do, and what children with narcissistic parents do even more (i.e. Bianca setting fire to her dollhouse).  Children who feel loved grow past that stage. They come to realize they have a safe place in the world where they can feel secure. Greenlee never got past that because there never was a safe place for her. True, her grandparents loved her more than the nanny did, but all she could see, and understandably so, was that her parents did not.

 

Greenlee acts out because she believes it is the only way the world will see and hear her. And she’s a soap character so her actions are always extreme. Also because she is a soap character she will never seek therapy to help her.(Lysistrata does not count.) Greenlee has had one shot in her life at feeling safe and that was with Leo. Leo loved her and accepted her. Over time she could have learned that she did not need to be a drama queen to get attention. She would have never gotten that with Ryan because he is a drama queen himself.

 

David, who understands her more than anyone, could have shown her security, too. She was never going to get security from Jack because he too often lets his anger override his desire to be a good parent.

 

That is why Greenlee has always made grand dramatic public displays when she is hurt. It hasn’t always been pretty to watch. It hasn’t been fun to see her hurt characters I care about. It hasn’t been fun to see her hurt herself either. And if she were a real person I would be telling her to grow up and see a shrink but because she is not real, I am able to say that I am going to miss the little bitch.

 

Kendall, Greens’ best friend and nemesis, does not always act in her best interests either. When a man like Zach, flawed but grown-up, declares his love, the correct thing to do is fly into his arms. Kendall being Kendall could not do that, which left me yelling “my god, girl, you are an idiot.” Still love her but damn.

 

Poor Kendall. She is paying the price now for making a decision with her heart instead of her head.  Does it seem to anyone else that it is far too high a price? The way everyone, save Zach and Erica, treated her made me glad the Tar n’ Feather store was closed on Thanksgiving.

 

What I loved about Zach’s reaction was that he accepted her answer about Ryan. Just accepted it. No more questions. And isn’t part of what real love is, unconditional acceptance?  Kendall has never had that, so she does not recognize it. If she does not recognize it soon I am going to have to slap her. Or  have hot sex with Zach myself. As if.

 

Erica finally told Kendall what she has been longing to hear, that her mother loves her unconditionally. Unfortunately Erica followed that with an interrogation about Kendall’s reasons. Erica’s picking at the open wound that is Kendall sort of diminished the “unconditional” part of her statement.  If only Kendall had heard Erica tell Jack, “I will not allow anyone to attack my daughter.”

 

Jack. Jack. Jack. I have always adored you, but even crawling across cut glass naked might not get you back in my good graces. Of course Greenlee’s leaving has to be all Kendall’s fault. The reason your daughter fled, instead of turning to her father, could not possibly be because she did not want to hear you say, “I told you so.”

 

Damn I seem to be serious today. Can I blame it on Kendall? Just kidding. Can I blame it on the antibiotics and painkillers I am taking? Thanks.

 

Usually being sick makes me long to be a patient at PVH, but no longer. Not when they hook Babe up to a nebulizer and forget to plug it in. My mother had a nebulizer and those babies are loud and steamy. Not only that, Babe has sucked on dates harder than she was sucking on equipment designed to help her breath.  (See, I can be sensitive. I used the word “dates” instead of “customers” or “teachers.”)

 

Plus if Amanda, who has a skull fracture, has to take a number, what hope would I have of ever seeing a doctor? I mean a real doctor not Jamie.

 

I have no segue for this except that I want to talk about Di. Unlike Jackson, Di took a major step towards redemption this week. She managed to get through the humiliation of the videotape with her dignity in tact. She is one of the few people in PV to admit she has done something horribly wrong and is willing face the consequences with grace. And most importantly, she did not blame her career as a pole dancer on Kendall.

 

And now for the non-sequitur portion of the program.

 

When Ryan was fondling Greenlee’s bra, were anyone else’s prayers answered when he did not progress to sniffing her panties?

 

Janet in that wedding veil was wonderful. Sort of like Ms. Haversham on acid. Made me laugh. Yet when she spoke about being “Chubby Checker me” it made me sad for her. I adore Kate Collins.

 

Now we know that Greg lives at the Valley Inn, but where does Josh live? Oh, yeah, he lives under a rock.

 

“Can I speak with her?”  Who was Di calling?  Dixie? Her mother? The woman who does her bikini waxing? Or merely her parole officer? I think it all depends on how Cady McClain’s contract negotiations turn out.

 

Speaking of bikinis, life in the WPP really did toughen Julia up. Tough enough to swim in the Pine Valley Ocean in early December.  Brian Frons really had to reach for that excuse to have a PV woman scantily and inappropriately clad.

 

“Ryan is not Michael Cambias.”  That’s true, Erica. Michael even with all his heinous felonious faults was interesting.

 

Jamie in his underwear. If his brains were as large as his package I might believe he was smart enough to handle medical school.

 

This commentary started with Greenlee and it is going to end with her. This is the scene I would have preferred as her final one:

 

Paris. The late afternoon sun warms a sidewalk café. A beautiful couple shares a table. She is drinking Lillet, he is drinking Campari and soda. They are laughing the intimate laugh of a couple in love. Yes, Greenlee and Leo are laughing at how ridiculous Ryan always looked in his nez de clown.

 

 

Will this week’s spoilers be ridiculous or not? Let’s see:

 

Over at Casa Chandler:

 

JR messes with Babe’s emotions and Babe messes with his.

 

Remember now, JR’s messing means he is evil; Babe’s messing means her doggone heart is as big as the doggone outdoors.

 

JR gives Kendall parenting advice, which angers her.

 

Kendall is justifiably stressed. It’s one thing to plan on giving birth, it’s quite another to realize you are actually going to be a mother.

 

Krystle is concerned that Babe is falling for JR and begs her to give up her plan.

 

Yes, Babe’s plan is stupid. On the other hand Babe is much more interesting when she is with JR. They sizzle as opposed to the soforic effect of Babe and Jamie.

 

Babe and JR kiss but Babe does not let it go any further.

 

What happened? Did JR not put enough cash on the nightstand?

 

Adam believes Krystal will leave if he insists on consummating their marriage. Krystal surprises him by saying a “real” marriage is just what she wants.

 

Adam is so adept at being a cunning linguist you would think he could convince Krystal to go. Of course his skills as a cunning linguist could be one reason she doesn’t want to leave.

 

This week on Surrogacy: Secrets, Suspicions and Sperm:

 

Kendall wakes up to find she is  not swinging from a star but swinging in a hammock attached to the roof instead.

 

Man, that roof gets more action than Zach. Now, who put Kendall in that predicament? Well, since everything is Kendall’s fault, she must have done it to herself. Who else could have done it? Certainly not Jonathan, because he---is a----wo—od----good—b-b-boy---cow—now.

 

Zach rescues his wife.

What I like about Zach is that he doesn’t need a stupid Dynamite Kiddo ring to prove he is a hero. His actions prove it.

 

Elated by the rescue, Kendall’s mood is deflated when she finds that Zach has signed the divorce papers.

 

Zach undoubtedly sees that as another way to rescue Kendall, by giving her what she wants.

 

Zach convinces Kendall that they should travel together to get their divorce. On a tropical island.

 

Well, these kids never did get a honeymoon.

 

Ryan tells Kendall that he will support whatever decisions she makes about the baby.

 

As long as she divorces Zach. Worships Ryan. Gets Erin set up as co-host on New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?) And names Jonathan the new “Man of Enchantment.”

 

Unfortunately the Bloody Laverys are still in town.

 

Zach strongly advises Ryan to stay away from Kendall and her baby.

I would just be happy if Ryan stayed away from the front burner for about five years.

 

Zach starts punching Jonathan but Julia and Spotted Dick stop him.

 

Please tell me it’s because they want a crack, with a tire iron, at Jonathan.

 

Erin tries to figure out how many enemies Kendall has.

 

A few, Erin, but not any that would endanger a pregnant woman. In fact the only enemy Kendall has ever had that threatened her life, besides the very dead Michael Cambias, is Jonathan. I have a sinking feeling it will turn out to be someone other than Jonathan. He seems destined to be PV’s Patron Saint in Waiting.

 

Kendall’s bad week only gets worse:

 

Livia has surprising papers for Babe to sign. Greenlee has given Babe her Fusion stock.

 

I know Greens does not see it as rewarding Babe but as punishing Kendall. Still I think Leo would be very disappointed in her for giving such bounty to the woman who kept Bianca from Miranda.

 

Kendall and Babe do not agree when it comes to business.

 

“Babe, you idiot, you do not ask the President of Lacey’s to show you his driver’s license before taking a meeting.”

 

Other stuff happens, too

 

Myrtle has a lot to do this week.

 

Between Janet and Myrtle I almost look forward to AMC every day.

 

Di gets the job at Greg’s clinic.

 

She will be a good receptionist and she will save them money. Instead of all those subscriptions to porn magazines she can just pole dance for each depositor.

 

Tad convinces Di to nose around the clinic for him.

 

And the Adventures of DiSpy begin.

 

Tad tells Di he found a file about the Martin family in Greg’s room.

 

Maybe Greg just wanted the recipe for Kate’s special coffee cake?

 

Di tells Tad a secret about Dixie.

 

Dixie taught Di to pole dance?

 

Amanda tells Josh she has blackouts.

 

Making her the perfect person for Josh to set up. I do not know for what exactly but Josh seems like he is always looking for someone to set up.

 

Josh tells Erica he is on her side.

 

Erica, my dear, do you need help removing that knife from your back?

 

Jamie is determined to prove that Amanda is the soup poisoner.

 

“But Jamie I don’t even own poisoning panties!”

 

Sam and his friends harass Jonathan.

 

Sam has friends?

 

Oh those AMC actors:

 

Kate Collins will bring Janet back for the holidays.

 

Bianca and Janet both back in town. At the very least Christmas in Pine Valley will be interesting.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate

Sun, Nov. 27th, 2005, 11:04 am

 

For the week of Nov 27, 2005


 

My Thanksgiving was great. It was restful. It was quiet. It was filled with good cheer. 

Obviously I did not spend Thanksgiving in Pine Valley. Holidays in the Valley are always an interesting time. They have been known to bring out the best in PV residents but that is a rare occurrence.  This Thanksgiving was not one of those rare times. How could it be given all that has happened over the past few months? Although it would have been fun to see the Slaters cooking their first Thanksgiving dinner together. Naked.

 

This year we were treated to glimpses into only two families: the Chandler Conglomerate and the Kane-Montgomery-Lavery-Hayward-Slater-Madden food fight, I mean, food fest.

 

JR certainly knows how to make his guests feel part of the pre-dinner entertainment doesn’t he? One of Di’s lifelong wishes was to be a “special” part of a “special” family. Her experience this Thanksgiving will teach her to be more careful about what she wishes for in the future, won’t it?

 

I can understand JR’s need to humiliate Di, because she humiliated him. He truly believed Di was whistling Dixie when in fact she played him for a fool. However, now that he has that out of his system I hope he moves on. Not because I have any sympathy for Di but because we already have Babe being made into a victim/heroine and one of those is all I can stomach. And I can barely handle that.

 

The gathering at Casa Chandler seemed an odd crew. If Palmer really felt the need to be present, why didn’t he bring Petey along? If ever there was child who would enjoy a lap dance, it’s Petey.

 

I was puzzled, too, as to why Tad was at the Chandlers instead of with Jamie and Brooke. Then I realized that Jamie was most likely called into PVH to perform emergency heart surgery. As for Brooke, the writers have forgotten about her, so why should I be surprised that Tad has too?

 

I won’t be surprised if next year the Valley Inn tells Erica they are completely booked when she calls for Thanksgiving reservations.

 

If Erica does manage to book a table, people will be begging for invitations just to see what happens. This year alone, hearts will be broken, maybe careers will be ruined and Erica will realize that she is related to the child Kendall is carrying. Not that it makes her a grandmother, mind you, but she is related to it.

 

The saddest part about the Kane-Montgomery-Hayward-Slater-Madden dinner is that they will not get to eat it. Very sad indeed considering that the Valley Inn chef made a Lavery family recipe for the occasion. And what was it? Why, sage, chestnut and clown nose dressing of course.

 

I admit that for a brief moment on Wednesday I felt badly for Greenlee. Given her poor prognosis for future pregnancies, she is understandably heartbroken that she will not be the biological mother. Yes, if her anger were about that, I would continue to be sympathetic. However since it will undoubtedly be all about Ryan my sympathy will be very short lived.

 

I am sympathetic to Kendall since the Patron Saint of the Disenfranchised Embryo will undoubtedly be demoted back to Pariah of the Valley. Sympathetic, but confused. For years, we have seen that most of Kendall’s emotional problems stem from feeling that Erica abandoned her. Kendall has brought up, over and over again, that Erica “gave her away.”  How then could Kendall so easily decide to give her child away to the Laverys?   Erica had valid reason to have Kendall adopted. She was 14 and had been raped. While that truth was hard for Kendall to accept, it seems to me that Kendall’s explanation of “the world needed Ryan’s baby” will be much harder for her son to accept.  Goodness knows I cannot accept it at all.

 

I can accept the medical inaccuracies of the surrogacy story far easier than I can accept this character inconsistency.

 

 

I thought it was also character inconsistency for the Martins not to have a big Thanksgiving dinner at their home. Then I realized Joe and Ruth probably went to Nova Scotia to visit their front porch.

 

All My Thanksgiving Schmattes

 

Clothing in Pine Valley is one thing that confuses me all the time.  Somehow it was appropriate for Greenlee, recovering from bruised ribs, to wear a tight strapless dress when leaving the hospital. Yet she wore pants to Thanksgiving dinner at the very proper Valley Inn. And the purse she was carrying was just about as big as Pennsylvania.

 

The colors of Greens’ top were nice. Very autumnal, as were the colors Simone was wearing. However Kendall should have been suspicious the moment Greenlee dressed her for a Saint Patricks Day Parade instead of Thanksgiving. The word schmatte was invented for just such an outfit.

 

And was Di wearing a nun’s underwear for her lap dance? Or was it simply thermal underwear cut down a bit?  

 

And now for the non-sequitur portion of the column.

 

“I know CPR. HELP!   JR had to go to CPR class to learn to shout “HELP” when someone is injured?   If he hadn’t taken the class would he have just sat there?  If so, maybe JR should be auditing Lily’s life skills class.

 

I would love for the person who shot at Jonathan to have a brain tumor.  That would be beautiful Karmic payback.

 

“My allegiance is to Greenlee.”  When David said that, I mourned again the supercouple that could have been.

 

I loved when Adam mentioned Palmer and fried chicken.  Ahh, sweet memories of Cluck Cluck Chicken. Memories that had me mourning the loss of Opal and Palmer.

 

NuDerek has turned out to be one hardass, hasn’t he? Not that I am complaining but if I were a criminal in PV I would be lawyering up before I committed a crime.

 

“If someone told me that Kendall Hart would redefine friendship...” I just wanted to smack Ryan when he said that. Kendall redefined a lot of things when she was ready to go to prison for a murder she did not commit. Ryan on the other hand has not redefined anything about himself.

 

I think New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?) should be cancelled. What should air in its place? Why, Zach and The Spotted Dick, of course. Aidan and Zach were simply delightful together.

 

“You and I both ended up loving Greenlee.” True, Kendall, but sadly only Ryan had sex with her.

 

I have been thinking a little bit more about Erica “As god is my witness I will never be called Grandma” Kane. Another grandchild is going to be problematic for her. Imagine her introducing both of them to the owner of Baby Gucci. “This is Miranda. She is my daughter Bianca’s baby. And the wonderful amazing Ryan Lavery is this handsome little fellow’s father. His mother? Oh, my daughter Kendall. We named him after the sweetest man, his Uncle Jonathan. Say “Hello” to Lil’Hockit.”

 

 Will this week’s spoilers be problematic for us or not? Let’s see:

 

The festivities continue at Casa Chandler:

 

Di offers to tell JR anything he wants to know about her past.

 

As soon as the writers finish re-writing it of course.  I do not really care about Di’s history. What I care about is how much responsibility she takes for her actions in the present.

 

Tad begins to respect Di.

 

Respect will lead to love. And love will lead to the return of Dixie.

 

Remember when Krystal told Adam her Thanksgiving soup would have him wanting to sleep with her? Instead, it sends Adam to the Emergency Room.

 

Well, sex with Krystal could have sent him to the ER, too.

 

Babe and Krystal also have to go the ER.

 

Only this time it’s not for sex.

 

Josh finds Amanda roaming aimlessly in the road. He takes her to the ER.

 

Why is that different behavior for Amanda? The writers have had her wandering aimlessly since she returned to PV.

 

Suspicions are running high that Amanda poisoned the soup. Amanda swears she is innocent.

 

That’s what Amanda gets for wearing her red herring panties to the Chandlers.

 

Josh backs Amanda up.

 

Against the wall? No silly, in her claims of innocence.  Josh’s loyalties certainly are fluid, aren’t they?

 

The holiday fun continues at the Valley Inn:

 

Kendall admits that yes, it was her egg that was fertilized with Ryan’s sperm.

 

Making it just the luckiest little egg in the world, right?

 

Kendall explains what happened and why her egg had to be used.

 

Well, Rebecca Budig is leaving and there is no way Greenlee would leave without her baby. And Greenlee is Jack’s daughter so there is no way she could be killed off. And the writers must be smoking crack again because they believe Ryan is my soulmate.  And since all this matters more than my long established abandonment issues, my egg was used. Got it?”

 

Greenlee does not buy Kendall’s explanation. She believes Kendall’s true motivation was to get back with Ryan.

 

Wasn’t Ryan “dead” when the fertilization happened?  It’s not as if he and Greenlee were on a break, he was “dead.”

 

Greenlee announces she is leaving town. Ryan wants to go with her.

 

I think that is an excellent idea. Go with her Ryan. Trust me, we will adjust.

 

Greenlee refuses Ryan’s offer. She tells him he has to stay in Pine Valley for his son’s sake.

 

C’mon, admit it, Greenlee, it’s really because Ryan would be bringing Jonathan with him, isn’t it? And I don’t blame you at all.

 

Erica is furious with Greg.

 

So furious that her head tossing is out of control, getting hair in everyone’s salad.

 

When Tad hears the Surrogacy Saga, he agrees to dig up dirt on Greg Madden.

 

I don’t know, it just seems like Spotted Dick would be more suited for this case.

 

Fearing her mother’s wrath, Kendall is quite surprised when Erica wants to understand why Kendall did what she did.

 

As do we all, Erica, as do we all.

 

Zach is exceedingly kind to Kendall. She doesn’t understand why.

 

Read my lips, Kendall : “He love you.” Sometimes Kendall is so dense. Lovely but dense.

 

Zach defends Kendall to all comers.

 

This is what women want. A man who will defend you and your actions even if he does not quite understand them himself.

 

Myrtle advises Zach to tell Kendall how he really feels.

 

A Myrtle/Zach scene. Even better than a Zach/Spotted Dick scene.

 

Myrtle decides she needs to take action on the Slaters’ behalf.

 

Nothing stops a carny girl once she gets an idea in her head. Kendall and Zach do not stand a chance and that is a good thing, indeed.

 

Jonathan---blames---Kendall for---destroy---ing---his- broth—er’s--- carriage—marriage.

 

Like brother, like brother. Everything is always Kendall’s fault.

 

Someone attacks Kendall from behind.

 

Could this be the Zach and Kendall sex I have been craving? Alas no it just a simple case of assault.

 

One other thing happens, too:

 

Ryan and Julia sympathize with each other.

 

I cannot wait for their book, Pity Parties for Losers, to come out, can you?

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate

Sun, Nov. 20th, 2005, 11:37 am

 


For the week of Nov 20, 2005

 


(This wonderful picture comes courtesy of Bernie and Nikki at www.karaokemiami.com They surprised me with pictures from their SSW trip. Thank you Nikki and Bernie for letting us see Thorsten Kaye not wearing a suit!  I am not prone to bragging but I really do have the best readers.)

 

That picture certainly gets this column off on a positive note, doesn’t it?

 

I do not even have to struggle to find something positive to say about this past week’s AMC thanks to the wonderful Kate Collins. Her return as Janet was the best AMC return in recent memory. Ms. Collins stepped back into the role as if she had never left. It is an understatement to say that Janet is an over-the-top character but Ms. Collins has never played her as a caricature. Janet’s heart and soul are always present. We see not only Janet’s psychosis but also the damage Wilma did to her. And Janet’s struggle to be “normal.”  Add to that Ms. Collins’ perfect comedic timing and what’s not to love?

 

I laughed when Janet walked into the room looking like she had just stepped out of Cherry Ames: Private Duty Nurse.  And I confess to quicktears when Janet was telling Amanda about her loneliness.

 

Amanda. In her scenes with Janet she felt real to me for the first time. Isn’t it amazing how a good actor can bring out the best in her fellow players? I have said for years that soaps make a huge mistake putting inexperienced actors into a storyline with other inexperienced actors. The results are seldom good.

 

As surprising as Amanda was, the writing supporting Janet’s return was even more so. Janet’s history was spot on. The enjoyment I felt while watching Janet was reminiscent of the pleasure I used to feel watching AMC.

 

Frankly, I do not get any pleasure from watching the Lavery Hour. Especially since the people shooting at them keep missing. When the Laverys were standing in the alley, I kept hoping Jack and Aidan would revive that Pine Valley pastime ”dumpster dumping.” I think I would have enjoyed that even more than the dumpster dumping of Michael Cambias.

 

Ryan’s tone of entitlement when bringing up Michael Cambias to Jack infuriated me. And the increasingly annoying Erin topped that by referring to Aidan as a “revenge seeking jerk.”  Well if someone had killed two of my friends and terrorized a few more, revenge might be on my mind, too.

 

Let’s face it, the Laverys are one tacky family. Arrogantly tacky.  They lack the class and grace to allow Jonathan’s victims time to be upset and angry.

 

The writers seemed determined to not allow the viewers to feel that way, either. A million visits from the lovely Lily are not going to change my mind about Jonathan. And Julia’s sudden psychic ability to read a man’s soul is not working for me, either. I expect that any moment Stuart will give a “Jonathan has a good heart, I can see it” speech.

 

The declawing of Erica, which began with her lack of revenge plans for the Concubines, continues:

 

Jack: “For all intents and purposes Ryan helped his brother harm Greenlee.”

 

Erica: “OK, I think you are oversimplifying.”

 

Erica seems to have forgotten that Edmund was her “dear, dear friend” and that Jonathan terrorized her daughters.  I have issues with Erica, but sacrificing the character’s essence for plot line purposes has got to stop.

 

I could go on for hours about this, but will end now by answering Jonathan’s question “Is the bad really over?”  Nope, Jonathan, as long as AMC is the Lavery Hour, the bad will never be over.

 

Now for the non sequitur portion of the program.

 

Finally I see the real reason Anita is hanging around Pine Valley. First, she lets Zach eavesdrop over the intercom. Then she lets Zach know Kendall is in the hospital and this week she let Kendall know about Zach’s visit. Obviously Anita is playing, albeit unintentionally, Cupid for the Slaters. Come here, Anita, let me give you a hug.

 

I did not want to hug Jamie this week, but I did like him for a moment. It was when he said, “Janet.. (I mean) Mrs. Dillon.”  I think that was the first time he has shown respect for an adult.  Janet may be crazy but in that scene she brought out the best in Jamie.

 

She’s carrying my baby so of course I want what’s best for Kendall.”   I did not need further proof that Ryan is a self-serving arrogant jerk, but it was nice to have one of my core AMC beliefs confirmed.

 

The surrogate story is close to getting on my last nerve. It will all be worth it though when the Lifetime movie comes out. It’s title? Why, Ryan Junior Has Two Mommies, of course.

 

How wonderful was it to see Myrtle? If the Slaters ever get around to renewing their vows, I want Myrtle to be Zach’s “best person.”

 

In case you were wondering, I am not the one who shot at Jonathan. Honest. I even have an alibi: I was helping Zach rearrange his sock drawer.

 

Ahh Zach. When he asked, “You wanted me?” how many of us shouted out, “Yeah, baby!”

 

Speaking of characters who make me warm, why is David still doing community service?

 

Since it is the season of indulgence, I will indulge myself by re-writing one of Greenlee’s lines. It was when she and Kendall were discussing baby names:

 

“We need a name that sounds like music and means fate or transcendence or miracle baby or clown nose.”

 

Speaking of music, will this week’s spoilers have us singing a happy tune or not? Let’s see:

 

There will be no ABC soaps this Friday. On Thursday AMC will be showing a repeat featuring Greenlee and Ryan’s wedding.

 

I would prefer to watch an endless loop of Zach rubbing Kendall’s feet but maybe that’s just me.

 

Let’s get the Bloody Laverys out of the way.

 

Aidan goes to visit Jonathan and finds JR already there.

 

It’s probably too much to hope that JR is there to offer Jonathan huge piles of cash to leave town.

 

JR gives Jonathan a hard time.

 

Further proof that JR is evil, pure and simple. How dare he pick on poor sweet Jonathan?

 

Jonathan’s anger bursts forth. This helps confirm Spotted Dick’s belief that brain tumor or not, Jonathan is still dangerous.

 

Aidan really is a revenge seeking jerk, isn’t he? Doesn’t he realize that Jonathan is just upset?

 

Derek questions Aidan, Jack, Julia, Sam and Zach about the attempt on Jonathan’s life.

 

I think it’s probably Sam but it would be interesting if Maggie snuck back into PV to do the deed. Whoever it is I hope the DA decides it would be a waste of the taxpayers’ money to prosecute.

 

Ryan thinks the Laverys should find a new town to terrorize, I mean, a new town to live in. Jonathan explains why he wants to stay in Pine Valley.

 

And if anyone is capable of making a rational decision, it’s clearly Jonathan.  Fate must have one twisted sense of humor, how else to explain the Lavery line lasting this long?

 

This week on Surrogacy: Secrets, Suspicions and Sperm:

 

David confirms Greenlee’s worst fears.

 

That she won’t have hot passionate combustible sex with David before leaving town? Nope, that it’s Kendall’s biological baby not hers. (And isn’t that impossible given the hormone treatments Kendall was taking?)

 

Needing to confirm the egg duplicity, Greens seeks Joshua’s help in breaking into Greg’s office. Josh agrees.

 

“OK, OK, we can break into my dad’s office but we can only look at the file marked “Kendall’s Big Secret that Greenlee Can Never Know” not the file marked “Really Big Secret About Josh that Will Blow Pine Valley Sky High.”

 

Kendall tells Ryan that he and Greenlee will be having a son.

 

“Oh Wow. A Son! I can teach him so much. How to be pompous, how to treat women like dirt, how to lick his lips. Most importantly, I can teach him to make one clown nose last a lifetime.”

 

Now for Thanksgiving with the Kane-Montgomery family:

 

Jack and Erica are less than pleased when Lily tells them about her visit with Jonathan.

 

Is Reggie being punished for not keeping better track of Lily? Is that why there are no spoilers about him this week?

 

Jack and Erica are even more upset when David, Greg and Zach show up for dinner. Hey, they are not crashing. Greenlee invited them.

 

Let the games begin.

 

Jack and Ryan make peace.

 

And I am making my way to the bathroom because I think I am going to be sick.

 

Erica is stunned when she realizes that Kendall is in love with Zach.

 

“But I saw him first, I mean, I am just concerned your heart will get broken again, Kendall.”

 

Once everyone is seated, Greenlee announces that Kendall is not pregnant with her baby but rather with her own baby. (I love soaps because on a soap that sentence actually makes sense.)

 

We can all breath a sigh of relief because for the moment, it’s still Ryan’s baby. If that news makes you half as happy as it makes me…

 

Meanwhile over at the Chandler Mansion:

 

Wanting to protect her from whoever pushed her down the stairs, JR invites Babe to move into the mansion.

 

That SOB, how much more evil can he get?

 

Adam is less than pleased at Babe’s new living arrangements.

 

Of course he is. The cheese-in-a-can bill just doubled.

 

A private investigator delivers a videotape to JR. JR plans on using the tape to humiliate Di at Thanksgiving dinner.

 

Oh goody, I have always wanted to see Di Does Dallas.

 

I hope Thanksgiving finds you with the people you love the most and who drive you the least crazy.

 

And to my Canadian readers, a belated HappyThanksgiving and butter tarts all around!

 

Kate

Sun, Nov. 13th, 2005, 11:30 am

 

For the week of Nov 13, 2005  

 

 

“Bloody Laverys”

 

                  Aidan “Spotted Dick” Devane

Busy week here in Pine Valley. I initiated the procedure for anointing Aidan Devane as PV’s Patron Saint of All that is Right and Reasonable.  It wasn’t easy getting time on the City Council agenda since Erica “he was just upset” Kane is already vociferously campaigning to reinstate Ryan Lavery as Patron Saint of Pine Valley. (Her actions in this regard are causing quite a rift in her marriage. Marion Colby, gossip queen extraordinaire, told me she heard that Jackson is considering suing Ryan for “alienation of affection”. Where, oh, where is Donald Steele when we need him?)

 

It is more than a matter of getting Aidan anointed; I also had to come up with ideas for celebrating Aidan Devane Day. The owner of BJs has already volunteered to turn his restaurant into a pub for the day. The menu will feature fish n’chips, bangers and mash, a mixed grilled and sticky toffee pudding.  A spotted dick tasting competition is also in the works. Krystal Carey was quite pushy about wanting to judge that competition until I explained it wasn’t that kind of dick.

 

I also pointed out that unlike festivals honoring Ryan Lavery, we all would most definitely not be required to wear clown noses all day.

 

If this gets approved I will certainly let you know.

 

I have always liked Aidan despite his unfortunate pairing with Maureen. AMC needs a male character that is a decent, charming guy. And who could resist Aiden Turner’s spot on delivery of  “Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry I am a psychopathic killer. All better now.” ?

 

Did anyone else want to slap Erica when she admonished Aidan about being so harsh with Jonathan?  Aidan had good reason to believe that a multiple murderer was dangerous. And not only that, Jonathan had really upset Lily.

 

It was funny how Jonathan knew about Erica’s show New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?). I can see why Jonathan likes her show since it is clearly geared towards people whose brains are in reboot mode.

 

The question is, should Jonathan get a new beginning? Sigh, if only we had a vote in the matter. He has not been in town for a whole day and he is already terrorizing people. And his innocence-of-a four-year-old shtick is really wearing thin.

 

Last week I mentioned how this story could be a David Cross/ Just Shoot Me homage.  I hate the Laverys so much this week that I would prefer this story be an homage to Edward Norton in Primal Fear. Mr. Norton plays a multiple murderer. MOVIE SPOILER ALERT! In one of the final scenes Mr. Norton’s character reveals that he is not an innocent but rather he is a master manipulator.  He reveals this by slipping back into the hesitant speech patterns he used to convince those around him he was too naïve to have committed such heinous crimes. I would be doing a dance of joy if we had such a scene between Jonathan and Ryan. Picture this: after Jonathan has been acquitted of all his wrong doings, he and his brother are celebrating. Suddenly Jonathan is speaking normally. Ryan looks surprised.  Jonathan says, “I really had you going there, didn’t I Ry? With all my “ me..not… bad… anymore... me… good now… bad all gone.” Who’s the smartest brother now?”  For me, that would be a really good day in Pine Valley.

 

          END OF MOVIE SPOILER ALERT!     

 

Have I mentioned yet how I hate all things Lavery?

 

Damn. I did not need a crystal ball to predict that Ryan would be blaming the mess that is his life on Zach. It’s not Ryan’s fault for playing dead. It’s not Greenlee and Kendall’s fault that they rushed into surrogacy. Or that they were stupid enough to hang out in a burning building. No, it’s all Zach’s fault. If Ryan got menstrual cramps he would probably blame them on Zach, too.

 

It was hard watching Greenlee and Kendall behaving like idiots during the fire. I accept soap characters doing stupid things out of emotional need or pain. I understand that they will have sex with the wrong people including in-laws, that they will tell lies to get what they want, and that on occasion they will kill someone with a crowbar. However not fleeing a burning building is just plain stupid.  That scene made me borderline embarrassed to be watching it.

 

Speaking of borderline, did Jamie’s diagnosis of Amanda’s borderline skull fracture sound odd to anyone else?  Of course, someone mentioning Jamie having borderline brain activity would not sound odd to me at all.

 

I confess that Amanda almost had me when she questioned whether or not she would see Harold in heaven. Fortunately I am not easily manipulated. That line did give me hope though since “dead’ characters are often mentioned right before they return. I miss Harold. I confess that I cried when Trevor had him put down.

 

I also confess that I did have quicktears during Sam’s scene with Jonathan. It was the line,” I didn’t get to say good-bye. Or thank you. Or I love you.”  That line was not only well-written but surprisingly well delivered.

 

Di and Zach also had a good set of lines this week:

 

Di:  “Where is home now?”

 

Zach: “It’s where you wake up and try again.”

 

Simple lines that conveyed a lot about both characters.

 

Could someone please explain to me how the same writing team that wrote the above wonderful lines also wrote “We have lives to save and blood to draw.”   All the actors in that scene deserved extra pay for not bursting into laughter.

 

Just a few non-sequiturs this week:

 

Besides delivering the “lives to save” line with a straight face, Anita also gets points for calling Zach about Kendall’s medical emergency. It’s doubtful anyone else in PV would have done that.

 

And why didn’t Ryan let Erica know that two of her daughters were hospitalized? Didn’t it seem odd to him that Erica was hanging out with Jonathan instead of rushing to PVH? Or maybe Ryan just assumed that of course Erica would stay with his brother since anything Lavery trumps absolutely anything else.

 

Have I mentioned that I hate the Laverys?

 

“I want you to stay here with Lily.”  Of course Reggie will do that since the writers cannot find anything else for a talented teen to do. Speaking of which, is Dani still in town?

 

“You are so much more, how could I resist?” Ahh, Zach you cannot resist Kendall any more than I can resist you.

 

I am going to miss the Roadside bar. I have fond memories of Adam and Arlene’s ownership.

 

Where is Julia’s brain? Opening the safe in full view of an opportunist like Del was not the smartest thing to do. Unless Del steals all the cash and leaves town. Then in hindsight I will applaud Julia’s oversight.

 

My friend Chuck likes Hazel and wishes we could see her stick around. I like Hazel, too, but fear if she is on too often she will soon be a Lavery worshipper. And someone as forthright as Hazel deserves better.

 

This nuDerek is doing a good job. Still when NuDerek says his lines in my head I hear how William Christenson would have delivered them and miss him.

 

I may stop calling Ryan by his name and just refer to him as the Formerly Deceased Sperm Donor.  For that moment I enjoyed Greg Madden.

 

“Before you throw your life away I will put you in prison myself.”  I suspect that line was supposed to be further evidence that Adam is evil. I take it as evidence of Adam being a good parent. Adam has often risked JR’s hate in order to do what’s right as a parent. And what’s evil about that?

 

I hate how when Greenlee tells her life history she leaves out Leo.

 

Anyone else enjoy the big surprise this week? I am referring to the startling revelation that PVH has double rooms! In all my decades of watching I do not recall seeing a shared room before.  Hayley and Mateo once shared a room in the ER but that’s been it as far as I know.

 

Will this week’s spoilers hold more startling revelations? Let’s see:

 

Kendall and Greenlee would not be true PV sisters without a few secrets between them.

 

Kendall and Greg decide that their secret will remain a secret.

 

I understand how Greg can actually believe it will stay a secret. On the other hand, Kendall has lived in PV long enough to know that is never going to happen.

 

Greens continues to believe that there is a Maddening secret. Josh feeds Greenlee’s paranoia by telling her that all samples were destroyed during the blackout.

 

Josh really enjoys toying with people doesn’t he?  I bet he enjoys it almost as much as he enjoyed pulling the wings off insects when he was a child.

 

Greg tells Josh to not discuss what happened at the clinic during the blackout with anyone.

 

And if you don’t do as I say Joshua I will send you to live with your moth.. I mean I will send you to your room.”  Does Josh even have a room? Where do these people live?

 

 Kendall confesses her love for Zach to Greenlee.

 

Anyone want to bet that soon everyone in PV will know that Kendall loves Zach except Zach?

 

Kendall’s close moment with her sister ends when she finds out that Greens lied about Zach’s visit.

 

Kendall lasted longer than I did. My close moments with Greenlee ended when she fell in love with Ryan. Have I mentioned that I hate the Laverys?

 

Determined to uncover Kendall’s secret, Greenlee turns to David for help.

 

Of course she does because everyone forgets how much they loathe David when they need help. After he helps, her will Greens invite David for Thanksgiving dinner or even for lunch?  Yeah right.

 

There are more secrets over at the Chandler mansion.

 

JR stops the police from questioning Babe.

 

Because she doesn’t have an attorney present? Or because in PV nothing involving the justice system has to make any sense?

 

Babe pretends to be grateful to JR for his actions on her behalf. She later tells him that she still loves him. They kiss.

 

It’s not like it’s the first time Babe has kissed a drunk who hasn’t brushed his teeth.

 

JR opens up to Babe. Babe rushes to tell her mother that her plan is working.

 

Nothing like another Concubine Conspiracy to keep me tuning in to AMC every day.

 

Krystal gives unsolicited parenting advice to Adam.

 

And then Adam tells Krystal that JR is too old to start trading sex for good grades.

 

JR invites Babe to Thanksgiving dinner at the mansion.

 

Wouldn’t it be great if JR were playing Babe into thinking she was playing him?

 

JR also invites Di to Thanksgiving dinner as part of his nefarious plans for her.

 

Do JR’s plans include enticing Di into a little game of hide the sausage stuffing?

 

Oh my goodness, there are more lies over at PVH!

 

Derek tells Amanda that Babe confessed to being the driver. Amanda then insists that she saw Babe behind the wheel.

 

Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it make more sense to question Amanda about her accident memories before telling her Babe confessed?

 

JR visits Amanda and tells her to stick to her story about Babe being the driver.

 

If I were Amanda, and thank the gods I am not, I would expect JR to give me about 100K reasons to stick with my story.

 

Amanda tells Jamie that the night of the fire she was trying to be Babe’s BFF again. Jamie does not believe her.

 

“Oh but Jamie, look. See? I am not wearing my lying panties am I?”

 

Jamie thinks Amanda set the fire at the Roadside.

 

Whoa! This week’s startling revelation is that Jamie thinks.

 

Janet arrives from another planet to visit Amanda. Jamie wastes no time in telling Janet that he does not love her daughter. Janet wastes no time in taking out her crowbar.

 

OK, I made the last sentence up. Unfortunately.

 

I have not saved the best for last. I have saved the Laverys.

 

Jack believes the red herring, I mean Jonathan, set the fire.

 

Jack may be wrong about this particular thing but if he had a paypal account set up to fund his destroying the Laverys cause, I would be contributing.

Jonathan tells Ryan he did not set the fire.

 

This would be almost OK, since it is the truth, except that we know Ryan will be getting way too much self-righteous mileage from Jack’s “persecution” of Jonathan.

 

Jonathan and Livia meet with the DA. The DA decides there is not enough evidence to charge Jonathan.

 

How about charging the DA with incompetence?

 

The friction between Erin and Aidan continues.

 

Not too long, I guess, before they will be experiencing some horizontal friction. Want to bet they have sex before Kendall and Zach do? Sometimes life in the Valley is just not fair.

 

Erica gets it into her head that she can get Jack and Julia to make peace with Ryan.

 

Oh, Erica, you are supposed to inject the Botox, not sniff it.

 

Oh those AMC actors.

 

Eden Riegel returns to PV as Bianca for Christmas. And Binky is bringing Miranda with her.

 

For many AMC viewers, myself included, Christmas just came early.

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate

 

 

Mon, Nov. 7th, 2005, 11:02 am

 

For the week of Nov 7, 2005

This week another reason for wanting to live in Pine Valley presented itself. In Pine Valley DVR’s never implode. Mine did this week forcing me to sit through all 5 episodes today on SOAPNET. Sympathy, I want sympathy and I want it now.

 

SOAPNET surprised me by not doing a tie in with the Weather Channel report called “Hell Freezing Over and Its Impact on Global Warming” during AMC.

 

Why would AMC viewers have been interested? Because our very own Ryan Lavery caused Hell to freeze. How? By merely saying these words to Kendall:

 

“It’s not your fault. It’s completely my fault.”

 

Wow, I guess time in Canada really did change Ryan after all.

 

If only. True he hasn’t threatened to deck anyone or destroyed any hotel rooms. (Although I do think the Pine Cone should collect a damage deposit from the Laverys, don’t you?) Still, he doesn’t quite get that Greenlee might not see things the same way he does. Especially concerning Jonathan.

 

Did Ryan really think that after hearing him say, “Jonathan, let Erin out of the closet and put her on the phone, please” that there was any way Greens would believe that Jonathan was no longer dangerous?

 

Clearly Jonathan has not lost his proclivity for trapping women in small enclosed spaces.

 

Even more clearly Jonathan needs a speech therapist to help with his speech aphasia. The Careys have been doing fine murdering language in PV without Jonathan’s help.

 

In his confusion Jonathan really did say something funny. “Good people don’t go to jail.” Jonathan. Jonathan. This is PV, where it is more accurate to say, “Bad people don’t go to jail.”

 

I just pray there are no upcoming scenes featuring Lily, Stuart and Jonathan having a conversation. Then I will have no choice but to shoot myself.

 

Speaking of shooting oneself, there is one way TPTB could make this whole Jonathan story bearable for me. If it turns out this is their homage to David Cross’ guest appearance on the now defunct Just Shoot Me. Mr. Cross played brain-damaged Donnie. Only problem was that Donnie was not really brain damaged. He just enjoyed the manipulating perks of not being held responsible for his actions.

 

Now, if Jonathan is faking his brain damage and playing Ryan and Erin, then I am there.

 

(Speaking of Erin when we first saw her didn’t she have a personality?  She better be careful or we won’t be able to tell her apart from Anita Santos.)

 

I may not be thrilled that Jonathan is back, but I do not think he is the arsonist.  Jonathan is merely the first red herring. Of course, fire-by-space-heater coupled with Greens almost being charcoal will have everyone looking in Jonathan’s direction. However whoever set the fire came in through the back of that bar. The arsonist had no way of knowing that Kendall and Greens were the only ones in the bar. Far more likely that Babe was the target. And who wants to see Babe dead?  OK, that’s too broad a question. Who, recently, has a good reason for wanting Babe dead? Amanda seems likely, but not probable. Much more likely it was Janet.

 

Oh goody another chance to see Babe portrayed as a victim. Never can get too much of that.

 

It seems JR cannot get too much alcohol. While I don’t think getting drunk solves anything in the long run, I don’t think it necessarily makes him evil. Or as evil as I am supposed to think he is.

 

I, myself, came close to getting drunk during my AMC marathon. Not really, only because I don’t drink, but if I had taken a shot each time Julia said she had been in the WPP for nine, count ‘em, NINE years, I would have been totally bombed by the end of Wednesday’s episode. I had never realized how often she said that until I saw a week’s worth of AMC in one sitting.

 

Julia is a bit obsessive about that isn’t she? It’s a good thing Zach turned her down because did we really need this bit of dialogue? “Oh, Zach you are sooo big. Have you ever measured it?”” No, Julia, because I am secure in my manhood but Maria thought it was around nine inches.” “ Nine. Nine! Nine? Did you know that I was in the WPP for NINE years?”

What we saw between Zach and Julia was bad enough.  It was downright scary.

 

I get that Julia feels dead inside. However that flat affect coupled with monotone line delivery is making it very difficult for me to feel anything while watching her. And I know her history. It must be even worse for newer viewers who have no Julia memories, fond or otherwise. 

 

After watching Julia hit on Zach, we saw Di hitting on Tad. The latter was not scary, just rather pathetic. Pathetic because Di is choosing Tad over David. I could accept someone choosing Zach over David. Maybe. I could see someone who really does not appreciate a tortured male choosing Aidan over David. Why, oh, why would anyone choose Tad over David?

 

David, himself, summed up perfectly why I prefer him to Tad (or Ryan or Jamie ), “I don’t pretend to be someone I am not.” David is one of the most introspective characters on AMC. He knows who he is. He does not always like who he is, but he doesn’t deny the truth about himself, either. And few things are sexier than that.

 

Sigh.

 

And now for the non sequitur portion of this week’s column.

 

You are at the top of your class.  Yeah, right. The only way Jamie could be at the top of his class is by being the only one in his class. And having all his professors grade on the curve.

 

Di’s taste in men may be pathetic but I do admire how she quickly assembled a new wardrobe. There doesn’t seem to be a single Di O’ the Wisp outfit in her closet these days.

 

Ryan probably would not have felt as much pain if he had been wearing his clown nose when Jack punched him.

 

“We’d all be better off if people stayed dead.”  I love Pine Valley because someone, JR, can say that and no one, Kendall, bats an eye.

 

Did Sam ask Brooke to give Julia an allowance? How else is she getting money these days?

 

There is a way that Julia could get big bucks. How you may ask? She could sue her pharmacy. Why you may ask?  Well, they clearly have given her testosterone patches instead of birth control patches.

 

I felt badly for Harold when Amanda said, “I hate dogs”.  Ahh, Harold. Now there is a character who definitely should come back from the dead.

 

“If I wanted to, I would nail Di.”  No surprise there, JR. We have known that since your first scene together.

 

“Every time I try to love someone, I screw it up.”  Zach said it, but it could just as easily been said by Kendall. Which is why they will be wonderful together. Wonderful until they screw it up of course. But hey, that’s soaps..

 

Which leads me to JR asking Kendall if there will be a happy ending. Of course not, this is Pine Valley.

 

And finally, I have one question of my own: Do Amanda’s “doctor panties” come with malpractice insurance?

 

And now to the spoilers.

 

It’s Captain Dynamite Kiddo to the rescue.

 

Stupidly, Greenlee tries to put out the fire. She discovers fanning the flames was not a good idea and becomes trapped in the fire herself.

 

I realize this is a soap and not real life. Really I do. However, doesn’t it seem totally ridiculous that Greens and Kendall would not run back down the stairs and dial 911 on their cells while fleeing the bar?

 

Kendall refuses to leave Greenlee alone in the fire.

 

A noble sentiment but wouldn’t it be more helpful if Kendall dialed 9ll on her cell phone? Martyrdom is one thing; stupid martyrdom is quite another.

 

Ryan arrives and soon realizes Kendall and Greens are trapped. He pauses, thinking, “Hmmm, when I left town wasn’t this a one story building?”  And then, with no thought to his personal safety, he charges in to save the women folk.

 

Ryan as hero and he has not even been back a month. What a surprise. What would be a pleasant surprise? If Ryan set the fire so he could regain his hero status.

 

Ryan picks up Greenlee and heads out. She screams at him to stop and save Kendall. After all she is carrying his baby. Ryan pauses to think, “Hmmm… I don’t remember having sex with Kendall before I left. And didn’t I have a vasectomy before I left town? I know I never used the word vasectomy but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have one.” Still puzzled Ryan drops Greens on her head and picks up Kendall.

 

OK. OK. He probably doesn’t drop Greens on her head. 

 

Ryan goes back into the fire and rescues Greenlee. And then he goes back in and rescues the kittens he heard mewing in the corner. And then he goes back in and rescues the owner’s favorite pool cue.

 

And then he asks the writers, “Am I redeemed yet? ‘Cause I sure am getting tired of running back into that burning building.”

 

Greenlee is concerned that Ryan will not take the news of impending fatherhood very well. She is afraid he will leave town.

 

And I am afraid he won’t leave town. Ever again.

 

Ryan promises to always be there for the baby.

“In fact to prove it to you Greenlee, I am going out and buying him his very first clown nose!”

 

Kendall tells Greenlee that she needs to reconcile with Ryan.

 

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was Kendall that Ryan dropped on her head.

 

While arguing about their children, Erica tells Jack that Kendall is the Laverys surrogate.

 

“Please, Erica, for the love of God, please tell me you mean surrogate as in surrogate court.” “ Well, no, you silly, I mean surrogate as in carrying their baby.” “You mean to tell me that your daughter is helping inflict another generation of Laverys on to the world and you didn’t tell me?”

 

Zach comes to visit Kendall. He tells his unconscious wife that he loves her.

 

Sigh. Shall we start a pool on how long it takes Zach to tell a conscious Kendall that he loves her? Three months, six months?  While she’s giving birth?

 

Greenlee tells a now awake Kendall that Zach never came to the hospital.

 

Now here is the Greenlee I enjoy. The “I’m a bitch, that’s what I do”  Greenlee.

 

It’s a fairly rough night throughout the Valley.

 

JR did not hit a speed bump or Bambi, he hit a skunk. Yes, he hit Amanda with his car.

 

And yet we are supposed to think this is a bad thing.

 

Just as Derek is about to arrest JR for a DUI and skunk hitting, Babe says she was driving the car.

 

That girl’s heart is just as wide as all get out, isn’t it?

 

Later Babe tells JR that he was driving the car and that she lied to protect him. He doesn’t believe her.

 

I don’t know why JR does not believe Babe. It’s not like she lied to him before. He must just be evil.

 

JR truly does not remember the accident. Later his memories become more clear. He realizes the horrible truth.

 

That he is now indebted to Babe.

 

Krystal blackmails Adam with the truth about the accident.

 

I think this was covered in their marriage vows wasn’t it? To love, honor and blackmail?

 

Meanwhile Jonathan remains on the loose.

 

Jonathan encounters Lily. Jonathan tells Lily he is sorry about what he did to her. Lily retreats deep into herself.

 

Poor Lily. They probably don’t cover people returning from the dead in her life skills class. Although it probably would be a good idea to add it to the PV curriculum.

 

Aidan is none too pleased to find out that yet another presumed dead Lavery is alive. Being the super private spotted dick that he is, Aidan finds Jonathan. Aidan decides to do the best thing, call the police. Erin has different ideas and cold cocks Aidan.

 

It’s OK because she did to protect a Lavery. A poor misunderstood Lavery. Pine Valley’s new First Family.

 

Lily advises Jack not to call the police about Jonathan.

 

I know you love your daughter, Jack, but perhaps taking her advice in this situation is not the best idea.

 

Erica is so terrified when she sees Jonathan she almost looks her age. 

 

And that’s pretty damn terrified.

 

Jonathan tells Erica he wants a New Beginning (did you know that is the name of Erica’s new show?)

 

At first Erica refuses and then she thinks, “Hmmm. I have already been reduced to doing makeovers at the local mall. A new beginning for a multiple murderer and woman abuser might be just the thing my new show, called New Beginnings, needs.”

 

Jack wants Jonathan sent to prison. Sam cannot wait that long. He steals a gun and goes after Jonathan.

 

On the bright side, we can hope Jonathan kills Sam in self-defense.

 

Ryan and Erin try to convince people that Jonathan’s bad behavior was caused by a brain tumor.

 

Well, that excuse did work for Liza Colby, why not Jonathan?

 

Other stuff happens, too.

 

Zach and Di confess that they love Kendall and Tad, respectively. This being Pine Valley, Zach and Di fall into a passionate kiss.

 

I must say that AMC has upped it’s kissing frequency quite a bit over the past few weeks. If only the kisses were between people who should be kissing-like Zach and Kendall.

 

Zach and Di decide that one kiss is all that will happen since they love other people.

 

Zach gets extra points for not making fun of Di for loving Tad.

 

Di informs Del that she is never leaving PV.

 

Would that she would end that scene by saying, “so you can run along now. And leave my kidney in the refrigerator on the way out, please.”

 

Josh searches his father’s office and finds a startling secret.

 

Notes saying that the first actor to play Josh had more personality? Or merely the information that it is not Greenlee and Ryan’s baby Kendall is carrying?

 

Greg is relieved that Josh did not find everything he has hidden.

 

His secret stash of red licorice whips?

 

Di and Julia’s friendship deepens.

 

They are becoming quite the regulars at the Blue Angel aren’t they?

 

Here’s to another week in theValley.

 

Kate

Sun, Oct. 30th, 2005, 10:56 am

For the week of Oct 30

 

I am almost in a good mood while typing this. There is a frisky air in the city where I live. Not because of Halloween, which is a fine holiday, but because this week Dia de Los Muertos is celebrated. The stores are stocked with sugar skulls. People construct altars in their homes to honor dead loved ones. Families picnic on graves. It all culminates next weekend with the Dia de Los Muertos Celebration and Marigold Parade.  While treating death with a fiesta sounds odd or even disrespectful to some, to me it seems a very healthy approach to death. Life and death are eternally intertwined so why not have a holiday that honors the dead with celebration?

 

And why am I talking about this in an AMC column? Because I do not know how anyone in Pine Valley could have any kind of attitude towards death that would even approach any parameters of healthy.

 

Can you imagine trying to be a grief counselor in Pine Valley? Counseling JR through his mother’s death and then three years later, counseling him through it again because someone pretended to be his not dead mother? Helping Greenlee through her second widowhood only to thing have to help her later with her anger because the SOB was only pretending to be dead?

 

No wonder Pine Valley citizens tend to be self-centered, whiny and immature.

 

Julia certainly has been whining since she returned from the Witness Protection Program, which as she described that while not being officially death was pretty close to being buried alive. I have had no sympathy for her until this week. I felt almost sorry for her when she was hearing the voices from her past life in her head. Yes, she came back to “life” but it is a life quite different from the one she imagined. Gone is her beloved brother-in-law Edmund. And this time he is really dead. No happy returns for Eddie this time. And how dead Noah is depends on contract negotiations. Maria is in California, Rosa is probably still in Egypt, and Anita is barely a blip on the PV radar, so Julia cannot hang out with her sisters. Once Julia sees fauxIsabella she is not going to want to hang out with Mami either. Let’s face it, Sam is the kind of nephew that could make a person beg to be let back into the WPP. And with Mateo living in California, Julia is going to have pay strangers for pedicures. No wonder she is so crabby.

 

Ryan’s return from the dead is definitely making me crabby. He is still an arrogant, self-centered lip licker. He really is taking no responsibility for the damage both his death and his resurrection have caused. Greenlee’s needs are no more important to him now than before he left. He cannot even grant her simple request to be left alone. He is back on his Lavery high horse with Zach, who is too much of a gentleman to ask for his travel advance back. And, as always,  Ryan wants Kendall around when he needs her and treats her with disdain when he doesn’t.

 

Who knew Kendall would become Pine Valley’s favorite resident?” Did anyone think Ryan sounded more than just a little bit jealous when he said that?  Wait until he finds out Kendall is also the Patron Saint of the Disenfranchised Embryo. It’s not going to be pretty. No matter who the writers finally decide the little tyke’s biological parents are.

 

Now that Di has come clean about not being JR’s biological parent she can be herself. Whoever that turns out to be. Di has already turned out to have much better hair than DiDixie.  And much more expertise with make-up.  She probably even stopped for a Brazilian on the way over to Tad’s. This chick is just one revelation after another.

 

Whatever her final transformation turns out to be, she will fit right in with the rest of Pine Valley. Her believing Julia’s line, “If you run now, you don’t deserve the life you stole,” proves she has the keen grasp of situational ethics necessary to survive in PV.

 

Dressing well is also a requirement to surviving in Pine Valley, hence the return of

 

All My Schmattes

 

What is going on with the wardrobe department at AMC? Are they smoking too much crack or not enough? Pine Valley used to be sartorially splendid, now it is sartorially sad.

 

Why was Greenlee wearing a top that was recycled from one of Kate Martin’s old tablecloths? “Oh, Ruth, don’t you think these roosters will look so cute on Sundays when I serve my famous coffee cake?”

 

True, Livia looked better this week, which is not to say she looked as good as she could.  Get that a woman the right size bra and a top that doesn’t bunch up in the front. She is, after all, supposed to be a successful lawyer. Dress her like one.

 

I know I was supposed to be happy that Julia was getting dressed up and getting out. Yet when she came down the stairs in that sequined feathered thing, my first thought was, “Did Eddie Izzard have a garage sale?”

 

And then we have Erica. Erica who usually looks good, albeit a bit overdressed at most times. I was puzzled this week by her milkmaid outfit made from gold splashed chiffon. Are AMC budgets so tight that they have been reduced to using costumes from the road company of The Sound of Music? 

 

Between the dress and her hair in the style usually reserved for Erica-as-a-teenager flashbacks, I kept expecting Erica to burst into “I am Sixteen, Going on Seventeen” at any moment.  (Who knows? Maybe we will see that on the next episode of New Beginnings. Did you know Erica has a new show?)

 

And for the non-sequitur portion of the program.

 

I loved the nonchalance Zach showed while playing with the butterfly cocoon. I would have loved it even more had he picked up Ryan’s clown nose and juggled both of them while talking with Greenlee.

 

No good deed goes unpunished.”  When Krystal said that to babydoll I finally realized I have misunderstood Krystal. Her lack of doing good deeds isn’t because she doesn’t want to do them, it’s because she’s afraid of being punished.  Maybe this will teach me not to be so quick to judge the next set of grifters that come to PV.

 

Speaking of grifters, where is Del living now that Di has moved to Wildwind?

 

Speaking of living quarters, where do Greg and Josh live? Over the clinic? With Hazel?  In the old Jake/Mia/Liza loft? In the mausoleum at Wildwind?

 

 

The Stuart/Lily scene was sort of cute, but does Stuart seem to be getting slower as time goes by? This Stuart seems much more dim than the one who married a dying Cindy and then married a very sexually driven Marion. (Where is Marion anyway?)  Is it too cruel to wonder if Stuart and Lily will go trick-or-treating together dressed as The Scarecrow and Glinda-the-Good-Witch from the Wizard of OZ?  (Lily couldn’t go as Dorothy because of those darn red shoes.)

 

“You are a mean vindictive little brat.” Ahh, there is nothing like step-motherly love is there? No wonder Erica doesn’t like Greenlee, since there is only room for one mean vindictive little brat in town and Erica got there first.

 

Although Josh described Erica a bit differently, “She’s a selfish, spoiled diva.” Is Josh playing Erica or playing Greg?  And could we please see Josh doing something, anything, that gives us some true insight into him, so I don’t have to remind myself who he is each time he appears?

 

Doesn’t Amanda planning on drugging Jamie seem like perfect karmic payback for Jamie having drugged the nanny?

 

Wasn’t Jonathan supposed to be in rehab for at least a month after surgery?  If his brain is still re-booting, how did he figure out how to lock Erin in the closet, look up Greenlee’s number in a different country, and dial the phone? Or is he now playing brain damaged for his own nefarious purposes?

 

“Would you rather be the slut bleeding him dry?” “You are a tragic case of arrested development.” These were good lines, impeccably delivered by Brooke and David. Too bad they were not delivered in storylines centered around them.

 

Do the Fryes still live in Pine Valley? Yes, we saw Livia for 30 seconds, but what about Dani and nuDerek?

 

It wasn’t a great week in Pine Valley, but it was worth it just for the line,

 

“Greenlee? Surprise! It’s me Jonathan.”

 

The scene would have been even more satisfying if Greenlee had reached into the desk, pulled out a gun, shot Ryan in the head and then replied,

 

“Jonathan? Surprise! This time Ryan’s really dead.”

 

What surprises will this week’s spoilers hold? Let’s see:

 

 

Why not start with some Josh-ing around?

 

Babe tells Josh her fears about Amanda’s plans for Jamie. Josh attempts to get Babe to stop talking by sticking his tongue in her mouth.

 

Little does Josh know Babe is a multi-tasker. She has lots of experience doing other things while her mouth is full. Checking a guy’s driver’s license is just one example.

 

 

Once again Erica tells Josh to stay away from Babe.

 

“Why? Is she my sister, too?”

 

Josh refuses to do as Erica says.

 

“Just because you’re my moth- I mean my boss-doesn’t mean you can control my personal life.”

 

Josh advises Babe to concentrate on her own life. How Amanda and Jamie live their lives really shouldn’t concern her.

 

“But you don’t understand, Josh, I really do want to be the slut who is bleeding Jamie dry.”

 

 

Babe does not take Josh’s advice and sets out to save Jamie from Amanda.

 

Babe tells Jamie about Amanda’s plan to drug him so he will marry her. Jamie believes Babe and throws Amanda out.

 

But don’t they understand, Amanda is doing this all for love. Love of money, maybe, but it’s still love.

 

Amanda is determined to get revenge on Babe.

 

Ordinarily I would hate another revenge plot. However if Amanda turns out to be half as creative as her mother at getting revenge, it could be fun. Especially if what brings Janet to town is the desire to help her daughter succeed.

 

Jamie and Aidan talk about what a horrible person Amanda is.

 

Oh dear, this can only mean one thing: there is some spotted dick in Amanda’s future.

 

Does Di’s future include more prison time?

 

Palmer tells Derek to arrest Di for fraud.

 

I do hope Palmer is not wearing that dreadful brown suit while talking with Derek. It has been much too long since we have seen Palmer in his black leather jacket and jeans.

 

Tad does not help Di at all, but David comes through for her. David tells her to fight for what she wants.

 

And yet somehow, we know at the end of all this, Tad will eventually be Di’s hero and David merely gum on the bottom of her shoe. Maybe someone should clue Di into the fact that the only time Dixie was interesting was when she was with David.

 

It all comes down to whether or not JR wants to press charges against Di. That pressure only exacerbates JR’s drinking problem.

 

Only in Pine Valley would it come down to JR. In the real world, people would be lining up with valid charges of fraud against Di.  And more than one aiding and abetting charge against Del, too. And as loathe as I am to admit it, David aided and abetted also.

 

And just when JR thinks things cannot get worse, Kendall tells him she is in love with Zach while pregnant with the Lavery spawn.

 

At least JR can drink his way through this one, poor Kendall has to deal with all this while sober.

 

JR tells Kendall he is still her friend, despite how complicated her life is.

 

And the best thing about this? Neither of them will use the phrase “BFF.”

 

JR keeps drinking and gets in the car with Lil A and Babe. Bad idea since he hits someone with his car.

 

The fact that it’s not Ryan who gets hit just depresses the hell out of me.

 

Ryan may not be the victim of a hit and run, but his life is not all roses and clown noses, either.

 

Greenlee’s anger knows no bounds when she realizes it really is Jonathan calling from Canada.

 

Why, did he call collect?

 

Greenlee signs the divorce papers and demands that Ryan do the same.

 

Well, Ryan did say he would do whatever it took to make Greenlee happy.

 

Ryan is pretty bummed about the divorce.

 

The real reason he is unhappy is because Greens likes Kendall better than she likes him. Ryan can just not figure out how that happened.

 

Ryan and Julia host their own pity party at a bar.

 

Well, this should be less than fun. Although perhaps they will realize how much they have in common besides being FF material. At the very least perhaps Ryan will be able to get her a job as a bouncer at the fight club.

 

And why is Julia so down?

 

Zach rejects Julia’s clumsy attempts at seduction.

 

While watching that very painful scene it dawned on me that I had been wrong about one of Julia’s WPP jobs. When she said she had been a store greeter, I thought she meant at Walmart. The way she approached Zach, I realized it was far more likely she had been the greeter at an S&M store probably called something like The Marquis de Suede.

 

Julia gets really snarky about Kendall and Zach throws her out.

 

Not that Zach is in love or anything. It’s just that Julia was rude by insulting the person who holds the casino gaming license.

 

Julia is not the only reason Zach has a busy week.

 

Zach tells Greenlee that she should tell Ryan about the baby. Why? Because he regrets not knowing about Ethan. Zach’s thinks maybe he would have been a better father had he known about Ethan sooner.

 

Although it is not easy being a front-burnered father with a back-burnered son.

 

The point of the above conversation is so that Ethan could overhear it. Ethan then tells Greenlee that a child needs a father.

 

“But Ethan, you don’t understand, if Ryan knows he is the baby’s father he will force the poor child to wear a clown nose!!” “Oh Greenlee, I am so sorry, I didn’t realize you had valid reasons. A clown nose? Bloody hell, that’s even worse than the Cambias curse!”

 

We bid fond farewell to Nova Scotia as Erin and Jonathan arrive in Pine Valley.

 

Erin loses track of Jonathan and Ryan tries to find him.

 

I think the rule should be “brain tumor out, GPS device in” don’t you agree?

 

Greenlee sees Jonathan and heads in the other direction.

 

Towards Nova Scotia?

 

Let’s end the column with my favorite couple, the Slaters

 

It’s hard to tell who is more upset: Kendall because she saw Zach kissing Julia or Zach because he saw Kendall kissing JR?

 

My answer?  I am more upset than either of them because I did not get to see Zach and Kendall  kissing each other.

 

Kendall tells Zach she wants a divorce.

 

Oh my goodness, it is true love after all!

 

Oh, those AMC actors:

 

Rebecca Budig has now officially announced (http://www.rebeccabudig.org/newsletter.htm) that she has left AMC.

 

Will Greenlee leave town alive? Or dead? Or in a coma? It all depends on whose child Kendall is really carrying. Is Ryan really the father? More importantly, is Greenlee really the mother?

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley.

 

Kate

Sun, Oct. 23rd, 2005, 10:53 am

For the week of Oct 23

I am exhausted. I did not get home until 1 a.m. this morning. What had already been a fairly difficult Town Council meeting here in Pine Valley turned into a debacle just before we were to adjourn.  We had spent hours working on official guidelines for holiday decorating since, out of consideration for Lily Montgomery, red is no longer an option. (Special thanks to Mrs. Chance who has undertaken the task of making a new any color but red suit for Santa to wear in the holiday parade.)

 

Suddenly Erica Kane announced she had something that she needed the council to consider right away. Needless to say when Erica tosses her hair and rubs her thighs, few can resist.

 

What did Erica want? She wanted the receptionist at the Chamber of Commerce to begin answering the phone with, “Hello and welcome to Pine Valley, the home of New Beginnings! (Did you know that Erica has a new show?)

 

Then Krystal Carey Chandler, trying to exercise her power as the current Mrs. Chandler, wanted her new business advertised as well. Fortunately, “Hello and welcome to Pine Valley, where hummers are always half-price on Thursdays “ did not even get enough support for a vote.

 

Gotta love Myrtle Fargate for suggesting, “Hello and welcome to Pine Valley, you liar, liar pants on fire” since anyone who shows up in Pine Valley these days turns out to be lying about something.

 

Head Councilman Alfred Vanderpoole finally wrestled control of the meeting away from the floor and announced that all discussion of a new Chamber of Commerce greeting would be tabled until the January meeting. For now, the receptionist will continue to answer the phone, “Welcome to Pine Valley, clown nose capital of the world.”

 

I really could not help myself but I kept thinking how great it would have been if everyone at Ryan’s memorial service had decided to honor him by wearing a clown nose.

 

I promise to try and get control of my almost overwhelming desire to do a column comprised of nothing but bad clown nose jokes.

 

Taking a deep breath…..

 

This week on AMC was positively soapy and it was about time.

 

Nothing like a heartfelt confession that breaks hearts to get the tears flowing.  Di’s whole body seemed to shake as she told the truth, but then it was an earthquake she was unleashing on Dixie’s family. I may not have cared for Dixie, but clearly they all loved her.

 

JR just broke my heart. Jacob Young has certainly made JR his own. I was very critical of him when he first began so must now give him credit for expanding his acting range considerably over the past year.  He is not perfect every day but at least he tries, which is more than can be said for a few others on the AMC canvas.

 

I tried looking around the Chandler living room with JR’s eyes and only saw people who had betrayed him in one way or another. Even my dear Palmer too often sees him as Adam’s son first and his grandnephew second. How incredibly lonely JR must have felt.

 

And how incredibly right Adam felt. I don’t blame him. He tried to prevent the pain that is ripping JR to shreds right now. Adam is entitled to his happy dance, although doing it in front of JR is not exactly sensitive, is it?

 

Why do I think Babe’s outward prayer “God help them all” was followed by an inward “and God please help me figure out how to work this to my advantage”? Because she is Babe, that’s why.

 

And Krystal is Krystal, unfortunately. When she said JR had a “terrible excuse for a heart”, I was saying very loudly, “at least he never let anyone think their child was dead.”  Maybe if Krystal stopped lecturing everyone, especially Adam, about their bad behavior I could feel kinder towards her. Naw, probably not.

 

I don’t feel kindly towards Del, either. Actually I do not feel anything towards him. Although it was sort of amusing watching him trying to cover his rear by acting shocked about Di. Now that his meal ticket has been cancelled he can head back to Crow Hollow.

 

Opal may miss club hopping with Del, but not for long.  She will be too busy fulfilling her duties as PV’s new official Slapper. That was some wallop she Di-livered wasn’t it? The real Isabella Santos would be proud.

 

I am surprised there wasn’t more slapping in PV last week, given all the truths that were revealed.

 

It was great to watch Greenlee finally see who Ryan really is—a self-centered ass who was not fit to lick Leo’s shoes let alone marry his widow. If only she had kept, as a memento of Leo, the axe they used to demolish Ryan’s apartment. Why? Then she could have used it to finish what Ryan’s vasectomy only started.

 

How noble of Ryan to return from the dead so Greens could have some peace. It would have been just a little more noble of course, if he had told her the whole truth before getting a little piece himself.

 

And it would have been courteous of Ryan to let Zach know he was planning on coming back. Again I ask, aren’t there etiquette rules for returning from the dead?  I would think in PV they would be part of the package handed out by the Welcome Wagon.

 

Zach, oh, Zach. He is in trouble now. Not because Kendall is angry with him. Not because eventually everyone in PV will blame him, and not Ryan, for Ryan’s faux death. Not because he likely broke the clinic’s generator, leading to a pregnancy surrogacy twist for his wife.  Nope, he is in trouble because he is clearly smitten with Kendall. And just what is he going to do about that? 

 

 Non-sequiturs now coming your way

 

One good thing about Di admitting to being merely Di, she can stop bleaching her hair. With darker hair she can stop looking like a fragile Di O’the Wisp.

 

“I do not want my daughter alone with Ryan.”  When Jack is right, he is right. Of course I don’t want anyone alone with Ryan, unless it’s Janet with a crowbar.

 

Here is one of the many things I do not understand. Jonathan’s behavior was caused by a brain tumor so we are to believe that Ryan is not genetically programmed to be violent, therefore he won’t ever be violent again? What then accounts for Braden, the rapist Lavery brother?  Oh I know, Braden must have had an undiagnosed brain tumor.  That explains it all. (Remember when soaps used to have medical advisors? Those were the days, eh?)

 

I love David. David rocks in every scene he is in.  I want David. I want David in a good story now. Don’t mess with me, you never know, I might have an undiagnosed brain tumor myself.

 

“Are you afraid of the Dragon’s crew?”  I had to replay this line a few times because I could have sworn Jamie said, “Are you afraid of the Dragon’s screw?”  And I thought it was really inappropriate for Jamie to be asking his stepmother about her sex life.

 

“Ryan hated hypocrites.” At last we were given a real clue to as why deep down, Ryan hates himself.

 

“Don’t beg. You are much hotter when you demand.” This JR line to Kendall gave us a clue about what makes him hot deep down, a woman in control. Which explains his obvious confused feelings towards the woman he used to call “Mom.”

 

JR’s feelings were all out of control as he roamed the streets looking for a way to avenge Kendall’s hurt feelings and his. How did I feel about him expressing these feeling by beating Ryan to a pulp? I felt at long last Ryan was in the right place at the right time.

 

What feelings, in control or out, will this week’s spoiler cause? Let’s see:

 

Turns out Di was right, living Dixie’s life was better than living hers:

 

Adam thinks Di should be arrested for fraud and tries to convince JR to give Derek a call.

 

It seems to me that Adam might have better luck convincing Alfred Vanderpoole to have Di arrested. After all, Di committed fraud when she re-opened Dixie’s accounts.

 

Zach tells Di that he is sympathetic about her plight.

 

Would that be the plight of  having everyone in PV hate her or the plight of wondering what happens now that she is no longer quite on the front burner?

 

Julia tries to convince Di to stick around Pine Valley and try to get back the life she lost.

 

Would Julia be saying that if Di had betrayed her family the way she betrayed Dixie’s loved ones? As I recall the Santos clan is not the most forgiving family in town.  If she had betrayed them, there would have been more than one slap coming Di’s way.

 

JR and Jamie tell Di they will never forgive her.

 

But isn’t this what Di wanted? To have the boys together again, on the same page, walking the same line, compadres forever?  

 

Di decides to drop in on Tad.

Thus proving that not only is Di a liar and a con, she is a bit of a masochist also.

 

Di is not the only one affected by her revelation:

 

Babe and JR share a few drinks. Soon they are sharing a kiss.

 

I should hate this but I don’t. Mainly because I want Babe caught in her own trap. I want her to fall back in love with JR and have him not return her feelings. Or at least tell her that Kendall is a much better lover.

 

Babe refuses to have sex with JR.

 

Well, that’s a first, Babe turning down sex. Does she have an undiagnosed brain tumor or something?

 

Babe tells Krystal that she is afraid that JR will become even more evil, now that Di is not Dixie.

 

Babe really needs to learn that when a person is lied to and betrayed over and over again by those closest to him, sometimes that person gets a little grumpy.

 

It’s a hypocrite face-off as Babe and Tad argue about his forcing Di to tell the truth.

 

This is one fight where age pays off. Tad has had decades more experience than Babe in justifying his hypocritical actions. Compared to Tad, she really is just a Babe in the smug woods.

 

Babe does not fare any better with Brooke, who lets Babe know just how little use she has for her.

 

As little use as AMC seems to have for Brooke? (Which puts Brooke in good company, since they seem to have little use for David or Opal or Palmer or Livia or Derek or Simone, either.)

 

Brooke lends her support to Tad.

 

“Well, with all the people that come back from the dead in this town, including yourself, of course you believed she was Dixie.”

 

With Ryan back in town, no more butter tarts to make our dose of Laverys go down easier:

 

Ryan is saved when Julia stops JR from beating him.

 

If TPTB want me to like Julia they are going to have to stop her from doing stupid stuff like this.

 

Ryan tries to convince Kendall he is a changed man.

 

“I no longer think everything is your fault, just some things. The rest are your husband’s fault. Oh, and I no longer wear my clown nose when the invitation says black tie.”

 

Ryan has a talk with Livia about Jonathan’s options.

 

“I think really your best bet is for your entire family to move somewhere far away. A place where no one knows your name. And I swear I am not saying this just because Kate promised to stop making cracks about how I dress if I told you to leave town.”

 

Kendall tells Ryan to fight for Greenlee and tells Greenlee to forgive Ryan.

 

I do not care if it’s the hormones that are talking. Somebody gag Kendall until she starts making sense.

 

Ryan is getting Greenlee to soften up, when the phone rings and it’s Jonathan. He tells Greens how happy he is that soon they will all be one big happy totally fast forward-able family.

 

Even if Greenlee could overlook Ryan’s heinous behavior there is the question of her in-laws. Brain tumor or not, Jonathan falls far outside anyone’s definition of “kooky brother-in-law.” 

 

Jack’s anger about Ryan causes problems with Erica.

 

It should be the opposite shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t the fact that Erica is so blasé about Ryan behaving violently towards Greenlee be what is causing the marital discord?

 

Greenlee goes to see Ryan at the hospital.

 

Maybe if we clap our hands really hard, it will turn out Greenlee is going to see Ryan’s body at the morgue. (A girl can dream, can’t she?)

 

Now it’s time to check in with the Madden-ing crowd:

 

Kendall answers Green’s cliffhanger question: yes, she still wants to go through with the pregnancy.

 

After all, AMC is going to need something to get it through November and most likely February sweeps.

 

Greenlee makes Kendall pinky swear that she will never tell Ryan about the surrogacy.

 

Is the plan then to have everyone think Zach and Kendall gave Greenlee their baby to raise?  I think it makes much more sense to kill Ryan . That way they can be certain he never finds out. Plus, it would make me happy.

 

Once again Erica tells Kendall that the surrogacy is a mistake. She truly believes that in the end, Kendall will have a broken heart.

 

What does Erica expect Kendall to do, terminate the pregnancy? It is unlikely Kendall would do that, because of her own feelings of having been unwanted.  So then what does Erica expect to achieve by constantly haranguing Kendall about the situation?

 

Josh tells his father what he really thinks about his mother, or as we call her, Erica.

 

“Well, she is a generous boss, but demanding. I have never known a woman before who always dresses like she is going to cocktail party. I realize she is a narcissist but I feel strangely drawn to her. As you know I have always dated women younger than myself, and always have sex with girls much much younger, but Erica is so damn sexy. And she and her husband don’t have much screentime together so I am thinking…”

 

“Joshua, stop right there. You cannot, you must not, date your moth—I mean, Mrs. Montgomery!””

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

 

Kate

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